Aziz vs. Himself Times 900

Oh man ladies and gentleman. I got another email, and this one isn't all about pansy scrapbooking parties, i.e. fuck you Paul from Texas. Well I'm sorry I haven't updated in a few days but you need to realize that for me there is more to the Internet than blog. There is email and naked and music for me too. Anyway, take a look at this one and see where messing with Aziz gets you. Answer: To a place where the ruptured spleen population has just increased by one(1), you fuck! Here is the email:

Little Ansari is a good buddy of mine...I guess you could say I'm his Mr. Miagi of sorts, I basically told him to take the blue pill and taught him how to use the crane technique etc... Anyhow one battle he has yet to face is the attack of the Aziz clones. Not just one clone but several hundred clones. How does he defeat several hundred of himself?

matt

Matt, I am glad you asked this question. I knew it was bound to come up sooner or later, because it's like the game Street Fighter II, where eventually you have to fight yourself, and it's like, "Hey. There is nobody who can beat me except myself and oh no, now I'm up against this very situation." Yes. Except it's like several hundred of that.

So what would have happened is, there's this mad scientist who wants to dead kill Aziz because maybe the mad scientist's girlfriend was saved by Aziz after a landslide and is now totally horny for Aziz but not the mad scientist. So the mad scientist has one thing on his mind: "Kill Aziz with Aziz clones." Why does he think this? Well he is not stupid. He's mad. Also he is a scientist. He knows robots won't work because he probably saw the movie about Aziz and the time traveling robot. Come on, his only other scientist choices are the Frankenstein monster or clones. So give him a break. Frankenstein isn't real. Cloning is.

First, the scientist would buy Aziz's hair at an auction for like $5,000. And you can buy a nice used car for that much. The mad scientist would take the hair home to his laboratory, put it in his clone microwave, and set the microwave to make 900 clones. Yes. That is a lot of clones.

Can you even imagine the audience when 900 fucking Aziz clones step out of the clone microwave? If you can, I'm sure you imagined them shitting their fucking pants because come on 900 clones? How do you stop that? I will tell you how. Here's the first thing: You have to be Aziz Ansari. Here's the second thing: There is no fucking second thing. Because after the 900 clones step out of the microwave, the camera pans up and guess who's hiding up on the ceiling like a spy? Aziz. That is who. Yes. He's been watching the whole thing because you know what? Letting a strand of his hair go to auction was a trap. You see, Aziz has some fucking self-respect and he wouldn't pull that kind of shit if there wasn't a plan involved. Aziz knew that the mad scientist was pissed because it said so in all the pornographic love letters Aziz kept getting from the mad scientist's girlfriend. Her name was Brianna.

Now, the mad scientist would NOT know that Aziz is hiding on the ceiling, and he would huddle all of the Aziz clones together to sculpt their new and impressionable minds. He'd say to them, "Look guys. I made you. You're gonna have to do what I say. And you know what I say? I say kill Aziz. Here's what he looks like: He looks exactly like you do, except he's wearing a badass cowboy hat that fashion wise, he totally pulls off. So that's what he looks like. Go on now and kill him."

And you know what? The mad scientist would be right because Aziz would be wearing a cowboy hat at that exact moment. So now the audience would be thinking "Oh, this is great. Aziz is going to put his cowboy hat on the heads of the clones so that they end up killing each other or something. What a fucking genius move on Aziz's part." Yes. Well, why doesn't Aziz just fucking watch Gilmore Girls while he is at it? I will tell you. Because Aziz doesn't do things in a pussified Oprah manner how many times am I going to have to tell you?! That is right. Nobody would be killing the 900(!) clones except the original Aziz. So count them up. 1, 2, etc. to 900: Dead.

So there's Aziz on the ceiling, right? And the 900 clones would be right below him. Aziz would be all "Hey. Clones. You really blow me away." They'd look up and just then Aziz would drop his belt that would be full of grenades. The camera would give a slow, steady shot to each of Aziz's fingers, and the audience would gasp when we see a grenade pin on each one. About 800 of the clones would be blown up, and unfortunately Aziz would get blown up clone all over him. But as soon as the grenades went off, Aziz would drop from the ceiling, fucking cowboy hat still on, and start snapping all of the clone's necks. And they'd be all like, "I can not hear. A large noise has just gone off that has affected my hearing and I don't understand what it could be because I was created in a clone microwave just moments ago." Does it sound like you should pity these clones? Oh come on, these clones have one thing on their minds, i.e., "Kill the cowboy hat Aziz." It would be self defense just like with the bats see post entitled epilogue to previous post.

No. Aziz would not pity the murder clones. He would use their moment of confusion to quickly and humanely snap their necks like he was a commando or something. Can you believe that? Aziz would have blown up 800 clones and snapped the necks of 100 clones! Well believe it. Oh, what is that? That is not what you are thinking? You are thinking what about the mad scientist? That is right! He is still alive! But he is cowering in fear in the corner, crying like I bet Paul from Texas would be crying. Paul, you are a fuck.

Without a word, Aziz would go up to the mad scientist and pluck a mad scientist hair. Then Aziz would put the hair in the clone microwave and set it to make two more copies. Soon, two more mad scientists would walk out. And here's the topper that just proves what awesome is. Do you think Aziz kills them? No. He does not. He just says, "If one of you can't fucking kill me, try your luck with three." And then maybe he flings his cowboy hat away and silently walks out of the laboratory without looking back. Do not mess with this man!

Paul From Texas Email

It turns out people really want to know about Aziz. I can't say I am surprised. Here's the second email:

Hey Prince, I checked out your Aziz is a Fucking Badass Blog, and it's pretty cool. However, I notice that all of the entries so far have been about Aziz being a fucking badass in situations that are already fucking badass. That's cool and all, but what if Aziz were placed in a non-fucking badass situation?

Thanks,
Paul From Texas

Yeah Paul, the discussion so far has been about Aziz kicking ass in kickass places. I am telling you now that it sounds to me like you're asking for Kindergarten Cop when I'm serving up Conan the Barbarian. Do you know why Aziz is in fucking badass situations and not stuck in Boo-Hoo Crying Chickville? Here's a hint for you that is also the answer: Because he's fucking badass and he doesn't have time for any of your pussy Jane Eyre Pride and Prejudice bullshit. No. That is for girls. Still, I don't want to offend any readers and I promised to answer your questions. I'll induldge you. Thanks for writing.

So, Paul from Texas, I guess your question is really, "What if Aziz was at a scrapbooking party?" First off, let me tell you this: Aziz would only be there because afterwards all the girls at the scrapbook party were maybe going to have like a big orgy with sex or something and there were no other dudes. There is no other reason to go to a scrapbook party. Because, come on. I said I'd put him in a non-fucking badass scenario, but that doesn't mean Aziz is a big pansy teener-weiner. No. He is the opposite of that. Scrapbooking is for the preservation of memories, i.e., memories that Aziz maybe doesn't want to preserve because of all people that unfortunately he couldn't protect. Still, these dead people were all sacrifices in the course of Aziz saving our great nation and freedom.

So if Aziz was at a scrapbook party and all of the girls were cutting construction paper and gluing glitter and talking in high voices about how everything is so precious, Aziz would be in the corner, his face hidden in the shadows, and he'd be drinking straight, warm, whiskey. He'd be bleeding from his right arm thanks to a mysterious gunshot wound he got on the way over, but he'd play it off like it wasn't a big thing at all. The scrapbooking hot girls would be all "Why am I using pictures to remember the past when what I really want to remember is this moment right now? I want to scrapbook the person in the corner who is bleeding but is still really tough about it. Plus OMG he's drinking straight whiskey. I want to scrapbook him. I do not want to wait until after the scrapbooking to have a sex orgy with him."

All of the model girls, who by the way could be in Playboy if they wanted to, would try and finish scrapbooking real fast so they could finally start all the fucking. Just as they were about to finish, though, this red telephone would ring. Aziz would look at it and know what it meant. He'd pick it up and go "Yes? Yes. That is indeed tragic news. Mmm-hmmm. Yes, of course. Right away, Mr. President of the United States of America." And the women would be staring at him with these ga-ga eyes, but guess what, ladies? Freedom comes first. That's what. He had to go do whatever exciting but extremely dangerous mission the President wanted him to do. And it's like, if the President was calling him, it had to be serious. The girls would know this, but knowing how important Aziz was only made them more horny, so they'd make him promise to come back after his mission for like, the best sex he'd ever have in his life. Aziz would just nod and say, "Girls, when I'm about to start a mission, I consider myself already dead. That's how dangerous my missions are. For me, surving is like a pleasant surprise, like a winning scratch ticket or something. Because seriously how many people do you know who can survive all of the gunfire and explosions and knife fights and assassins that come with the territory of my secret job that involves the President? So I'll come back if I can, but it might be in a body bag. Plus, I don't know if you noticed, but I'm gonna have to complete this mission with this fucking gunshot wound I got. Anyway, please enjoy your scrapbooking ladies. I've have to go."

And then he'd leave all of these women who are major sexed-up and right outside would be two deadly assassins wearing white Italian suits. He'd chuck two ninja stars at them at the same time and kill them both in the head before they even got a shot off. He knew they were there the whole fucking time.

The First Email

So here's the first email I received regarding Aziz. It is from a Mr. "Curious in SC:"

What if a robot Governor came from the future to kill Aziz with some kind of plasma rail gun?

Well good question, Curious. Lets say that a robot Governor did come from the future to kill Aziz. If it's coming from the future, we already know the robot is relentless. This is trouble number one. One of the other troubles is this: Because robots are expensive and probably going back in time is also expensive, the first question we have is ourselves is, "Who the fuck wants Aziz dead so bad and plus has access to robot time-traveling money?" The answer should be obvious. Yes, it is the rich tycoon who funded Aziz's cave expedition and is mad cause the fucking cave expert he sent to spy on Aziz got a shoe spike into the eye just before he fell into the Earth's very core. The spy was the rich tycoon's son! This fact was not covered in the movie about Aziz in the cave because I wanted to surprise you when I had to write about Aziz and robots.

But Aziz would not have time to worry about who sent the future robot because at that very minute, the robot would shoot at him with a plasma rail gun. Aziz would be okay, but the hot girl he met like two hours ago and was currently fucking would be shot in the heart and she'd die.

Aziz would roll off the bed and take cover behind a wall. Then, while the robot shot through the wall, he'd calmly put on a bathrobe and cowboy hat and light up another hand-rolled cigarette. Smoking is bad for you, but fyi? so is getting shot at by a future robot who is relentless, so please keep your goddamn lectures to yourself.

Now one way to stop a robot that everyone knows is to make its head explode by asking it something that doesn't compute. Well, this is the pussy nerd way to kill a robot, and that is not how Aziz Ansari fights his fucking battles.

Aziz would run his fingers along the rim of his cowboy hat before taking one last drag on cigarette and flicking it away. At this point the audience would be like, "Holy crap. He doesn't even care about the robot! He doesn't even care about a plasma rail gun!" But they'd be wrong because guess what Aziz has in his hand? C4 explosives. He'd do a barrel roll out into where the robot was and he'd put it in the robot's vision sensors. Then he'd say, "Hey robot. Just like you failed to see the enormity of your moral ineptitude when you killed the innocent girl I was having sex with, now you will fail to see your target! Namely, me!!" Then he'd pull wires out from a lamp or something and stick them into the C4. The robot would wander around blind, shooting its plasma rail gun into the ceiling. Now, to kill the robot, all Aziz would have to do is blow it up by flipping the switch to turn on the lamp.

The robot, even though it couldn't see, would still be able to sense this. It would say, "AZIZ, DO NOT BLAME ME. I AM ONLY DOING WHAT I WAS PROGRAMMED TO DO." And Aziz would say, "Then you were programmed to die, little buddy," and he'd flip the switch and the robot's head would be blown up and maybe like land in Aziz's hand. Without even looking he'd hook shot the robot head straight into the wastepaper basket.

Emails

If any readers of this blog have questions as to how Aziz Ansari would react and respond to a difficult situation, please email me with the situation you are thinking of (i.e. What if Aziz was trapped in space all by himself and like the spaceship he had been on took off without him and then maybe there's an asteroid meteor shower headed straight at him). I will be happy to answer your questions on this blog by giving you a quick description of what I imagine Aziz would do. My email address is p_myshkin@hotmail.com. Or, if you prefer, you may also pose your queries in the comment section.

Epilogue to Previous Post

Do you think giant vampire bats are just going to let Aziz and the chesty girl walk out of the cave without trying to eat them?! No. They are not. They would try to eat them. But guess what would be happening five minutes after the vampire bats attacked them? Did you guess this?: The vampire bats would be dead because of Aziz and then Aziz would then be taking a break from leaving the cave just so he could skin the bats and make a bat-fur coat for his new gal. Does that seem mean to the bats? Well it was self defense. If the bats had been as smart as people or dolphins, they would have known that Aziz isn't somebody you want to try drinking the fucking blood of.

But here is the sad and unfortunate part of what would have happened if Aziz went into a cave that was filled with vampire bats and went like to the center of the Earth: The ample-bosomed girl psychologist who doesn't even care about the lyrics in Kanye West's Diamonds From Seirra Leone remix featuring Jay-Z would get greedy and want all of the diamonds for herself because she is a Gold Digger featuring Jamie Foxx. She would want them so bad because maybe her history is that two years ago she had fiance who couldn't afford to buy her a diamond ring but then just when he was about to buy her a ring he was murdered. Women.

So what would happen is, just when they're about to get out of the cave, the breast girl would take this Kabar knife and threaten to cut the rope that Aziz is climbing. What, is she is stupid as a bat or something? Aziz would say, "Go ahead and cut the fucking rope, Ms. Tits. Cause I never loved you." She'd cry and cut the rope, but Aziz would already be clinging to the cave walls and be climbing up the steep cave hole by hand(!). But Aziz had hurt her pride, and the curvy psychologist would be looking for rocks to dump onto Aziz to get him to die. Finally, she'd pick up a big rock to chuck at him, but then when she lifted it over her head she'd teeter over and fall into the deep, deep cave. But oh no, because as she fell, her Kabar would probably fall straight towards Aziz like a sharp dagger. He'd catch it in his fucking mouth. And then, later, he'd have that same kabar in an Anaconda's skull. And later at Rambo's neck. Aziz would carry the Kabar as a reminder never to trust anyone. Because people will fuck you over, man, and it's a lesson that life won't let you learn twice.

Further Discussion

So now I'll discuss what would happen if Aziz Ansari decided to go into this huge cave that was filled with bats and was so big that it led down to the center of the earth (hot).

If Aziz went to the cave mentioned above, he'd go with a crew of 6-7 others. These people would be experts on things like bats, caves, the center of the earth, psychology, and climbing probably. But they wouldn't be there because Aziz needed them to come. He could go into the fucking cave by himself, for all he cares. No, they'd be with him because the rich tycoon who'd be funding the cave exploration would insist that if Aziz went, he went with experts. Of course, these people would only slow Aziz down and plus one of them would be a spy for the tycoon, but Aziz would know this and you know he's used to others slowing him down anyway.

In the cave that's full of bats and toxic fumes (forgot to mention that above), everybody would be using ropes to go farther and deeper into the caves. It would be so dark. But Aziz would have thought ahead, and even though the cave expert "forgot" to bring those helmets with the flashlights on them (because he is the tycoon's spy, that is why), Aziz would have remembered and brought enough for everybody to wear. Everybody would wear different color hats so the audience could distinguish who is who.

One by one, the team members would die in the cave for a combination of reasons. Here's one reason: The spy was trying to kill everybody so they wouldn't get to share the profits from the diamonds that are hidden in the center of the Earth. Here's the other reason: They would ignore Aziz's advice. Aziz would say, "Stick by me if you want to live and don't go off alone by yourselves because the bats here are way bigger than normal bats and they can pick you up and suck out all of your blood in like one big gulp. Also, there are pits here that you could fall into." Except the psychology expert would be a girl with big bosoms and Aziz would save her very life. She'd start to fall in love with him, and the audience would be all like "is there something going on here? I think she likes him." The only other person to survive would be the cave expert spy.

Finally, it would start to get super hot in the cave and the diamond detector would be go off the charts. They'd be at the center of the Earth!! They tycoon's spy would get the large breasted psychology expert and threaten to push her into the Earth's core if Aziz didn't let him have all of the diamonds. Aziz would say, "Okay, just don't hurt her," but just when the Spy guy thought he was safe, Aziz would give his infamous war cry and throw his shoe at the man. Cave shoes have spikes on the bottom of them and one of the spikes would hit the spy in the eye and he'd cry out and fall into the Earth's core. Then the psychology expert would say "Aziz, I've always loved you," and he'd say "We are going to make love then." But first they would take the diamonds and climb out of the cave. Aziz would say, "Great. I've got to do this with only one shoe." They'd both laugh, and then the credits would come.

NOTE:

This blog is unrelated to Aziz's comedy. This blog is related to the fact that Aziz probably owns a very sharp sword with like a dragon on the hilt or something.

There's more, too

My brother brought up an interesting point yesterday. Here's what it was: What if Aziz was a Roman Gladiator and he was forced to fight battles every day to entertain rich Romans like in that movie Gladiator? Good point, Steve. I thought about this for a long time, and here's what I realized: Aziz Ansari would indeed kick the living shit out of any Peabody Joe Shmoe Gladiator he came up against. Already we have proven that Aziz would straight up murder an Anaconda snake and then use it's blood for camouflage. Is being fighting a gladiator really that much different? The Anaconda has pointed fangs,squeeziness, and venom as it's weapons, and get this: in a Roman Coliseum the pointed fangs would be the opposing gladiators sword, the Anaconda's death squeeze would translate into a super tight back-breaking bear hug of a tricky warrior, and the venom is like maybe the other guys have venom on their swords. My point is this: Hey, obviously Aziz would be able to defeat the battle part of Gladiating. But what about the politics? In the movie a la Russel Crowe, politics played a big part. What if an emperor told Aziz to kill an opponent and Aziz didn't want to? Take into account how fucking baddass Aziz is when you think about this, and here's what you'll come up with. If Aziz was told to kill someone by an emperor and he didn't want to kill that person, first, he'd flip off the emperor. "Yeah, that's right, emp-o-nater. I'm talkin' to you! Fuck you!" Then, the emperor would see the anger in Aziz's eyes, and he'd like run. Aziz would pick up his boomerang, throw it at the emperor, and knock him down. Then, just to show how he doesn't bow down to no one cause of how bad he is etc, he'd likely take a dump on the emperor's chest. The crowd would be grossed out at first, but then they'd see what it symbolized, and they'd start cheering and stop all of their heathenry.

Think about this too

Going back to all about how Aziz would have killed an Anaconda, I was thinking about how he'd go about it. Because you know it would be in a way that would make the audience (you) gasp. We'd see it and our eyes would open so wide and our jaws would drop and we'd think, "I can't believe he's doing it this way, but now that I think about it, this makes perfect sense. Yes, this is how Aziz Ansari would kill a shit ass huge anaconda. This is no other way for him." If you ask me, knowing what I know about Aziz, it'd probably be something like taking a kid from the jungle village and using him as fucking bait to kill the anaconda so like just when the anaconda thinks it's about to swallow a defenseless boy, and we see a twinkle of evil in the snakes tongue (that's how they see), Aziz jumps on the anaconda from above with this red war paint on him and with his teeth bared and his arms outstretched. Plus he'd be war crying. Right as he pounced, he'd impale the anaconda in the head with his Kabar knife and maybe its tail would thrash around before he finally died. The bait boy would be all crying and scared, but Aziz would calmly go up to the snake and say "Hey, don't worry about it, kid. I've never seen nobody so brave as you," except he'd say it in a jungle language so the kid could understand him cause that's what the kid speaks. And maybe the audience didn't even know that Aziz knew the fucking jungle language before he even said that. Then, of course, the boy would go home and Aziz would camoflauge himself in Anaconda blood to hide from Rambo First Blood like in my last post.

Aziz Ansari Is A Fucking Badass IV

It's a good thing John Rambo didn't have to go up against Aziz Ansari. Picture...THIS: Rambo, greased up and angry, has this total bazooka. He's in the jungle. He's got one mission: kill Aziz Ansari with a bazooka. As Rambo makes his way ever deeper into the jungle, the forest gets thicker and thicker. "He could be anywhere," thinks Rambo First Blood. But Aziz isn't anywhere. He's right the fuck behind Rambo with like a kabar or something right at Rambo's neck. And then Rambo would be all like, "Good work, Aziz. You got me. I only ask that you make it quick." But Aziz would go, "I'm not going to kill you, Mr. Rambo. You represent movies in Reagan-era America, and that's something that I'm just ready to lose." And saying that would totally break down the fourth wall, and in such a fucking badass way. Also, Aziz would have covered himself in Anaconda blood to disguise himself. Anaconda blood that he got himself by killing one!!

Aziz Ansari Is A Fucking Badass III

My same friend from New York who saw Aziz Ansari said that he's like some kind of champion rap-battler. She says he started with amateur Slam-Poetry, but then he quickly progressed to rap-battling, because he wanted to be fierce and in your face, confronting things head on and living and surviving by his wits and God, that's just badass.

Aziz Ansari Is A Fucking Badass II

Oh and later, when I was talking to my friend about Aziz, and she told me that she saw him in New York once. He was smoking a hand-rolled cigarette, wearing cowboy boots, and wearing an unbuttoned shirt with a gold necklace. I guess it was straight out of fucking Urban Cowboy, it was so badass

Aziz Ansari Is A Fucking Badass I

I saw Aziz Ansari at Bumbershoot, right, and he was knocking back tequilas. Afterwards, I think I saw him get on a Harley like he didn't even care.