Aziz's Late Night Television Interview

Hey. Well I don't have any new emails to answer so I am going to answer my own question. I was thinking this question: Hey. Do you know how like when Jean-Claude Van Damme is done kicking ass in a movie he goes on talk shows? Well guess what he does. Films do not promote themselves. Yes. Advertising. Well it is not selling out. Come on there is a lot of money involved.

If you can not tell, my question is the following question per se: What would the interview be like if Aziz was on Jimmy Kimmel Live? The only way for someone to properly answer this question is to go into a rum-soaked sleep, dream the answer, and then wake up and write about it at 3:30 in the morning. Oh. Yes. That is what the fuck I did. Here is how it would go:

Jimmy Kimmel Television Star: Holy fuck there are like girls taking their bras off. Do you know why? Well because of our next guest that is on my program without Adam Carolla. That is affirmative everybody it is Aziz Ansari!

The Entire Jimmy Kimmel Live Audience: Cheer!

(Aziz comes out right, and he's dressed in like torn jeans and a faded jean jacket. On the jacket there's one button pinned on and it just says, "I have saved your fucking life." During the following interview, ABC suit guys would like, "should we blur out the word fucking?" but then they'd realize, "hey, what kind of gratitude would that be? Because you know what? Aziz has saved our fucking lives and we should let him wear whatever cool buttons he wants to wear." Also, when Aziz would come on stage a bunch of chicks from the audience would scream really loud and then maybe faint like the girls you see on TV at Van Halen concerts)

Jimmy Kimmel Television Star: Aziz. Holy fucking shit. I can not believe you're here. I just can't believe this. Welcome. Audience, I saw Aziz backstage when I passed by his dressing room, and get this: his hands were cut up and bleeding. Fuck. That is right. Listen. Listen to me. I am just a television star. I do not know about bare knuckle boxing for our country or the art of medicine. But Aziz, it looks to me like you got hurt. Are you okay?

Aziz Ansari: I'm fine. Fuckin drop it.

Jimmy Kimmel Television Star: Okay, okay. Sure. It's just that, you know, a lot of communists and cloned mad scientists have publically said they wanted to kill you with like a dangerous were-vampire or something. Is this what happened?

Aziz Ansari: Yes it is what fucking happened. (And then Aziz would take out a bottle of Jack Daniels and take a righteous swig. Then, he'd take some of the J.D. and pour it on these bite marks we see on his neck. Yes. His fucking neck.) This were-vampire bite hurts a little, I must admit.

(And then the Jimmy Kimmel Live Audience would sigh because you know what? The fact that Aziz admits he is hurt makes him human. It brings him closer to everyone. It is like when you know Superman? Well he has a weakness too. Kryptonite. Maybe you have heard of it? Yes. Kryptonite can kill Superman. He is human just like everybody else, and that makes people relate to him. Superman, however, is an alien from the planet Krypton.)

Jimmy Kimmel Television Star: But you killed it right? You killed the were-vampire?

Aziz Ansari: (Without a word, Aziz would reach behind his chair and pull out the severed head of a were-vampire. Real cavalier like, he'd flip it right on Jimmy Kimmel's desk.) Yeah. I killed it.

Jimmy Kimmel Television Star: (eyes widening, almost speechless) Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Aziz Ansari: This is the fifth were-vampire I've killed today. But somewhere, the original were-vampire is still out there hiding. And do you know why he is hiding? Well hold on I'll tell you. This: Because he knows that when I find him, I'm gonna make him pay for what he did to that little orphan child. (Aziz would then look directly into the camera, with like this icy brown stare that shows how fucking serious he is.) Do you hear me, King Were-Vampire, you fuck?! You're gonna pay for what you did to Larry!

Jimmy Kimmel Television Star: Oh man. That dude is toast!

Aziz Ansari: Yes. Yes he fucking is.

(Then Aziz would turn to the camera again, bare his teeth, and flip it off. But no, America would not be offended because for one hey, this is late night TV. Who cares, right? A middle finger ain't shit on a shellfish. For two: come on it is Aziz. The people of America know he is flipping off King Were-Vampire and not their hungry pregnant wives so it is okay.)

Jimmy Kimmel Television Star: So. Besides that whole were-vampire thing, what else is going on? Do you have any hobbies?

Aziz Ansari: Sorry Jimmy Kimmel. You seem like a nice enough person, but I don't have time for this bullshit Q & A double bullshit. I'm gonna get on my chopper and ride to the town of Bloodsylvania. It's time I ended this were-vampire business once and for all.

Jimmy Kimmel Television Star: We believe in you, Aziz.

Aziz Ansari: I know you do, Jimmy Kimmel. I know everybody does. And believe me, it makes all the difference in the fucking world.

(Aziz would stand up, salute the Jimmy Kimmel Live audience, and walk right the fuck out. For a while, nobody would be talking. They would be shutting their mouths for once because because hey, lets show some respect for what Aziz is doing and also that orphan kid Larry. Here is how quiet it would be: All you would be able to hear is like the audience's heartbeat. The heartbeats would all be beating together, and later maybe a professor would think that somehow maybe it symbolized America. So everybody would still be quiet right, and then they'd hear Aziz's Motorcycle rev up in the background. Oh, and can you stay silent then? What are you made of stone or something? No. You are probably not. You don't stay quiet when you hear Aziz's motorcycle revving, you fucking cheer. You bet the crowd would go wild. Yes, they would. The camera would just be on Jimmy Kimmel and maybe his eyes would be a little misty.)

Jimmy Kimmel Television Star: This is why I care.

Lights out, roll credits. God, would you even bother watching TV after seeing that? How could you you'd be too inspired.