Aziz Fucking Noir
This entry isn't as long as Aziz vs Mutant Island. It is shorter. This entry is for people who can use their fucking brain to imagine a different time as well as a different place. Yes. A time of Guys. A time of Dolls. Not Guys and Dolls together though because that is a musical. And do you think Aziz watches musicals? No. Aziz watches musicals for breakfast.
Scene: An alley. It is dark. It is also foggy. A gunshot rings out and it hits somebody and it hurts them. Aziz, wearing his trademark trench coat and fedora, falls backwards onto the cold, damp cement. Because the somebody that got shot was Aziz. A woman emerges from the fog with her Aryan blond hair pulled back into a bun. She has bright red lipstick and she's wearing a fur coat and black stilettos. A stiletto can also be a knife to stab people with, but right here I'm talking about shoes. In her left hand she is holding a stiletto. In her right hand she is holding a pistol with a pearl handle because she is a girl. As she walks slowly over to Aziz, her steps echo across the pavement. A light rain begins to fall. Looming over Aziz, the woman watches the dark red blood spill from his shoulder. She's crying, but she raises the gun to Aziz's head. She doesn't raise the shoe stiletto but she raises the other one.
"Oh Aziz, my darling," she says, "You know how long I've loved you. You carried me out of the gutter and you made me a lady. That night we fucked was pure magic and it threw glitter on everything I saw. But then you go and leave, breaking my heart and my emotional stability. And in this day and age, the 1940's, going to see a psychiatrist is not as socially acceptable as it will be in 65 years. America's Great Depression has just ended, but my Great Depression has just began. And please, darling, understand that they are two very different kinds of depressions. Oh I didn't want to kill you Aziz, honey. I didn't. I just couldn't bear to have you love someone else."
The dame, turning her head and closing her eyes, prepares to shoot Aziz and then stab him with both kinds of stilettos. It starts to rain harder and far off in the distance a dog is barking. Aziz has kept his eyes shut the entire time, a grimace held firm on his face. And then he does a wicked helicopter spin kick, the kind you see in capoeira, the dancing martial art, and he kicks the gun and the stiletto out of her hands. Relieved, but so emotionally confused, the dame starts again with the water works, her tears mercifully masked by rain that continues to soak her.
"I was meeting you so that we could remember what we once had," Aziz says. "We were going to fuck like we used to. Like champs. But you shouldn't have shot me, Betty. It's not WJWD. So it's over. I'm sorry. And I'm sorry you're a skank."
Aziz walks away, his body soon becoming no more than a silhouette in the merciful rain and the mysterious fog. Betty, broken and shattered, falls to her knees with the realization that for her, love will never be more than a memory. She had it all, once. But she blew it. Both literally and figuratively.
Scene: An alley. It is dark. It is also foggy. A gunshot rings out and it hits somebody and it hurts them. Aziz, wearing his trademark trench coat and fedora, falls backwards onto the cold, damp cement. Because the somebody that got shot was Aziz. A woman emerges from the fog with her Aryan blond hair pulled back into a bun. She has bright red lipstick and she's wearing a fur coat and black stilettos. A stiletto can also be a knife to stab people with, but right here I'm talking about shoes. In her left hand she is holding a stiletto. In her right hand she is holding a pistol with a pearl handle because she is a girl. As she walks slowly over to Aziz, her steps echo across the pavement. A light rain begins to fall. Looming over Aziz, the woman watches the dark red blood spill from his shoulder. She's crying, but she raises the gun to Aziz's head. She doesn't raise the shoe stiletto but she raises the other one.
"Oh Aziz, my darling," she says, "You know how long I've loved you. You carried me out of the gutter and you made me a lady. That night we fucked was pure magic and it threw glitter on everything I saw. But then you go and leave, breaking my heart and my emotional stability. And in this day and age, the 1940's, going to see a psychiatrist is not as socially acceptable as it will be in 65 years. America's Great Depression has just ended, but my Great Depression has just began. And please, darling, understand that they are two very different kinds of depressions. Oh I didn't want to kill you Aziz, honey. I didn't. I just couldn't bear to have you love someone else."
The dame, turning her head and closing her eyes, prepares to shoot Aziz and then stab him with both kinds of stilettos. It starts to rain harder and far off in the distance a dog is barking. Aziz has kept his eyes shut the entire time, a grimace held firm on his face. And then he does a wicked helicopter spin kick, the kind you see in capoeira, the dancing martial art, and he kicks the gun and the stiletto out of her hands. Relieved, but so emotionally confused, the dame starts again with the water works, her tears mercifully masked by rain that continues to soak her.
"I was meeting you so that we could remember what we once had," Aziz says. "We were going to fuck like we used to. Like champs. But you shouldn't have shot me, Betty. It's not WJWD. So it's over. I'm sorry. And I'm sorry you're a skank."
Aziz walks away, his body soon becoming no more than a silhouette in the merciful rain and the mysterious fog. Betty, broken and shattered, falls to her knees with the realization that for her, love will never be more than a memory. She had it all, once. But she blew it. Both literally and figuratively.
posted by Prince Fontaine at 5:27 PM
6 Comments:
This is awesome. Aziz would be proud.
What would Aziz Ansari do if he got really depressed because he was sad about a break up? And suddenly his clothes turned into scorpions?
I will answer your question, anonymous. I will. You can count on that. But first I will answer another question that came before yours. Yes, someone beat you to the question, anonymous. Does that make you sad? I can't say I'm surprised. You see, your question is the first place second place and I will answer it accordingly.
how about a new post, PRINCE?
What would Aziz do if he were personally selected by the US government to test their new military training facilities, but it was actually a trap set by some rich tobacco baron (played by Brian Cox) who want to kill Aziz because he doesn't smoke american cigars (only cubans). And there were like a whole bunch of tests and stuff that seemed to be important to the military but they were really designed to kill Aziz.
fucking update already!
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