Aziz Vs. a Huge Robot and Oxygen Deficiency and a Black Hole
Yes, I know it has been too long since I posted. How do I know? Well maybe because I'm the one who posts here, you ass. I know how long it has been exactly. So instead of telling me where is all the Aziz speculation, what you need to do is keep in mind that hey, maybe Prince Fontaine was at a big Hollywood party. Maybe he was on tour with his metal band. Maybe he was out bagging all the women and didn't have time to write. Well? Is this what I was doing? I'm not telling it is a mystery.
But this blog is not about me you know. It is about a little someone that I like to call hmmm… maybe…Aziz Fucking Ansari? Yes. Fucking A. And that's who people want to know about. For example Mr. Kirke Gardener does, and he wrote me this next comment right here:
Fuck, it would be so cold. Aziz would be on the ice-moon Europa and probably be in the early stages of frostbite. What? You can't believe it? Frostbite? God, I said "early stages"! Okay, well Aziz is fucking badass but come on he is only human! Is he so different than you? Yes he is. You would fucking die on Europa. I mean, it is an ice moon for crying out loud. Space is already pretty freezing. Science.
All of a sudden shit, here comes this huge black shadow over the horizon. IMHO, it would be the size of a mountain or something. And MHO is right. It fucking would be. But hello it's not a mountain because it's moving! It's moving straight towards Aziz like a huge fucking boomerang that Aziz didn't throw. However, it is not shaped like a boomerang.
Aziz would watch it right, but no he would not be scared. He takes things as they come, man. He'd just stand there and think to himself, "Maybe this thing coming over the horizon will kill me, but maybe it fucking won't. Either way, like I care, because at least before I died I was able to kill Commander Ivanovitch and free the mutated slave children (adventure not posted)."
Aziz, using his brain, would soon realize that what looks like a moving mountain, it is in fact the biggest fucking robot Europa has ever seen. You know how at McDonalds you can say, "I'd like that Super-Sized," and then they'll give you your meal with a ton more fries and a whole bunch more cola? Well they will. Try it out, fatty. But the reason I mention McDonalds is because readers should know that even though I was talking about Super-Sizing, that is not what happened to the huge robot. No. This kind of robot was specifically designed to crush Aziz, and so it only comes in one fucking size: Inadequate. Because here is some foreshadowing for you: This robot(MT. DESTROY X1702)is not going to kill Aziz even though it is so enormous. Please. Come on.
So ask yourself this question: Can robots feel fear? Because if this robot could, if this robot had proper programming, it would have fucking oiled its pants. Yes. But then again if it had proper programming, no doubt it would have told his creator, "BEEP! HELLO, DR. VANHYDEN. WHAT IS THAT? YOU WANT ME TO CRUSH AZIZ?! ARE YOU CRAZY I AM OUT OF HERE! BEEP BOOP!"
The robot would be right on top of Aziz when Aziz would look up into the sky. And you know, space is dark. But what is darker than space? Nothing? Well I'm sorry but that is a stupid answer. No. A black hole is darker. It is midnight's midnight. And plus black holes pull things toward them and crush them, so...shit. So now there's two things threatening Aziz's very life. Some people might stupidly think Aziz was in trouble, what with the black hole and the giganto robot. And Kirke, I'm talking to you here. You were wrong, buddy.
Aziz would take off his helmet and throw it at the one million ton robot. He'd throw it so good and so hard that when it would hit the robot he'd be knocked back and fall down. Fuck! I am talking about taking down a robot the size of a mountain here! Who could do this? Who is this man?! Answer: He is Aziz. Get over it. If you can. Because remember this too, Aziz just took off his space helmet so now he has to hold his breath. Plus his face is extra cold. Double suck, right? Wrong. Double oh well who cares.
Aziz, still holding his breath, would run over the mountain robot, pick him up by the ankle, and proceed to twirl him around and around. Finally, he would let the robot go soaring off into the atmosphere. At first, the audience would be like, "Whatever! I thought the robot weighed one million tons or something! Yes, clearly Aziz is super strong, but come on that is unbelievable." Well maybe the audience should take a timeout for science. Seriously. Educate yourselves. You see, on Europa, things only weigh 13.35% of what they weigh on Earth. That means that on Europa, the robot weighed not even close to one million tons!
Now at this point, the robot is flying out of control towards the black hole. And Aziz, even though he can hold his breath longer than olympic swimmers, is starting to need some air. In the theater, everyone watching this would be gripping their seats. Girls who are pretty would have boyfriends and they'd be holding them because motherfuck! what a tense situation!
The gargantuan robot, trying to control itself in order to avoid the black hole, would start firing its after-burners like crazy. Hmmm... do you know why fire and ice aren't ever pictured together? Here's why: Because fire flat out murders ice. It stabs ice and makes it bleed water until there is nothing left. And then, if fire keeps on stabbing water, the water's soul will rise out in the form of steam.
EVERYBODY STOP!!!!
Okay. I said stop because it is time for a lesson. Are you ready now for some chemistry? Yes? Well I'm not talking about the chemistry that causes such a great onscreen connection between Steven Seagal and Playmate Erika Eleniak in the first Under Siege movie.
I'm talking about the kind of chemistry that Aziz probably learned about when he went undercover at Dartmouth College. Yes. Science chemistry. Which brings me to my point. This: Water is made out of Oxygen (1) and Hydrogen (2) O1H2. Yes. And another duh fact is that people breathe Oxygen. Through their esophagus and lungs but that is biology but P.S. Aziz knows biology too (sex).
EVERYBODY GO!!!!
So therefore, using what we have learned, it becomes highly logical to deduce that Aziz would be able get his fucking oxygen from the steam. Bam! He's got his air. Problem solved. "Wait shit though. Um...hey, isn't there a robot still? And a black hole? How is Aziz going to escape from those things?" Well, actually, I don't know. To be honest, I think this might be a little more than even Aziz could handle. I mean seriously. A mountain-sized robot? AND a black hole? Even to Aziz, those things are pretty scary.
Come on. I'm joking. They are fuck.
The robot would be afterburning head-first back to Europa with all of it's might, trying not only to crush Aziz, but also trying to escape the black hole. And here's the scary part: The robot would steadily be making ground. Inch by inch it would get closer to Europa. But then, Aziz would run up right beneath the robot, and he'd fucking power jump punch it back into the black hole. The robot would spin straight into the black hole and plug it up. There'd be this huge robot, with his metal ass stuck in a black hole, and he wouldn't be able to move.
Aziz, having just saved the hole planet of Europa plus our galaxy and maybe you, would be safe. He'd climb up to the top of an ice drift, the Europa wind blowing back his hair, and he'd look up at the stars and Jupiter, which is big. He'd take a deep breath of steam, he'd frown and say "It used to be pretty here. This used to be my sanctuary. But now, up in the sky, it looks like there's a big robot taking a dump. Fuck you, technology." Then he'd go back to his space-motorcycle and fly on to different space adventure, this one maybe with green women that have three boobs.
But this blog is not about me you know. It is about a little someone that I like to call hmmm… maybe…Aziz Fucking Ansari? Yes. Fucking A. And that's who people want to know about. For example Mr. Kirke Gardener does, and he wrote me this next comment right here:
what if Aziz was battling a giant robot that was designed with the sole purpose of crushing him in its massive aziz-crushing hands. And what if this battle was happening on one of the moons of Jupiter where there isn't even any air for him to breathe? And then what if the moon was being sucked into a black hole so that even if he was able to beat the robot he would still probably die from the black hole? i'm not saying i want this to happen but how would Aziz deal with it if it did?Oh-ho man! Kirk, you almost get it. This question, mmmm it is so good, but man it just shows me that you are like a retarded kung fu grasshopper and I'm like that monk teacher guy who makes you try to take the stone out of my hand. And hey good luck doing that because I am very fast. But whatever, this blog is not about me. Here's how it would all go down.
Fuck, it would be so cold. Aziz would be on the ice-moon Europa and probably be in the early stages of frostbite. What? You can't believe it? Frostbite? God, I said "early stages"! Okay, well Aziz is fucking badass but come on he is only human! Is he so different than you? Yes he is. You would fucking die on Europa. I mean, it is an ice moon for crying out loud. Space is already pretty freezing. Science.
All of a sudden shit, here comes this huge black shadow over the horizon. IMHO, it would be the size of a mountain or something. And MHO is right. It fucking would be. But hello it's not a mountain because it's moving! It's moving straight towards Aziz like a huge fucking boomerang that Aziz didn't throw. However, it is not shaped like a boomerang.
Aziz would watch it right, but no he would not be scared. He takes things as they come, man. He'd just stand there and think to himself, "Maybe this thing coming over the horizon will kill me, but maybe it fucking won't. Either way, like I care, because at least before I died I was able to kill Commander Ivanovitch and free the mutated slave children (adventure not posted)."
Aziz, using his brain, would soon realize that what looks like a moving mountain, it is in fact the biggest fucking robot Europa has ever seen. You know how at McDonalds you can say, "I'd like that Super-Sized," and then they'll give you your meal with a ton more fries and a whole bunch more cola? Well they will. Try it out, fatty. But the reason I mention McDonalds is because readers should know that even though I was talking about Super-Sizing, that is not what happened to the huge robot. No. This kind of robot was specifically designed to crush Aziz, and so it only comes in one fucking size: Inadequate. Because here is some foreshadowing for you: This robot(MT. DESTROY X1702)is not going to kill Aziz even though it is so enormous. Please. Come on.
So ask yourself this question: Can robots feel fear? Because if this robot could, if this robot had proper programming, it would have fucking oiled its pants. Yes. But then again if it had proper programming, no doubt it would have told his creator, "BEEP! HELLO, DR. VANHYDEN. WHAT IS THAT? YOU WANT ME TO CRUSH AZIZ?! ARE YOU CRAZY I AM OUT OF HERE! BEEP BOOP!"
The robot would be right on top of Aziz when Aziz would look up into the sky. And you know, space is dark. But what is darker than space? Nothing? Well I'm sorry but that is a stupid answer. No. A black hole is darker. It is midnight's midnight. And plus black holes pull things toward them and crush them, so...shit. So now there's two things threatening Aziz's very life. Some people might stupidly think Aziz was in trouble, what with the black hole and the giganto robot. And Kirke, I'm talking to you here. You were wrong, buddy.
Aziz would take off his helmet and throw it at the one million ton robot. He'd throw it so good and so hard that when it would hit the robot he'd be knocked back and fall down. Fuck! I am talking about taking down a robot the size of a mountain here! Who could do this? Who is this man?! Answer: He is Aziz. Get over it. If you can. Because remember this too, Aziz just took off his space helmet so now he has to hold his breath. Plus his face is extra cold. Double suck, right? Wrong. Double oh well who cares.
Aziz, still holding his breath, would run over the mountain robot, pick him up by the ankle, and proceed to twirl him around and around. Finally, he would let the robot go soaring off into the atmosphere. At first, the audience would be like, "Whatever! I thought the robot weighed one million tons or something! Yes, clearly Aziz is super strong, but come on that is unbelievable." Well maybe the audience should take a timeout for science. Seriously. Educate yourselves. You see, on Europa, things only weigh 13.35% of what they weigh on Earth. That means that on Europa, the robot weighed not even close to one million tons!
Now at this point, the robot is flying out of control towards the black hole. And Aziz, even though he can hold his breath longer than olympic swimmers, is starting to need some air. In the theater, everyone watching this would be gripping their seats. Girls who are pretty would have boyfriends and they'd be holding them because motherfuck! what a tense situation!
The gargantuan robot, trying to control itself in order to avoid the black hole, would start firing its after-burners like crazy. Hmmm... do you know why fire and ice aren't ever pictured together? Here's why: Because fire flat out murders ice. It stabs ice and makes it bleed water until there is nothing left. And then, if fire keeps on stabbing water, the water's soul will rise out in the form of steam.
EVERYBODY STOP!!!!
Okay. I said stop because it is time for a lesson. Are you ready now for some chemistry? Yes? Well I'm not talking about the chemistry that causes such a great onscreen connection between Steven Seagal and Playmate Erika Eleniak in the first Under Siege movie.
I'm talking about the kind of chemistry that Aziz probably learned about when he went undercover at Dartmouth College. Yes. Science chemistry. Which brings me to my point. This: Water is made out of Oxygen (1) and Hydrogen (2) O1H2. Yes. And another duh fact is that people breathe Oxygen. Through their esophagus and lungs but that is biology but P.S. Aziz knows biology too (sex).
EVERYBODY GO!!!!
So therefore, using what we have learned, it becomes highly logical to deduce that Aziz would be able get his fucking oxygen from the steam. Bam! He's got his air. Problem solved. "Wait shit though. Um...hey, isn't there a robot still? And a black hole? How is Aziz going to escape from those things?" Well, actually, I don't know. To be honest, I think this might be a little more than even Aziz could handle. I mean seriously. A mountain-sized robot? AND a black hole? Even to Aziz, those things are pretty scary.
Come on. I'm joking. They are fuck.
The robot would be afterburning head-first back to Europa with all of it's might, trying not only to crush Aziz, but also trying to escape the black hole. And here's the scary part: The robot would steadily be making ground. Inch by inch it would get closer to Europa. But then, Aziz would run up right beneath the robot, and he'd fucking power jump punch it back into the black hole. The robot would spin straight into the black hole and plug it up. There'd be this huge robot, with his metal ass stuck in a black hole, and he wouldn't be able to move.
Aziz, having just saved the hole planet of Europa plus our galaxy and maybe you, would be safe. He'd climb up to the top of an ice drift, the Europa wind blowing back his hair, and he'd look up at the stars and Jupiter, which is big. He'd take a deep breath of steam, he'd frown and say "It used to be pretty here. This used to be my sanctuary. But now, up in the sky, it looks like there's a big robot taking a dump. Fuck you, technology." Then he'd go back to his space-motorcycle and fly on to different space adventure, this one maybe with green women that have three boobs.
posted by Prince Fontaine at 10:40 PM
1 Comments:
well i guess you answered my question, Prince. in fact if Aziz himself were to answer that question he would have probably kicked more ass than you did but only a little bit. and only because he is Aziz. thanks. But i still wonder, what would he do if he were hunted by a whole team of superhuman mutants, like the x-men, but evil and jealous of his awesomness, and they had invited him to an island where they could hunt him? like what if they tricked him into going there to save america but really they just wanted kill him so that they could show america that they werent afraid of it anymore cause they could kill Aziz. what would he do then?
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