Aziz vs. Himself Times 900
Oh man ladies and gentleman. I got another email, and this one isn't all about pansy scrapbooking parties, i.e. fuck you Paul from Texas. Well I'm sorry I haven't updated in a few days but you need to realize that for me there is more to the Internet than blog. There is email and naked and music for me too. Anyway, take a look at this one and see where messing with Aziz gets you. Answer: To a place where the ruptured spleen population has just increased by one(1), you fuck! Here is the email:
Matt, I am glad you asked this question. I knew it was bound to come up sooner or later, because it's like the game Street Fighter II, where eventually you have to fight yourself, and it's like, "Hey. There is nobody who can beat me except myself and oh no, now I'm up against this very situation." Yes. Except it's like several hundred of that.
So what would have happened is, there's this mad scientist who wants to dead kill Aziz because maybe the mad scientist's girlfriend was saved by Aziz after a landslide and is now totally horny for Aziz but not the mad scientist. So the mad scientist has one thing on his mind: "Kill Aziz with Aziz clones." Why does he think this? Well he is not stupid. He's mad. Also he is a scientist. He knows robots won't work because he probably saw the movie about Aziz and the time traveling robot. Come on, his only other scientist choices are the Frankenstein monster or clones. So give him a break. Frankenstein isn't real. Cloning is.
First, the scientist would buy Aziz's hair at an auction for like $5,000. And you can buy a nice used car for that much. The mad scientist would take the hair home to his laboratory, put it in his clone microwave, and set the microwave to make 900 clones. Yes. That is a lot of clones.
Can you even imagine the audience when 900 fucking Aziz clones step out of the clone microwave? If you can, I'm sure you imagined them shitting their fucking pants because come on 900 clones? How do you stop that? I will tell you how. Here's the first thing: You have to be Aziz Ansari. Here's the second thing: There is no fucking second thing. Because after the 900 clones step out of the microwave, the camera pans up and guess who's hiding up on the ceiling like a spy? Aziz. That is who. Yes. He's been watching the whole thing because you know what? Letting a strand of his hair go to auction was a trap. You see, Aziz has some fucking self-respect and he wouldn't pull that kind of shit if there wasn't a plan involved. Aziz knew that the mad scientist was pissed because it said so in all the pornographic love letters Aziz kept getting from the mad scientist's girlfriend. Her name was Brianna.
Now, the mad scientist would NOT know that Aziz is hiding on the ceiling, and he would huddle all of the Aziz clones together to sculpt their new and impressionable minds. He'd say to them, "Look guys. I made you. You're gonna have to do what I say. And you know what I say? I say kill Aziz. Here's what he looks like: He looks exactly like you do, except he's wearing a badass cowboy hat that fashion wise, he totally pulls off. So that's what he looks like. Go on now and kill him."
And you know what? The mad scientist would be right because Aziz would be wearing a cowboy hat at that exact moment. So now the audience would be thinking "Oh, this is great. Aziz is going to put his cowboy hat on the heads of the clones so that they end up killing each other or something. What a fucking genius move on Aziz's part." Yes. Well, why doesn't Aziz just fucking watch Gilmore Girls while he is at it? I will tell you. Because Aziz doesn't do things in a pussified Oprah manner how many times am I going to have to tell you?! That is right. Nobody would be killing the 900(!) clones except the original Aziz. So count them up. 1, 2, etc. to 900: Dead.
So there's Aziz on the ceiling, right? And the 900 clones would be right below him. Aziz would be all "Hey. Clones. You really blow me away." They'd look up and just then Aziz would drop his belt that would be full of grenades. The camera would give a slow, steady shot to each of Aziz's fingers, and the audience would gasp when we see a grenade pin on each one. About 800 of the clones would be blown up, and unfortunately Aziz would get blown up clone all over him. But as soon as the grenades went off, Aziz would drop from the ceiling, fucking cowboy hat still on, and start snapping all of the clone's necks. And they'd be all like, "I can not hear. A large noise has just gone off that has affected my hearing and I don't understand what it could be because I was created in a clone microwave just moments ago." Does it sound like you should pity these clones? Oh come on, these clones have one thing on their minds, i.e., "Kill the cowboy hat Aziz." It would be self defense just like with the bats see post entitled epilogue to previous post.
No. Aziz would not pity the murder clones. He would use their moment of confusion to quickly and humanely snap their necks like he was a commando or something. Can you believe that? Aziz would have blown up 800 clones and snapped the necks of 100 clones! Well believe it. Oh, what is that? That is not what you are thinking? You are thinking what about the mad scientist? That is right! He is still alive! But he is cowering in fear in the corner, crying like I bet Paul from Texas would be crying. Paul, you are a fuck.
Without a word, Aziz would go up to the mad scientist and pluck a mad scientist hair. Then Aziz would put the hair in the clone microwave and set it to make two more copies. Soon, two more mad scientists would walk out. And here's the topper that just proves what awesome is. Do you think Aziz kills them? No. He does not. He just says, "If one of you can't fucking kill me, try your luck with three." And then maybe he flings his cowboy hat away and silently walks out of the laboratory without looking back. Do not mess with this man!
Little Ansari is a good buddy of mine...I guess you could say I'm his Mr. Miagi of sorts, I basically told him to take the blue pill and taught him how to use the crane technique etc... Anyhow one battle he has yet to face is the attack of the Aziz clones. Not just one clone but several hundred clones. How does he defeat several hundred of himself?
matt
Matt, I am glad you asked this question. I knew it was bound to come up sooner or later, because it's like the game Street Fighter II, where eventually you have to fight yourself, and it's like, "Hey. There is nobody who can beat me except myself and oh no, now I'm up against this very situation." Yes. Except it's like several hundred of that.
So what would have happened is, there's this mad scientist who wants to dead kill Aziz because maybe the mad scientist's girlfriend was saved by Aziz after a landslide and is now totally horny for Aziz but not the mad scientist. So the mad scientist has one thing on his mind: "Kill Aziz with Aziz clones." Why does he think this? Well he is not stupid. He's mad. Also he is a scientist. He knows robots won't work because he probably saw the movie about Aziz and the time traveling robot. Come on, his only other scientist choices are the Frankenstein monster or clones. So give him a break. Frankenstein isn't real. Cloning is.
First, the scientist would buy Aziz's hair at an auction for like $5,000. And you can buy a nice used car for that much. The mad scientist would take the hair home to his laboratory, put it in his clone microwave, and set the microwave to make 900 clones. Yes. That is a lot of clones.
Can you even imagine the audience when 900 fucking Aziz clones step out of the clone microwave? If you can, I'm sure you imagined them shitting their fucking pants because come on 900 clones? How do you stop that? I will tell you how. Here's the first thing: You have to be Aziz Ansari. Here's the second thing: There is no fucking second thing. Because after the 900 clones step out of the microwave, the camera pans up and guess who's hiding up on the ceiling like a spy? Aziz. That is who. Yes. He's been watching the whole thing because you know what? Letting a strand of his hair go to auction was a trap. You see, Aziz has some fucking self-respect and he wouldn't pull that kind of shit if there wasn't a plan involved. Aziz knew that the mad scientist was pissed because it said so in all the pornographic love letters Aziz kept getting from the mad scientist's girlfriend. Her name was Brianna.
Now, the mad scientist would NOT know that Aziz is hiding on the ceiling, and he would huddle all of the Aziz clones together to sculpt their new and impressionable minds. He'd say to them, "Look guys. I made you. You're gonna have to do what I say. And you know what I say? I say kill Aziz. Here's what he looks like: He looks exactly like you do, except he's wearing a badass cowboy hat that fashion wise, he totally pulls off. So that's what he looks like. Go on now and kill him."
And you know what? The mad scientist would be right because Aziz would be wearing a cowboy hat at that exact moment. So now the audience would be thinking "Oh, this is great. Aziz is going to put his cowboy hat on the heads of the clones so that they end up killing each other or something. What a fucking genius move on Aziz's part." Yes. Well, why doesn't Aziz just fucking watch Gilmore Girls while he is at it? I will tell you. Because Aziz doesn't do things in a pussified Oprah manner how many times am I going to have to tell you?! That is right. Nobody would be killing the 900(!) clones except the original Aziz. So count them up. 1, 2, etc. to 900: Dead.
So there's Aziz on the ceiling, right? And the 900 clones would be right below him. Aziz would be all "Hey. Clones. You really blow me away." They'd look up and just then Aziz would drop his belt that would be full of grenades. The camera would give a slow, steady shot to each of Aziz's fingers, and the audience would gasp when we see a grenade pin on each one. About 800 of the clones would be blown up, and unfortunately Aziz would get blown up clone all over him. But as soon as the grenades went off, Aziz would drop from the ceiling, fucking cowboy hat still on, and start snapping all of the clone's necks. And they'd be all like, "I can not hear. A large noise has just gone off that has affected my hearing and I don't understand what it could be because I was created in a clone microwave just moments ago." Does it sound like you should pity these clones? Oh come on, these clones have one thing on their minds, i.e., "Kill the cowboy hat Aziz." It would be self defense just like with the bats see post entitled epilogue to previous post.
No. Aziz would not pity the murder clones. He would use their moment of confusion to quickly and humanely snap their necks like he was a commando or something. Can you believe that? Aziz would have blown up 800 clones and snapped the necks of 100 clones! Well believe it. Oh, what is that? That is not what you are thinking? You are thinking what about the mad scientist? That is right! He is still alive! But he is cowering in fear in the corner, crying like I bet Paul from Texas would be crying. Paul, you are a fuck.
Without a word, Aziz would go up to the mad scientist and pluck a mad scientist hair. Then Aziz would put the hair in the clone microwave and set it to make two more copies. Soon, two more mad scientists would walk out. And here's the topper that just proves what awesome is. Do you think Aziz kills them? No. He does not. He just says, "If one of you can't fucking kill me, try your luck with three." And then maybe he flings his cowboy hat away and silently walks out of the laboratory without looking back. Do not mess with this man!
posted by Prince Fontaine at 3:47 PM
1 Comments:
I don't mean to be obvious, but I have been thinking about this for a long time and I don't get it. What if Aziz Ansari went to sleep one night in his bed, and then due to drugs or poisoned bed spread etc when he woke up he was:
1. In a giant hole with metal sides (can't jump out)
2. Naked (no ninja stars or steel toed boots or etc. )
3. If he has a sharpened fingernail it has been clipped
4. Up against a genetically altered 20 foot deathcheetah.
I hate to say it but It seems to me like in this situation it seems to me like Aziz Ansari would die. I mean, I wouldn't want to be the deathcheetah but....... .... This happens in the movie "DEXTRO" but dextro dies when this happens.
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