The First Email
So here's the first email I received regarding Aziz. It is from a Mr. "Curious in SC:"
But Aziz would not have time to worry about who sent the future robot because at that very minute, the robot would shoot at him with a plasma rail gun. Aziz would be okay, but the hot girl he met like two hours ago and was currently fucking would be shot in the heart and she'd die.
Aziz would roll off the bed and take cover behind a wall. Then, while the robot shot through the wall, he'd calmly put on a bathrobe and cowboy hat and light up another hand-rolled cigarette. Smoking is bad for you, but fyi? so is getting shot at by a future robot who is relentless, so please keep your goddamn lectures to yourself.
Now one way to stop a robot that everyone knows is to make its head explode by asking it something that doesn't compute. Well, this is the pussy nerd way to kill a robot, and that is not how Aziz Ansari fights his fucking battles.
Aziz would run his fingers along the rim of his cowboy hat before taking one last drag on cigarette and flicking it away. At this point the audience would be like, "Holy crap. He doesn't even care about the robot! He doesn't even care about a plasma rail gun!" But they'd be wrong because guess what Aziz has in his hand? C4 explosives. He'd do a barrel roll out into where the robot was and he'd put it in the robot's vision sensors. Then he'd say, "Hey robot. Just like you failed to see the enormity of your moral ineptitude when you killed the innocent girl I was having sex with, now you will fail to see your target! Namely, me!!" Then he'd pull wires out from a lamp or something and stick them into the C4. The robot would wander around blind, shooting its plasma rail gun into the ceiling. Now, to kill the robot, all Aziz would have to do is blow it up by flipping the switch to turn on the lamp.
The robot, even though it couldn't see, would still be able to sense this. It would say, "AZIZ, DO NOT BLAME ME. I AM ONLY DOING WHAT I WAS PROGRAMMED TO DO." And Aziz would say, "Then you were programmed to die, little buddy," and he'd flip the switch and the robot's head would be blown up and maybe like land in Aziz's hand. Without even looking he'd hook shot the robot head straight into the wastepaper basket.
What if a robot Governor came from the future to kill Aziz with some kind of plasma rail gun?Well good question, Curious. Lets say that a robot Governor did come from the future to kill Aziz. If it's coming from the future, we already know the robot is relentless. This is trouble number one. One of the other troubles is this: Because robots are expensive and probably going back in time is also expensive, the first question we have is ourselves is, "Who the fuck wants Aziz dead so bad and plus has access to robot time-traveling money?" The answer should be obvious. Yes, it is the rich tycoon who funded Aziz's cave expedition and is mad cause the fucking cave expert he sent to spy on Aziz got a shoe spike into the eye just before he fell into the Earth's very core. The spy was the rich tycoon's son! This fact was not covered in the movie about Aziz in the cave because I wanted to surprise you when I had to write about Aziz and robots.
But Aziz would not have time to worry about who sent the future robot because at that very minute, the robot would shoot at him with a plasma rail gun. Aziz would be okay, but the hot girl he met like two hours ago and was currently fucking would be shot in the heart and she'd die.
Aziz would roll off the bed and take cover behind a wall. Then, while the robot shot through the wall, he'd calmly put on a bathrobe and cowboy hat and light up another hand-rolled cigarette. Smoking is bad for you, but fyi? so is getting shot at by a future robot who is relentless, so please keep your goddamn lectures to yourself.
Now one way to stop a robot that everyone knows is to make its head explode by asking it something that doesn't compute. Well, this is the pussy nerd way to kill a robot, and that is not how Aziz Ansari fights his fucking battles.
Aziz would run his fingers along the rim of his cowboy hat before taking one last drag on cigarette and flicking it away. At this point the audience would be like, "Holy crap. He doesn't even care about the robot! He doesn't even care about a plasma rail gun!" But they'd be wrong because guess what Aziz has in his hand? C4 explosives. He'd do a barrel roll out into where the robot was and he'd put it in the robot's vision sensors. Then he'd say, "Hey robot. Just like you failed to see the enormity of your moral ineptitude when you killed the innocent girl I was having sex with, now you will fail to see your target! Namely, me!!" Then he'd pull wires out from a lamp or something and stick them into the C4. The robot would wander around blind, shooting its plasma rail gun into the ceiling. Now, to kill the robot, all Aziz would have to do is blow it up by flipping the switch to turn on the lamp.
The robot, even though it couldn't see, would still be able to sense this. It would say, "AZIZ, DO NOT BLAME ME. I AM ONLY DOING WHAT I WAS PROGRAMMED TO DO." And Aziz would say, "Then you were programmed to die, little buddy," and he'd flip the switch and the robot's head would be blown up and maybe like land in Aziz's hand. Without even looking he'd hook shot the robot head straight into the wastepaper basket.
posted by Prince Fontaine at 5:26 PM
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