Paul From Texas Email
It turns out people really want to know about Aziz. I can't say I am surprised. Here's the second email: 
No. That is for girls. Still, I don't want to offend any readers and I promised to answer your questions. I'll induldge you. Thanks for writing.
So, Paul from Texas, I guess your question is really, "What if Aziz was at a scrapbooking party?" First off, let me tell you this: Aziz would only be there because afterwards all the girls at the scrapbook party were maybe going to have like a big orgy with sex or something and there were no other dudes. There is no other reason to go to a scrapbook party. Because, come on. I said I'd put him in a non-fucking badass scenario, but that doesn't mean Aziz is a big pansy teener-weiner. No. He is the opposite of that. Scrapbooking is for the preservation of memories, i.e., memories that Aziz maybe doesn't want to preserve because of all people that unfortunately he couldn't protect. Still, these dead people were all sacrifices in the course of Aziz saving our great nation and freedom.
So if Aziz was at a scrapbook party and all of the girls were cutting construction paper and gluing glitter and talking in high voices about how everything is so precious, Aziz would be in the corner, his face hidden in the shadows, and he'd be drinking straight, warm, whiskey. He'd be bleeding from his right arm thanks to a mysterious gunshot wound he got on the way over, but he'd play it off like it wasn't a big thing at all. The scrapbooking hot girls would be all "Why am I using pictures to remember the past when what I really want to remember is this moment right now? I want to scrapbook the person in the corner who is bleeding but is still really tough about it. Plus OMG he's drinking straight whiskey. I want to scrapbook him. I do not want to wait until after the scrapbooking to have a sex orgy with him."
All of the model girls, who by the way could be in Playboy if they wanted to, would try and finish scrapbooking real fast so they could finally start all the fucking. Just as they were about to finish, though, this red telephone would ring. Aziz would look at it and know what it meant. He'd pick it up and go "Yes? Yes. That is indeed tragic news. Mmm-hmmm. Yes, of course. Right away, Mr. President of the United States of America." And the women would be staring at him with these ga-ga eyes, but guess what, ladies? Freedom comes first. That's what. He had to go do whatever exciting but extremely dangerous mission the President wanted him to do. And it's like, if the President was calling him, it had to be serious. The girls would know this, but knowing how important Aziz was only made them more horny, so they'd make him promise to come back after his mission for like, the best sex he'd ever have in his life. Aziz would just nod and say, "Girls, when I'm about to start a mission, I consider myself already dead. That's how dangerous my missions are. For me, surving is like a pleasant surprise, like a winning scratch ticket or something. Because seriously how many people do you know who can survive all of the gunfire and explosions and knife fights and assassins that come with the territory of my secret job that involves the President? So I'll come back if I can, but it might be in a body bag. Plus, I don't know if you noticed, but I'm gonna have to complete this mission with this fucking gunshot wound I got. Anyway, please enjoy your scrapbooking ladies. I've have to go."
And then he'd leave all of these women who are major sexed-up and right outside would be two deadly assassins wearing white Italian suits. He'd chuck two ninja stars at them at the same time and kill them both in the head before they even got a shot off. He knew they were there the whole fucking time.
Hey Prince, I checked out your Aziz is a Fucking Badass Blog, and it's pretty cool. However, I notice that all of the entries so far have been about Aziz being a fucking badass in situations that are already fucking badass. That's cool and all, but what if Aziz were placed in a non-fucking badass situation?Yeah Paul, the discussion so far has been about Aziz kicking ass in kickass places. I am telling you now that it sounds to me like you're asking for Kindergarten Cop when I'm serving up Conan the Barbarian. Do you know why Aziz is in fucking badass situations and not stuck in Boo-Hoo Crying Chickville? Here's a hint for you that is also the answer: Because he's fucking badass and he doesn't have time for any of your pussy Jane Eyre Pride and Prejudice bullshit.
Thanks,
Paul From Texas
No. That is for girls. Still, I don't want to offend any readers and I promised to answer your questions. I'll induldge you. Thanks for writing.So, Paul from Texas, I guess your question is really, "What if Aziz was at a scrapbooking party?" First off, let me tell you this: Aziz would only be there because afterwards all the girls at the scrapbook party were maybe going to have like a big orgy with sex or something and there were no other dudes. There is no other reason to go to a scrapbook party. Because, come on. I said I'd put him in a non-fucking badass scenario, but that doesn't mean Aziz is a big pansy teener-weiner. No. He is the opposite of that. Scrapbooking is for the preservation of memories, i.e., memories that Aziz maybe doesn't want to preserve because of all people that unfortunately he couldn't protect. Still, these dead people were all sacrifices in the course of Aziz saving our great nation and freedom.
So if Aziz was at a scrapbook party and all of the girls were cutting construction paper and gluing glitter and talking in high voices about how everything is so precious, Aziz would be in the corner, his face hidden in the shadows, and he'd be drinking straight, warm, whiskey. He'd be bleeding from his right arm thanks to a mysterious gunshot wound he got on the way over, but he'd play it off like it wasn't a big thing at all. The scrapbooking hot girls would be all "Why am I using pictures to remember the past when what I really want to remember is this moment right now? I want to scrapbook the person in the corner who is bleeding but is still really tough about it. Plus OMG he's drinking straight whiskey. I want to scrapbook him. I do not want to wait until after the scrapbooking to have a sex orgy with him."
All of the model girls, who by the way could be in Playboy if they wanted to, would try and finish scrapbooking real fast so they could finally start all the fucking. Just as they were about to finish, though, this red telephone would ring. Aziz would look at it and know what it meant. He'd pick it up and go "Yes? Yes. That is indeed tragic news. Mmm-hmmm. Yes, of course. Right away, Mr. President of the United States of America." And the women would be staring at him with these ga-ga eyes, but guess what, ladies? Freedom comes first. That's what. He had to go do whatever exciting but extremely dangerous mission the President wanted him to do. And it's like, if the President was calling him, it had to be serious. The girls would know this, but knowing how important Aziz was only made them more horny, so they'd make him promise to come back after his mission for like, the best sex he'd ever have in his life. Aziz would just nod and say, "Girls, when I'm about to start a mission, I consider myself already dead. That's how dangerous my missions are. For me, surving is like a pleasant surprise, like a winning scratch ticket or something. Because seriously how many people do you know who can survive all of the gunfire and explosions and knife fights and assassins that come with the territory of my secret job that involves the President? So I'll come back if I can, but it might be in a body bag. Plus, I don't know if you noticed, but I'm gonna have to complete this mission with this fucking gunshot wound I got. Anyway, please enjoy your scrapbooking ladies. I've have to go."
And then he'd leave all of these women who are major sexed-up and right outside would be two deadly assassins wearing white Italian suits. He'd chuck two ninja stars at them at the same time and kill them both in the head before they even got a shot off. He knew they were there the whole fucking time.
posted by Prince Fontaine at 5:40 PM
5 Comments:
Hilarious!
Oh, dear Prince,
You're so right on some aspects of Aziz and his greatness, but so wrong on others. Part of the true nature of Aziz's badassness is that he is badass at EVERYTHING!!! That includes scrapbooking. That includes preparing and hosting a six-course, sit-down dinner for 12 and wowing his guests with soup bowls that he carved out of gourds that he planted and grew himself. That includes just about any activity you would deem as "pussy" or just "for girls."
Also, don't forget that Aziz's copyediting skills are unmatched. When he read your last post and saw the word "surving" in the second-to-last paragraph, when you clearly meant "surviving," he vomited*, then re-typed the whole thing with his right hand while fighting a ninja and a werewolf with his left.
He's about to serve you a serious shame-sandwich when he sends you back your own post that he's just edited and re-typed on really high quality paper. Please note that he didn't get a drop of ninja or werewolf blood on the text.
*The sound of his vomiting was like angels singing. The smell? Like a meadow in springtime, bitch!!!!!
I undertand your point, comedy groupie from ny/tx, as well as your not so subtle efforts to correct what you deam as mistakes in my grammer. But understand this: Having the ability to do something badass and actually doing something badass are two completely different things. I, for example, might be completely badass at making friendship bracelets, but I wouldn't fucking know. Here's why: If some bastard named Paul from Texas made me go a friendship bracelet party, you can bet your sweet ass I wouldn't participate. And if I were Aziz, I'd have other things on my mind. Like the freedom of the fucking world, for example.
i would like to have aziz's children.
When you say Aziz Ansari, you mean Aziz Ansari the FUCKING BADASS, right!
My feelings about that can be best described by this emoticon ;[]
-Chris from PA
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