Aziz Versus A Deathcheetah Plus a Big Hole
So guess what. No. You are fucking wrong. But if you want to know what is so right keep reading because I'm going to tell you in the next sentence. I got another question about Aziz in my comment section that was from "anonymous." Anonymous wanted to ask a question about Aziz, but he didn't want to give a name. Hmmm. Hey anonymous, did you think that if you gave a name I would want to be hanging out with you to play laser tag or something? Did you think that if I had your name I would be call call calling you all of the time to ask you about your feelings? Well that's not what would have happened. I do not fucking think so. Here is the email from anonymous:
At first, I was embarassed to be answering this question. Yes. That is right. This situation is so fucking easy for Aziz that when I sat down at the computer to answer this question I was ashamed. But you know, it's like, if one person doesn't know the answer to this question, chances are there are other people who don't know either so hello maybe I should learn you. So I'll write your baby answer, but FYI anonymous? Whoever this Dextro was, he was a huge giant pussy that probably, just before he died, spent his last few moments thinking about how great life would have been if only he'd published his pansy poetry that was probably about teardrops and the touch of silk.
So there is Aziz, waking up in a giant metal hole naked with his fingernails cut and plus did you know he's up against a genetically altered 20 foot deathcheetah. Do you even know what genetically altered deathcheetah means? It means that A: It probably has these like saber teeth and maybe earlier in the movie the audience saw the deathcheetah bite through solid adamantium like it was just a cheeseburger and B: It is extra ferocious and you can tell cause it has red albino eyes and it growls big. But check this: The deathcheetah even though it is normally so ferocious like proven in B, would be so scared of Aziz that it would be anal glanding all over the place. Yes, that is disgusting, but that is what cats do when they are scared sometimes. And cheetahs are members of the cat family. I am probably allergic to them.
Aziz, even though he would be naked and tired would be like "I am glad I LET myself be drugged and taken here. I know that my body is a weapon and that leads to me having a lot of enemies. Enemies that like to remain hidden. Now that I have been drugged and put in a giant hole with metal sides, maybe I can find out who my enemy is. I guess it's time I get out of here." And with that, Aziz would walk over to the genetically altered 20 foot deathcheetah and give it an uppercut punch right the fuck in the neck. Yes. Picture that, readers. Picture a huge deathcheetah gasping, with its tongue all hanging out trying to breathe and its animal brain is all "My anal glanding was correct. I was right to fear this thing they call man." Because what good is running fast going to do you now, deathcheetah? And what good are those super sharp teeth if you are lying in a metal hole with a punched neck from Aziz? None. And when the genetically altered 20 foot deathcheetah realized that all of his natural defenses weren't worth shit when it came to defending against Aziz, it would give up its will to live and just die right there. It was choking to death anyway from the punched neck.
Then Aziz would be in the giant metal hole with a rotting deathcheetah corpse. Oh, but how does he get out of the hole? Maybe one of the lingerie models that he fucks whenever he wants will drop a rope down the hole and save him? If you think this, please go to hell. Yes a lingerie model would want to save Aziz, but guess what she is busy doing? Answer: Girl wanking to pictures of Aziz fighting crocodiles. No biggie for Aziz though, because for him it is so easy to get out of the hole by himself that you can't believe it. He would just go to the deathcheetah's corpse and tear out its skeleton with his bare hands, all while maybe letting out a primal growl that would scare children maybe you. Are you ready for this part, because this is where you'll be like "Fucking killer. This is the part I will be talking about at the water cooler tomorrow at my job." Aziz would use the deathcheetah's blood slimy intestines to tie together the deathcheetah bones. In like two hours he'd have made a ladder out of something that just two hours ago had been a deathcheetah. Yes.
Aziz would climb out of the hole and as soon as he did, running up to him would be this other hot chick that Aziz sometimes fucks but not because he loves. She'd have big boobs and say "Aziz, I'm so glad you're safe. I thought the deathcheetah was going to kill you." And she'd hug him and and Aziz would hug her back. Then, Aziz would whisper in her ear this: "You know, baby, I didn't say anything about a deathcheetah." Then she'd pull out this katana blade and try and stab Aziz, but Aziz would whip out the sharp saber tooth he had intestine tied to his back and he'd stab her just before she stabbed him. Before she died, Aziz would say "Why?" And she'd say "I...I was tired...I was tired of coming in second to the freedom of the United States of America. I wanted to win the first place blue ribbon in your heart." And there would be a little blood on her teeth like they do in other movies where people get stabbed. Then she'd die. The sun would just be starting to set and the wind would be blowing sand into Aziz's deathcheetah-bloodied face. He'd stand up over her body and say, "I'm sorry honey. You knew the rules going in. You weren't anything except a sweet lay to me. But I'm gonna miss that." The camera would be on Aziz's ankles and the wind would still be blowing. Then the wind would maybe pick up a page of newspaper and just as the newspaper flew into the camera the screen would go black and the credits would roll while playing AC/DC's Thunderstruck.
I don't mean to be obvious, but I have been thinking about this for a long time and I don't get it. What if Aziz Ansari went to sleep one night in his bed, and then due to drugs or poisoned bed spread etc when he woke up he was:Oh, anonymous, you think that Aziz would die? Well then I think you are brain slow and probably one of those people who shops at Hot Topic because they are vampire horny. Actually, I'm sorry. Now that I think about it, could I ask a favor of you, anonymous? Please? Could you please do the fucking math here I mean come on this a problem for babies not Aziz. Thank you for writing.
1. In a giant hole with metal sides (can't jump out)
2. Naked (no ninja stars or steel toed boots or etc. )
3. If he has a sharpened fingernail it has been clipped
4. Up against a genetically altered 20 foot deathcheetah.
I hate to say it but It seems to me like in this situation it seems to me like Aziz Ansari would die. I mean, I wouldn't want to be the deathcheetah but....... .... This happens in the movie "DEXTRO" but dextro dies when this happens
At first, I was embarassed to be answering this question. Yes. That is right. This situation is so fucking easy for Aziz that when I sat down at the computer to answer this question I was ashamed. But you know, it's like, if one person doesn't know the answer to this question, chances are there are other people who don't know either so hello maybe I should learn you. So I'll write your baby answer, but FYI anonymous? Whoever this Dextro was, he was a huge giant pussy that probably, just before he died, spent his last few moments thinking about how great life would have been if only he'd published his pansy poetry that was probably about teardrops and the touch of silk.
So there is Aziz, waking up in a giant metal hole naked with his fingernails cut and plus did you know he's up against a genetically altered 20 foot deathcheetah. Do you even know what genetically altered deathcheetah means? It means that A: It probably has these like saber teeth and maybe earlier in the movie the audience saw the deathcheetah bite through solid adamantium like it was just a cheeseburger and B: It is extra ferocious and you can tell cause it has red albino eyes and it growls big. But check this: The deathcheetah even though it is normally so ferocious like proven in B, would be so scared of Aziz that it would be anal glanding all over the place. Yes, that is disgusting, but that is what cats do when they are scared sometimes. And cheetahs are members of the cat family. I am probably allergic to them.
Aziz, even though he would be naked and tired would be like "I am glad I LET myself be drugged and taken here. I know that my body is a weapon and that leads to me having a lot of enemies. Enemies that like to remain hidden. Now that I have been drugged and put in a giant hole with metal sides, maybe I can find out who my enemy is. I guess it's time I get out of here." And with that, Aziz would walk over to the genetically altered 20 foot deathcheetah and give it an uppercut punch right the fuck in the neck. Yes. Picture that, readers. Picture a huge deathcheetah gasping, with its tongue all hanging out trying to breathe and its animal brain is all "My anal glanding was correct. I was right to fear this thing they call man." Because what good is running fast going to do you now, deathcheetah? And what good are those super sharp teeth if you are lying in a metal hole with a punched neck from Aziz? None. And when the genetically altered 20 foot deathcheetah realized that all of his natural defenses weren't worth shit when it came to defending against Aziz, it would give up its will to live and just die right there. It was choking to death anyway from the punched neck.
Then Aziz would be in the giant metal hole with a rotting deathcheetah corpse. Oh, but how does he get out of the hole? Maybe one of the lingerie models that he fucks whenever he wants will drop a rope down the hole and save him? If you think this, please go to hell. Yes a lingerie model would want to save Aziz, but guess what she is busy doing? Answer: Girl wanking to pictures of Aziz fighting crocodiles. No biggie for Aziz though, because for him it is so easy to get out of the hole by himself that you can't believe it. He would just go to the deathcheetah's corpse and tear out its skeleton with his bare hands, all while maybe letting out a primal growl that would scare children maybe you. Are you ready for this part, because this is where you'll be like "Fucking killer. This is the part I will be talking about at the water cooler tomorrow at my job." Aziz would use the deathcheetah's blood slimy intestines to tie together the deathcheetah bones. In like two hours he'd have made a ladder out of something that just two hours ago had been a deathcheetah. Yes.
Aziz would climb out of the hole and as soon as he did, running up to him would be this other hot chick that Aziz sometimes fucks but not because he loves. She'd have big boobs and say "Aziz, I'm so glad you're safe. I thought the deathcheetah was going to kill you." And she'd hug him and and Aziz would hug her back. Then, Aziz would whisper in her ear this: "You know, baby, I didn't say anything about a deathcheetah." Then she'd pull out this katana blade and try and stab Aziz, but Aziz would whip out the sharp saber tooth he had intestine tied to his back and he'd stab her just before she stabbed him. Before she died, Aziz would say "Why?" And she'd say "I...I was tired...I was tired of coming in second to the freedom of the United States of America. I wanted to win the first place blue ribbon in your heart." And there would be a little blood on her teeth like they do in other movies where people get stabbed. Then she'd die. The sun would just be starting to set and the wind would be blowing sand into Aziz's deathcheetah-bloodied face. He'd stand up over her body and say, "I'm sorry honey. You knew the rules going in. You weren't anything except a sweet lay to me. But I'm gonna miss that." The camera would be on Aziz's ankles and the wind would still be blowing. Then the wind would maybe pick up a page of newspaper and just as the newspaper flew into the camera the screen would go black and the credits would roll while playing AC/DC's Thunderstruck.
posted by Prince Fontaine at 4:19 PM
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