Thursday, April 10, 2008

Aziz Vs. His Enemies

And then Aziz’s hand would burst out from the belly of that fucking elephant. And yes the elephant would roar in pain, and it would be thinking like, “Mother fuck…life’s a bitch, huh? Because I’m the biggest of all land mammals, and still Aziz’s hand has torn through my insides like they weren’t made of elephant-tough intestine.” But that would be the last thought it would ever fucking elephant-think, because not even an elephant can survive a man being inside it and then punching through its insides when the man inside is Aziz and thus was never digested because Aziz never fucking can be digested. Not even mentally.

And if you noticed here, and if you take a second to fucking educate yourself, this Aziz life-capture starts in the middle like all good stories like the Iliad do. Because you, as the audience, you are probably like, “I don’t even fucking know where that elephant came from.” Well of course you fucking don’t because that story lies only in this story’s future and Aziz’s story’s past.

So yes, that was just a little amuse bouche of thrills and come on this is Aziz, so you know there’s like tons more potent action flavor for you to digest in non-stop gluttony if you will just hold your fucking delicious horses, fatty.

This Aziz revelation has occurred because a few questions from the audience were all asking the same question, namely: What do you get when you try to mind freak Aziz with a brain neutralizer? I am paraphrasing here because these questions were so stupid that fuck. Give me a break. For example:

“Aziz Ansari Vs. Timothy Leary. And Aziz is on LSD and doesn't know whats (sic) happening around him-- he thinks Leary is a beautiful golden tree nymph instead of a crazed professor with a chainsaw.”

– anonymous

“How about Aziz Ansari VS. a giant intangible floating skull that only Aziz can see, and the skull hovers over Aziz constantly and does nothing but scream and scream for hour on end, and when it stops doing that it insults Aziz with really good, biting disses. Bad example: "Aziz--- you've got a face like and ass and and ass like a face! SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-seven hours later---AM.


This wouldn't be a battle for Aziz's MIND rather than his body. Oh, and wait-- the skull also makes Aziz itch really bad. ANSWER!”

– traitor stick

“Aziz Vs. being really depressed and alone and not knowing if your dog loves you or just wants free dog treats.”


“How about a situation in which Aziz moves to New York? I’m just interested in what would happen: I don’t need him to fight anyone. Just like: how would he take it?”


It would be winter in New York City. 2 am, 3 feet of snow. Suddenly a perfectly circular chunk of snow would rise from the ground and Aziz would emerge from the sewers, tossing aside the snowy manhole cover like a child’s Frisbee toy because Aziz is strong. Even though it’s New York City, there’d be like nobody around and the odds of that happening are almost zero.

Never tell Aziz the odds.

From the street, Aziz would throw two knives far up to the roof of a skyscraper. Yes. He just killed a sniper. The sniper would fall towards the ground, bleeding profusely as he fell. And as he fell, Aziz would continue throwing knife after knife at the sniper’s dead body and the force of the knives would spin the body through the air so that its falling blood would spell out “Stop the killing” when the droplets stained the pure white snow. You see, Aziz has studied karate and he knows that even though he is a master of violence, it should only be used when necessary. For instance: like when a sniper fucks up. And that sniper did fuck up. Big time. The sniper chose the wrong team and now his kids will have to grow up without a sniper daddy. Once the sniper daddy was dealt with, Aziz would head towards a nearby apartment building.

And then time lapses!

Fuck. Yes, with these time lapses, this will be a decidedly stylish Aziz story. Because as Aziz would walk to the nearby apartment building, there’d be these flashes, and every time it flashed, Aziz would be closer to the building and there’d be more and more dead bodies on the ground. How did Aziz kill them? Well it isn’t shown. Nobody knows. Okay fine I will tell you so you can live it through your imagination: Aziz killed the henchmen by fucking running them over with a snowmobile, even though they were shooting at him the whole time.

And do you think the snowmobile had a spike on the front, so that when Aziz ran over the henchman he would impale them? You had better think so, because that’s what would have happened if they made snowmobiles like that. Yet as of this writing, they do not.

Aziz would enter the apartment, and there’d be this huge stairway wrapped around the interior of the building. And never mind those fucking guys with the Uzi’s who would be on the 8th floor and shooting down at Aziz. Aziz doesn’t even care about them because: He would just take this grenade that he found and use it. He’d pull the pin, hold it for a second, and then give it this casual underhand toss into the air. It would soar over the heads of the Uzi guys and explode on like the 12th floor. Yes. The 12th floor.

But now you’re like, “Hold it. You said the henchmen were on the 8th floor! What the hell, Aziz?!” Well please stop saying that. Please. It is really fucking stupid and I suggest you wait one fucking second. Because it’s like: Tell me, has Aziz ever let you down? What? No? No, he never fucking has? Oh, and you say that with each passing sunset you promise to stop and reflect just what it is that Aziz means to you? Good. Join the fucking Aziz Sunset Club already. Because Aziz is the real fucking deal, people. I have no clue how much he can bench press.

But the Uzi fucks would be just like how the audience was before that last paragraph. One of them would be all, “Hey, Aziz! You’re fucking dead! That grenade didn’t get us, so you’re no big deal at all!” And then right away he’d get crushed to death when the stairs that got blown apart fell right on top of him. Yes. Just like Aziz had planned in the first place. The other Uzi fuck would survive all of this, but he’d be so scared of Aziz by now that he’d just try to kill himself by jumping off the stairway. But right before he hit the ground Aziz would call him a pussy, and that would be the last thing that he ever heard: truth.

Aziz would go all the way up to the top floor of the penthouse and he’d kick down the door. Lying in bed, hiding under the covers like a loser, would be Anonymous, the same Anonymous who wrote:

“Aziz Ansari Vs. Timothy Leary. And Aziz is on LSD and doesn't know whats (sic) happening around him-- he thinks Leary is a beautiful golden tree nymph instead of a crazed professor with a chainsaw.”

That’s right, Anonymous. He would track you down. And Aziz would be like, “Anonymous. You wrote that question about me thinking Timothy Leary is beautiful.” Oh, Anonymous. You would fucking shake your head no because you’re a big meaty slab of coward and because you’d know that Aziz has brought you this gift of pain and it’s all wrapped up in skin and knuckles and maybe there’s this other gift, but that one is wrapped up in a glove because it was snowing outside and why the fuck would Aziz risk frostbite if he didn’t have to?

Even though Anonymous would deny having written that question, Aziz would walk over to the bed, grab him by the ankles, and hold him outside the window of the penthouse apartment. Anonymous, you’d be so terrified. If the emotion terror was a person and it could hit the gym like four times a week, eating right and taking vitamins until it became this super-toned, body-building version of terror - and I mean even to the point where it would win body-building contests around the world - and then if that terror nestled itself inside your brain, imagine how you would feel then, Anonymous. That is right. You would feel just like you would here, when Aziz would be dangling you outside of a penthouse window. Go ahead and cry, you fucking crybaby.

Aziz would pull out a vial of LSD from his pocket and he dump it all over Anonymous. It’d be like 297 milligrams poured all over Anonymous’ face. He’d freak out like crazy. Aziz would continue to hold him outside the window while Anonymous went through this total shitload of hallucinations. And you just know that in each hallucination, Anonymous would be praying so hard that the real hallucination is the fact that Aziz is holding him out of the window. And for once in his fucking life, Anonymous would have his prayers answered. Because what is so weird about Anonymous’ hallucinations is that the one constant throughout his LSD brain craze was that Aziz kept holding him out of the window. And you know why that’s weird, right? Yes, because Aziz would have dropped him like four seconds ago and Anonymous would be plummeting to his death. Aziz would say something like, “Sorry about the bad trip,” and then he’d spit out the window. The camera would follow the spit until it landed right in Anonymous’ mouth. His dead mouth.

Aziz, looking down on the corpse of Anonymous, would shake his head in disgust at the spit-mouth coward. “Ask me no stupid fucking questions, I’ll tell you no dies,” Aziz would say. Then Aziz would look at this piece of paper he’d been keeping in the secret pocket of his camouflaged hunting jacket, and he’d check off a name. That name would be Anonymous. And guess whose name the audience would see after Anonymous’? Fuck yes, it’d be Traitor Stick. Sorry, Traitor Stick, but it’s time for an Aziz reckoning.

From Anonymous’ penthouse, the camera would follow Aziz as he retraced his path of destruction to the manhole cover he originally came out of. Without a word, Aziz would don his red-tinted goggles and climb back into the sewers, covering the manhole as he descended.

Close-zoom on the manhole cover and hold for nine intense minutes. Then, as the camera would pull back from the manhole cover, it would reveal a fact that Aziz knew all along: Yes, now it’s a different manhole cover because Aziz has traveled through the sewers to a new location.

And in this location, oxygen is poisonous. Aziz, realizing this, would take a deep breath of oxygen on purpose. As the poisonous oxygen would start to work its magic on Aziz, he’d barely be able to climb out of the sewer before falling down in an action heap. No, I’m totally fucking serious. And as soon as he did, these guys in breathing masks who were too pussy to try to fight Aziz before he had the oxygen problem would come out and pick Aziz up. And then what would happen? I don’t know exactly because the next thing you know, Aziz is waking up strapped to a science laboratory table. And the audience would not even believe it because this would actually be happening. It would totally look like someone had captured Aziz by using oxygen.

But Aziz’s eyes would open and he’d wink at the chick part of the camera. Yes, it was all according to plan. His arms would burst through the table’s straps, and then fuck! he’d growl like that rabid lion Tony, and he’d pick up the table he’d been strapped to and he’d throw it right through the neck of the armed guard. Also, the table would stick into the wall so there’d just be this guard-head on top of it and a headless body underneath it. Seriously, do you know anybody else that can throw a table that hard? No. Do not kid yourself. And remember, Aziz is doing this now while holding his breath - oxygen is still poisonous at this point.

Here is the reality: this part of the Aziz adventure is particularly rewarding for longtime audience members. I mean, new viewers will be all like, “Aziz is going to die from oxygen poisoning because nobody can hold their breath forever and right now I’m also wondering what would happen if Aziz had to hold his breath in space!” Well get a clue, you fucking newbies. Because loyal audience members still spend all of their spare time cheering about how awesome it was when Aziz had to hold his breath for a long time in “Aziz vs. a Huge Robot and Oxygen Deficiency and a Black Hole.” These audience members can rest easy, knowing that for Aziz, this is like a poisonous cake walk that he can do whenever he wants.

Except instead of cake, this walk will end in the blood of his enemies.

Aziz would then calmly make a Molotov cocktail and throw it through the laboratory door. You’d hear all this screaming from the army of guards that were going to try and ambush Aziz, and you’d hear that screaming because the Molotov cocktail went off and blew up the guards and the two that didn’t blow up are on fucking fire.

Stop, drop, and roll, motherfuckers.

Yes. Roll into your graves. And you know they would too, because Aziz would walk out the door and just when the guards would beat out their flames, Aziz would pour gas on them and light them on fire all over again. It sounds ruthless, but these guards were both pedophiles.

And then, just like a video game, as soon as the guards died a door would appear in the hallway. Aziz would walk right through that door like he didn’t give a shit. There, sitting on one of those purple velvet beanbag chairs that you get at Spencer’s Gifts would be none other than Traitor Stick, the same puss who asked what Aziz would do if an imaginary floating skull followed Aziz around and insulted him. Well guess what the answer is, Traitor Stick?

I don’t have to tell you because you are about to experience it firsthand, but the answer is that Aziz would track your stank ass down and then he would fucking kick it. Fucking impertinence.

So yeah, there Traitor Stick would be, just sitting there in that beanbag chair watching Romancing the Stone or some shit, and he’d be totally surprised that Aziz Ansari had made it past the guards and made that door appear. Traitor Stick’s eyes would see the vengeance burning in Aziz’s eyes, and then Traitor Stick’s eyes would turn into crying eyes. Close up on Aziz’s eye!

Traitor stick would get up to run away, but Aziz wouldn’t have any of that shit. With a single hand, Aziz would casually push Traitor Stick back down onto the beanbag chair. Then, his steel gaze never wavering from the cowering Traitor Stick, Aziz would reach into his dusty camouflaged jacket and pull out this gross skull that he’d bought at a cemetery. “Poor Yorick,” Aziz would say, from Shakespeare, proving that he’s not only filled to the brim with action, strength, and charisma, but that he’s also got this whole other brim filled with intelligence.

Then Aziz would take a soldering iron and solder the skull directly onto Traitor Stick’s head. Traitor Stick would just sit there when it happened, paralyzed with the perfect justice of it all. Aziz would walk out of the room, but Traitor Stick would call out after him. “Hey Aziz! You failed! The skull was supposed to scream and give out disses! This skull you soldered onto my face is just hissing!”

Aziz would keep walking without looking back. The camera would be at a low level and you’d just see Aziz’s cowboy boots walking closer and closer while Traitor Stick sat far in the background. But then, still in the background, you’d see Traitor Stick realizing that the hissing was coming from a lit stick of dynamite that Aziz had put inside the skull. He’d scream, try to get the dynamite out, fail, and then he’d blow up big time. Pan up to see a wry smile on Aziz.

Two down, motherfucker.

With Traitor Stick dead, oxygen would no longer be poisonous. But Aziz still wouldn’t breathe. No way. Aziz would hold his breath for another 5 minutes, just to test himself. Because know fucking this: Aziz breathes on his own terms, not the terms of some pussy Traitor Stick.

Next on Aziz’s list? 99erickballoons. You knew it was coming, didn’t you, 99erickballoons? You knew, but there’s nothing you can do. It is as inevitable as Aziz fucking hot young girls. Pay the piper, dipshit.

Aziz would leave the building and suddenly he’d be exactly three hundred yards away from a very fearsome war elephant. Aziz would charge the elephant, his head lowered, but keeping an unwavering steely gaze on his prey. The elephant, not being fully aware of the kind of shit Aziz can fucking do, would charge Aziz.

Aziz would be running towards the war elephant at 30 yards a second and the elephant would be running towards Aziz at 16 yards a second. How long would it take before they collided? Oh please, you fuck. That is not the question to ask. Go do your fucking math in your math room. No, the question to ask is, “How can one man be so fast? He’s faster than my heart beats when I read about his thrilling adventures.” And of course the only answer to that question is: One man can be that fast because he’s Aziz Ansari. Also, you just know that if he’s running that fast it’s because he’s got a determination and ferocity that everybody thought died with the Spartans in that one movie. Well it didn’t.

Just as Aziz and the war elephant were about to collide, Aziz be all “No, I don’t think so,” and he’d jump and hurl himself vertically at the elephant. “What the fuck?” Just wait already. The elephant would open its maw in surprise, and because of Aziz’s foresight and perfect aim, the elephant would accidentally swallow Aziz whole. No. You did not just read that. Yes you fucking did.

The elephant would be surprised, but if it had feelings it would also be happy because after all it had been trained to hunt and kill Aziz. Hey, Mission Accomplished, right? No, but that is one thing it would be thinking. The other thing it would be thinking is, “I’m hungry and I’m going to return to my trainer for a food reward.”

Aziz, fucking totally unharmed, would be alive and well and waiting in that elephant’s stomach. And yes it would be cramped and smell bad, but a lot of things have cramps and smell bad. Sometimes you just have to deal. Aziz deals. That is what he does. And he does it better than anyone you know. Because if you would learn his history, you’d learn about that time when he was on a life raft in the Arctic Ocean with his band mates, and they were all starving to death. It’s like: how do you deal with you and your friends starving to death in the cold ocean when P.S. your life raft is also leaking? If you’re Aziz, you just fold your arms and say, “Band Mates, we’ve been friends a long time. A long time. We’ve made a lot of hard-rocking badass music and we never sold out to the man. So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to amputate my own leg and you’re going to fucking eat it. No, it’s okay. Do what I say, Tyrone. You need this leg more than I do. That goes for you too, Mouthblood X.” And then of course Aziz would have cut off his own leg except that he realized his band mates had already frozen to death. So then how do you deal with that? How do you deal with being cold, alone, starving, and grieving for the loss of your fellow rockers? Well, if you’re Aziz you buckle down and you get ready for a quartet meal of dead band mates, because fuck, you just proved you would have done that same shit for them. And one final question: How do you deal with the fucking primo music that forever composes itself into your brain when you know in your heart that the only people you’d ever want to play that music are long dead and even now their nutrients flow through you? How?! How? If you’re Aziz Ansari, you just fucking deal.

That’s real life and it’s not even on his Wikipedia page.

Aziz would ride around in the war elephant’s stomach and wait patiently as it lumbered towards its trainer. And it would take a long time too, because unfortunately this elephant would get all reflective. Because think about it: maybe this war elephant had a lot of bad things happen to him that led him to become a war elephant. Like maybe he accidentally killed his best friend when they were fighting over a beautiful lady elephant. Suddenly, instead of seeing himself as a cool teenage elephant who likes hay and remembering things, maybe suddenly he saw himself as Gerald the elephant murderer. It’s not like he could have gone back to his elephant family. Not with his tusks covered in elephant blood. He’d have been alone. That one act, accidental though it might have been, would have changed his entire identity. But wake the fuck up because you don’t go after Aziz, you fucking elephant. I don’t give a shit what your elephant identity is. But you did and now your elephant identity is: just another dead war elephant. You’re endangered; you should fucking know better.

And then Aziz’s hand would burst out from the belly of that fucking elephant. And yes the elephant would roar in pain, and it would be thinking like, “Mother fuck…life’s a bitch, huh? Because I’m the biggest of all land mammals, and still Aziz’s hand has torn through my insides like they weren’t made of elephant-tough intestine.” But that would be the last thought it would ever fucking elephant-think, because not even an elephant can survive a man being inside it and then punching through its insides when the man inside is Aziz and thus was never digested because Aziz never fucking can be digested. Not even mentally.

Yes. We’re back to that paragraph now.

Aziz would climb out of the dead elephant’s stomach, totally covered in guts, and proceed to rip off one of the war elephant’s tusks. This would NOT be elephant poaching because, as mentioned, the elephant had died earlier when Aziz punched through his belly. Right away, like as soon as Aziz ripped off the tusk, this guy would come up to him and offer to buy it. Wordlessly, Aziz would pretend to give the man the tusks, but then at the last second he’d use the tusks to impale him.

“But I’m not 99erickballoons!” The man would say, spewing blood everywhere. “No, but you’re a fucking elephant poacher,” Aziz would reply. “And how would you like it if I killed you just so I could remove and sell your teeth?” The poacher’s eyes would open wide with pain and understanding and it would be totally obvious that he now understood. With that final moment of clarity, the poacher would die. Once the poacher and the war elephant were dead, it would be time to take care of 99erickballoons.

Looking around, Aziz would see nothing but a dead poacher, a dead elephant, a scorching sun, and sand for miles and miles. Sound like the desert? It fucking would be. But Aziz has been in the desert before, like maybe he was there when he was searching for a secret town of serial killers and maybe he found it and he killed the whole town using nothing but a fresh elephant tusk and he didn’t even brag about it because he did it for his country not for glory. My point is that for Aziz, this desert would totally be familiar territory. He’d just would just tilt his head back and spread out his arms. “I’m gonna drink you in, sun,” Aziz would say. “But don’t even think about burning me or the next time you burn… it will be in hell.” Audience cheer.

Next thing you know, Aziz would be walking away from the camera and climbing over a sand dune. And just as he got out of sight, the camera would pan over to the dead war elephant. Slowly, like a frightened bunny, 99erickballoons would crawl out from the elephant. He’d been hiding in the elephant just like Aziz had, but elephants are big and their stomachs are dark so they didn’t see each other.

But that doesn’t mean Aziz didn’t know 99erickballoons was there, and just as 99erickballoons emerged from the elephant, he’d get hit with an arrow right through his larynx. Aziz would be extremely far away, so everyone would know that to hit 99erickballoons from that distance you would have to be like way better than Robin Hood. 99erickballoons would still be alive though, and his horrified eyes would stare down at the arrow lodged in his throat. He’d try to scream, but good luck, 99erickballoons because you’ve got an arrow lodged right smack in the middle of your coward fucking larynx. The pièce de résistance though, would be that the arrow stuck in 99erickballoon’s larynx would be ticking. If you can fucking believe it, the arrow that Aziz shot was more than just a sharp ivory missile. It was also a bomb delivery system. And now you’re like “Oh, so the arrow blows his head off? That’s awesome, but I’ve seen it before in that one movie.” No, the arrow doesn’t blow his head off. It’s not that sort of bomb. Because when the bomb went off, instead of exploding, it would release a bunch of hungry ants that would immediately devour 99erickballoon’s face. It’d look just like that scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark where that guy’s face melts, except instead hungry ants would be doing it instead of the Ark of the Covenant.

Aziz would walk up to 99erickballoon’s corpse and he’d be like, “I couldn’t fucking see you in that elephant’s stomach, 99erickballoons, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t smell your stink. You asked me how I’d be if I was depressed and didn’t know if my dog truly loves me. News flash, you douche: I don’t get depressed because guess what: I’m Aziz Ansari!” And then Aziz would shake his fist and scream at 99erickballoons, but we wouldn’t hear what he said because it’d be like that scene at the end of Lost in Translation.

After he was done shouting mysteriously at the corpse of 99erickballoons, Aziz would bite his own tongue, taste his own blood, and go into a mother fucking berserker rage. Yes. Berserker Like old school Norse Vikings. Let that sink in for a minute because you know what? You don’t want to fuck with Aziz Ansari even after he’s taken two fistfuls of Lunesta, which he only does so he can enter a dreamless sleep, one where he’s not plagued by nightmares of Eswelda and how he had to choose between saving her and saving a school bus, and God’s face is in our children so he saved the school bus even though P.S. Eswelda had a smoking hot bod. And if you don’t want to fuck with Lunesta Aziz, you had better fucking step aside when you see berserker rage Aziz. Because then you know shit is about to go down. Aziz would raise his hands like they were claws, start growling, and then run through the desert with his hands like that. There’d be this fire in his eyes that would burn with rage and hot peppers and a thousand suns.

Sometime later, berserker Aziz Ansari would run out of the desert to find his last target, Nycteve. Make no mistake, Aziz would be exactly as berserker as before, maybe even more so because he’d have lost his voice by this time from screaming so much and that’s something that would only make him more angry. The audience would almost have to feel sorry for Nycteve. But then they’d remember that Nycteve wrote in wanting to know how Aziz would take it if he moved to New York and they’d get over it. He’d take it just fine, motherfucker!

The screen would go dark for a full minute and when it would come back berserker Aziz Ansari would be getting off a plane in LaGuardia airport. He’d be back in New York City. It’s where this incredible and legendary journey began, and it’s also where Aziz fucking moved to a long fucking time ago, you fucking Nycteve. But do you think he’s just come to New York all berserkified to go home and take a rest and go beddy-bye? You probably do, don’t you Nycteve? Son of a bitch. Well that is like the exact opposite of what he’d do. Take a fucking lesson on opposites.

Four months later:

Aziz had found Nycteve and secretly tracked him like a berserker owl tracks a pussy mouse. Aziz would have learned Nycteve’s daily routines to the point where he would know exactly where Nycteve would go way the fuck before Nycteve would. Nycteve would be in Queens, out for his monthly stroll in Flushing Meadows. Waiting and watching from the shadows would be Aziz, shirtless and covered in war paint. He’d have been in berserker mode for over 4 months now, and every day he’d be pushing the very limits of rage and human endurance. For instance, one of the nights where he was waiting for Nycteve, Aziz would have punched through a tree using only his bare hand. And maybe it wouldn’t be environmentally PC to lay waste to a tree like that, but fuck you because after Aziz punched through the tree he’d chop it up and made a canoe for a children’s camp, even though his hand was covered in splinters the entire time. Canoes don’t even use gasoline, you fucking dick; they’re environmentally friendly. That kind of topical awareness is fucking trademark Aziz.

Nycteve would walk through the park without a care in the world, confident that he had successfully asked Aziz a dumb question without Aziz retaliating in anyway. “Heh,” Nycteve would say, nasally, like a prick who’s about to get what’s coming to him. And then he’d trip over this laser trip-wire that Aziz had set up and both of Nycteve’s feet would get cut off neatly at the ankle. So there he’d be, footless and crying and unable to move. See, if Nycteve really knew Aziz, first of all he wouldn’t asked how Aziz would take moving to New York. Second of all, he’d use Aziz for inspiration. Because if Aziz had his feet lasered off, do you think he’d just sit there in Flushing Meadows and weep like a little bitch? Or do you think he would have picked himself up and walked on his hands and/or bloody leg stumps without even grimacing? Answer: Neither because the question is irrelevant because ain’t no way Aziz would get his feet lasered off.

Nycteve would keep crying, but then he’d look up and he’d realize that the laser trip-wire not only cut off his feet, but it also released the park’s big Unisphere Earth sculpture. The Unisphere would be rolling directly towards Nycteve, and the best part is that Nycteve’s feet would be all cut off and Nycteve couldn’t run away! You need feet to run, you fuck! Justice, as personified by Aziz using the Unisphere as a weapon, would be inevitable. Except that it wouldn’t be inevitable because right before the Unisphere crushed Nycteve, Aziz would step in front of the sculpture and hoist it onto his back, letting out a triumphant roar. This event would later cause Aziz to suffer back problems that he’d have to live with for the rest of his life. But would these back problems make Aziz weaker? No. No they fucking wouldn’t. They’d make him stronger because Aziz would become determined to prove to back sufferers everywhere that even people with bad backs can still save the world if they are Aziz Ansari.

Aziz would look at the crybaby Nycteve and be like, “Tell me why I saved you and I’ll let you live.”

Nycteve would quiver and try to think of the right answer before saying, “Because you’re tired of killing?”

Aziz would smile and say, “No. I saved you because I wanted you to spread the message. If you fucking patronize me, I will fucking kill you. I wanted you to spread the word. But you answered wrong and that can’t happen. Eat some fucking Unisphere!” And with that, Aziz slowly walk over to Nycteve and step on him. The weight of Aziz carrying the Unisphere would crush Nycteve to death. “Hey Nycteve. Valley of ashes to ashes. Dust to fuckin’ dust.” Aziz would say, appropriately referencing some book I had to read in High School.

As Aziz returned the Unisphere to its resting place, New Yorkers would stop and stare at the man carrying the world on his shoulders.

Aziz would look at them all and say, “This is what I do. I do this every fucking day of my life.”

The New Yorkers would cheer like crazy. The camera would slowly rise and reveal a birds eye view of Flushing Meadows and then the city. Then Cherub Rock would start up just before the screen went black and the credits rolled.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Aziz Vs. Solitary Confinement

Fuck. Aziz is in jail still. You thought I was going to forget about that? No. Of course Aziz is still in jail. I mean, do you think Aziz got time off for good behavior? That is unlikely because how can he when the corrupt jail warden keeps placing obstacles in his way that make him break necks and also break the faces? And please. That is only the exposition I am telling you about.

Also, the only reason Aziz allowed himself to go to jail in the first place was on purpose, because he wanted to because he found out the jail warden has been putting bad dope on the street and it's killing innocent kids who have fallen by the proverbial wayside. Yes it's sad, but what is even more sad is that they shouldn't be doing dope in the first place. Not if they want to be like Aziz, and come on, everybody does. So Aziz is really mad about that bad dope thing. And I assure you, you fucking don't want to mess with an angry Aziz. No. I mean, remember that one time Aziz was thinking about the starving children and he got angry and he burned that school down? He is extreme. So obviously the corrupt warden is biting off more than he can chew here because with that metaphor he is trying to chew Aziz.

But you know what the ridiculous part is? It is this: The jail warden thinks he can punish Aziz by putting him in solitary confinement. Come on you fucking warden! What are you a dipshit or something? Yes I think you are. Aziz is not scared of being alone! Aziz's muscles and hero choices have long since forced him to walk that lonely, dusty road, the road of solitude, the road where the wind blows through his (freshly dyed) amber hair and he stands at the edge of the road which is on a cliff, and while standing he also gazes over the Atlantic ocean. "So, this is the life I've chosen." he says. "Fuck. I wouldn't change a thing!" And then he gets on his Harley hog motorcycle that was waiting for him and he cruises down that lonely road without a helmet metaphorically.

So yeah, man, solitary confinement is business-as-usual for Aziz Ansari, a man who has sacrificed his desperate need to love for his also desperate need to kill villains that have like katana swords instead of arms or something. Besides, it's not like Aziz doesn't still get to fuck smoking hot girls that sometimes mud wrestle with other hot girls. In fact, that is all he does.

That is all he does when he is not saving your ass.

Picture Aziz in a cold and dark cell, a cell where it is so quiet it's like outer space and the only sound is that of Aziz counting off the pushups he's doing with only one hand and he's up to like 400 and that is a lot to do, especially if you missed breakfast. One reason you could miss breakfast is because some mind-tard corrupt warden filled your oatmeal with sulfuric acid so he could kill you. I mean, that's not what happened to Aziz. Not today, anyway. I am implying that it has happened before. But today, today Aziz had his fucking breakfast. So do you think he is done doing the one-handed pushups, even though he is up to 400, come on, 400? Nooo. He is not! He is still doing them!

It is 9:58 in the morning. It's dark and it's black and it's lonely. Days blend together, as each one is a mirror image of the one before. Yes, in solitary confinement, it's easy to lose track of time. For some reason though, Aziz is really good at it and he knows exactly what time it is even though he doesn't have a watch or a cell phone or anything. So when the knock on the door comes, Aziz, still doing pushups, is like, "You're two minutes early, you fucking corrupt warden. Fuck you and let me finish my pushups here. Who knows when that will be because seriously." And the corrupt warden is all like, "Fuck me? Me?! No, Aziz. Fuck you. Because you are locked up in a cell so now you are not dangerous at all to me. I can say and do whatever I want and I want to deal bad dope but anyways I do not have to worry about you hurting me."

So here is an optional quiz to see what you have learned:

Question 1: Is the corrupt warden correct?

Please choose one of the following options.

A. Oh yes he is so correct. And you know, I am really positive about this because I am a fucking waste of space and I have learned nothing from previous Aziz documentariums. Hey by the by, while I've got you here, will somebody please fucking disembowel me because for Pete's fucking sake! I mean: Shit!"

B. No he is not fucking correct are you kidding me? Because even as the corrupt warden is speaking, Aziz's friend the little orphan Joey would be wrapping piano wire around the corrupt warden's neck to strangle him. And FYI Little Joey found out about the bad dope in the first place and he's the one that clued Aziz in on the corrupt warden's plan and yes, the travesty of kid deaths that his plan has entailed. You know, it sure is a good thing Aziz saved little Joey from Mutant Island. Hmmm…maybe he planned it that way all along. Not maybe. Fuck. Yes. He did.

C. No he is not fucking correct are you kidding me? I mean: Shit!

D. No he is not fucking correct are you kidding me? Because Aziz is going to stand next to the solitary confinement door and give it this super powerful kick and it is going to fly off the hinges and crush the corrupt warden so that he looks like he is two-dimensional. It would also be funny if it were not real life but it is so it is therefore horrifying and grotesque and maybe some children in the audience are scarred for life. The sudden change of air pressure from the door's removal would likely pop Aziz's ears and for a moment he would not be able to hear the rousing cheer of the reformed inmates. He would nod to the prisoners, but some of them would be like, "Hey Aziz, now that you've killed the corrupt warden, do you think maybe you could let me out?" Aziz would get angry at their selfishness. "You fuckers. Do you know how many children I just saved by killing the corrupt warden? A: Millions. But just because he's two-dimensional now does not mean you get out of jail. I put most of you shit heels in here. You're going to stay in here until you've learned your fucking lesson. However, there is one person in here who is innocent. His name is Richard Fonlane, and he is the father of my good friend who appreciates me. Richard? It's time to go, buddy." And then they'd go, the prisoners would cheer, and Richard's son would be very glad to finally see him.

E. No he is not fucking correct are you kidding me? Because when the corrupt warden tries to push Aziz's lunch through the slot (and P.S. maybe this time the lunch has sulfuric acid in it [it does not, but how could Aziz even know that yet? Answer: come on, you fuck - through his acute sense of smell]), Aziz is going to grab the corrupt warden's hand and suddenly pull it towards him as hard as he can. The corrupt warden's head will hit the cell door so hard that not only will it leave a cartoon-like imprint on the door, but it will also knock the door off of its hinges. I mean, why do you think Aziz was doing so many one-handed push-ups? Come on it is so obvious. He was doing it so he could pull the corrupt warden so hard into the door that he would knock the door off the hinges. As a side note, the impact would not quite kill the corrupt warden, but he would be severely brain damaged. The corrupt warden's 18 year-old daughter would go on record saying that her father isn't her father anymore. It would be cruel of her, but she'd be like, "Where's dad? This man is not him because he drools a lot and just watches cartoons all day. What the fuck happened to my daddy?" Well Aziz happened, that is what. Shut up, you bitch.

F. No he is not fucking correct are you kidding me? Aziz is only captive because he wants to be captive. Aziz has like three molars in his mouth that are made entirely out of C4 explosives. He keeps these molars in his mouth at all times. It is for doors. It is also for if the super enemy has somehow captured Aziz and he wants to blow off his own head so he can kill Commodore Ravensteel, a man only rumored to exist. So yes. Obviously, Aziz would wrench one of these molars from his mouth, set it at the door, and make it go off somehow. For Aziz, the force of the explosion would be like that of a lover's breath and the lover would be Miss Entire Universe. But for the corrupt warden, the force of the explosion would rock his body so hard that his bones would be reduced to smithereens. Yes. Fucking smithereens. Aziz would stand over his shattered body and go like, "Maybe if you hadn't been selling bad dope, you could've had more time to drink milk and get strong bones. Because therein lies the irony. You look like fucking jello." Later, Rose, the corrupt warden's 18 year-old daughter, would be told about what happened to her father's bones and all while she was playing in her high school's state tournament soccer game. The emotional blow would crush her, and she'd never be able to play soccer again. In fact, she'd spend the rest of her life unable to kick anything, including her lost-daddy heroin habit, a habit which would kill her in only three years.

G. No he is not fucking correct are you kidding me? Because while the corrupt warden would stand there acting like such a dickweed and it's way easier for him to be a dickweed when there's a reinforced steel door between him and Aziz, Aziz would come up from behind him and kick him in the spine. He would involuntarily fold backwards in half and probably die right there. How did Aziz get out from the cell and sneak up behind the corrupt warden? That part is not covered so I don't know. However, what is covered is how the corrupt warden's 18 year-old daughter's grades would slip after she learned of the tragic event. At first she would be like, "I am not going to devote time to school. I am going to devote time to killing Aziz." However, as she researched her father's death she would learn about how her father had been killing her very friends with all the bad dope he'd been selling. "Aziz. Aziz, I understand now," she'd say, moments before she came to Aziz's bed and he made her a woman by fucking her.

H. No he is not fucking correct are you kidding me? The corrupt warden thinks he's so cool, but he's really not. He's got people standing by to try to shoot Aziz and he's about to tell Aziz that he's free, but his plan is that when the he opens the door, the people with guns will try to kill Aziz full of lead. Good luck with that plan, you corrupt warden, you fuck. That would not work even if Aziz hadn't had his fucking remote control super tank come crashing through the prison, running over everyone in its path, especially the warden. And then once Aziz leaves the room, there's the warden and his mouth is bloody and he's like, "But you don't even have a remote control!" And Aziz would be like "Yes I do. In here," and then he'd point to his head. The corrupt warden's last words would be "Aziz…Aziz…tell Rose her daddy said he loves her and that he's proud of her. She is my 18 year-old daughter." But the corrupt warden has killed so many kids with his bad dope that Aziz wouldn't want to do that. Months would pass, and everyday, in between saving people and fucking chicks, Aziz would think about the message he had for Rose. But then one day it would be too much. He'd walk over to Rose's house and he'd maybe be limping from gunshot wounds that believe me, there is a story behind, and he'd ring her doorbell. Rose would open the door and it'd be clear she was girl-crying. Her tears would be all over her shirt and maybe the wetness would outline her nipples. "You're Aziz! You're the man who killed my father with a mind tank! I fucking hate you!" she'd say. But Aziz doesn't fucking care if some bitch hates him. He wouldn't even flinch. He'd just go, "Yes. I am. Your daddy was selling bad dope, Rose. But before he died he wanted you to know that he loves you and that he's proud of you." And Rose would cry and know that Aziz is too tough to need to lie to her. She'd thank Aziz, and Aziz would leave. But he wouldn't be going to the hospital even though he has those gunshot wounds.

I. No he is not fucking correct are you kidding me? Because Aziz would fucking not even be in solitary confinement if he didn't want to be there. So the corrupt warden would be saying all this shit talk and then the camera goes to Aziz's face, right? And he's smiling. He's fucking smiling! It's like: What does he have to be so happy about! He's in solitary confinement! And then it's like: Oh wait a fucking minute here - He is Aziz! And sure enough, he would be Aziz, because all of a sudden he'd interrupt the corrupt warden and say something like, "Hey corrupt warden! Did you enjoy your breakfast this morning?" and the corrupt warden would be like, "Well yeah, I did. It is weird you are asking because it was my favorite meal. I ate the whole thing." And Aziz would go all, "I'm glad to hear that, corrupt warden. There was a secret ingredient in it." "And the corrupt warden's eyes would widen and his mouth was drop. You see, realization is dawning on him like how the sun dawns each morning. The secret ingredient was the exact same bad dope that he'd been selling to kids! His face would turn blue, and he'd crumple to the floor. As he fell, the jail keys would slip through the slot in the door. Aziz would let himself out, look down on the corrupt warden's fresh corpse, and take his wallet. Inside, he'd see a picture of Rose, the corrupt warden's 18 year-old daughter. "She's gonna take this hard," Aziz would say. "I fucking hate this part of my job." Rather than visiting Rose, for the next 10 years Aziz would send her an anonymous letter once a week that contained money for college and a note that said only, "Somebody cares about you." Rose would take the money, but eventually she would wonder who her mysterious benefactor was. After searching and searching, she would be horrified to learn that yes, it was Aziz, the very same super fighter who killed her father. She'd go confront him, but Aziz would be like, "Hey Rose. Why don't you do some more fucking research and show some fucking gratitude? Your dad was a drug dealer and he killed a lot of kids. I didn't have to do shit for you. I only did because even though I am super tough, I am also tender and compassionate when it doesn't interfere with stopping injustice." Rose would probably start crying or something from the truth of it all.

J. No he is not fucking correct are you kidding me? You see, solitary confinement, AKA "solo" is also AKA as "The mindbreaker." Because it breaks your mind. Is your mind broken because come on I haven't even told you this yet: This: Aziz was never even in solitary confinement! The entire conversation between Aziz and corrupt warden is a figment of the corrupt warden's fractured brain! In reality, the corrupt warden is in a prison mentality ward and he's talking to himself all crazy-like while his 18 year-old daughter Rose looks over him with a face filled with worry. Yes, her dad brought it on his own fucking self, and yes he fucking deserves what he got, but for Rose, she still loves him. She can't help it! She remembers the corrupt warden picking her up from soccer games and taking her out to ice cream. She remembers how proud he was when she came down the stairs, all made-up for her first high-school dance, and she remembers him being there for her when Willis, her first love, broke her heart by fucking her sister. Yes, her daddy was selling bad dope and killing kids. But he never sold the love he had for Rose. Fuck. That was never for sale. Never. Also, Aziz was the one who put him in prison mentality.

K. No he is not fucking correct are you kidding me? Because come on, Aziz is relentless. The corrupt warden would be talking and then all of a sudden Aziz would be like, "I'm going to start punching this door, corrupt warden. I'm going to start punching today and one day I'm going to fucking punch right through this door. And you know, it's going to be sooner rather than later because I guess I should tell you, I've been doing a lot of pushups lately. If you let me out now, maybe I'll let you live. Because if I have to punch all the way through, I guarantee you, you're as good as dead." And the warden would be like, "I hear how serious you are and I know you could do it because hey, I have seen your all of the documentafilms you have been in. I mean, are they for real?" And Aziz would be like, "As real as it gets, man. Veritas." So then the warden would open the door for Aziz and then Aziz would kick him through the lungs, killing him. "I thought you said you'd let me live!" corrupt warden would say, right before he died. "Well I fucking lied!" Aziz would shout.

L. No he is not fucking correct are you kidding me? I mean, I don't know how Aziz is going to get out of solitary confinement, but I do know this: Oh yes. He fucking will. And plus, everyone who stands in the way of Aziz during his death march towards the corrupt warden will be like, "Oh, so that's what ICU stands for. I always wondered and now I am experiencing it." And yes, when I say everyone, I'm including even Rose, the corrupt warden's 18 year-old daughter. Listen to me Rose: He will only break your heart. Do not get in his way. As strong as your love would be, this man is meant for greater things. And plus let us be real because you are only a C cup. They are beautiful C's, Rose, but if Aziz has a choice between beautiful C's and beautiful D's (and he always does, Rose. He is Aziz.) your beautiful C's will get kicked to the curb every time.

M. No he is not fucking correct are you kidding me? Because even as the corrupt warden is standing outside, Aziz is like right above his head, slithering naked through the ventilation shaft like a sweaty king cobra. Can you fucking believe that?! Yes, it is fucking amazing. But it is not like he is planning on just escaping the prison. Why would he even do that when the corrupt warden is standing right outside the cell that once held Aziz, standing there with a dead kid in his hand, a kid who was yet another fucking victim of the bad dope the corrupt warden is selling? Yes! The corrupt warden knows it is bad dope! And yes he is still selling it! It is this extra kind of evil that increases Aziz's wrath that to the point that, like Fantasia, it has no boundaries. Aziz would punch through the ventilation shaft, land on the corrupt warden and put him in a fucking sleeper hold. The corrupt warden would wake up in a mid-size wooden row boat, adrift in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The only food would be placed right in the middle of the boat. But at the other end, there would be a fucking man-eating jungle panther. The corrupt warden would want the food so bad because he is fat and he is also greedy, but on the other hand he would be scared out of his mind because maybe the jungle panther is wearing a collar necklace made out of fingers from each human it has eaten. Of course, the food would be poisoned with bad dope, so even if the corrupt warden got to it without being jungle-mauled he would still die from his own poison like Laertes. I choose option M because not only does Aziz get to punish corrupt warden, he also saves the world from a man-eating jungle panther.

N. No he is not fucking correct are you kidding me? Because, I don't know, Aziz uses some fucking samurai sword or something. He kills that corrupt warden guy.

O. No he is not fucking correct are you kidding me? Aziz has long since unlocked the door of his cell, so corrupt warden is playing with a hot, spicy fire that is already very mad at him. I mean, corrupt warden is just standing there and gloating and talking and being all smug like he's the king of smart, all just because he went to Yale. Well I have news for you, corrupt warden, you fat fucking poindexter: they teach you things at community college too. You do not need to go to Yale to get an education! I mean, Yale? Nobody fucking cares, corrupt warden. Nobody cares. Aziz would open the cell door, grab a hold of corrupt warden's legs, and swing him fiercely against the concrete wall. "Today's lesson: How to die when you piss me off," Aziz would say. "Course over. You graduated. Here's your fucking diploma." And for the diploma, Aziz would hurl the cell's toilet paper on the corrupt warden's body. That night, Rose, the corrupt warden's 18 year-old daughter, would attempt to visit Aziz in jail. She'd been thinking of him for days. "So this is love," she'd think, "this is what I've seen in movies and TV. Finally, it is happening to me. Yes, it feels so wonderful!" You see, she'd been coming to Aziz's cell for the last few days and he'd been fucking her. "Don't get too close," Aziz had said, "I don't fucking care about you." Rose had said she'd understood, but no…she had fallen in love. She hadn't understood. But when she came to visit Aziz that night, it was all too clear that Aziz had left her and killed her dad and then covered him in a TP diploma.

P. No he is not fucking correct are you kidding me? He'd be talking to Aziz and Aziz would be all, "Fuck, corrupt warden! I'm dying! I think my appendix burst or something! I need…I need medical attention STAT. Normally corrupt warden would not fall for such a ruse, but he is fucking stupid so this time he did, just as Aziz expected. Corrupt warden would open the door to finish Aziz off, but Aziz would be standing there smiling, his arms calmly folded across his chest. The audience would be relieved because yes, they knew he was lying, but just the idea of Aziz's appendix being in trouble is really almost too much to take. Aziz would scary-whisper to the warden "Oh. Wait. It wasn't my appendix that burst. It was yours." And then Aziz would punch the ground just right so that the fucking vibrations man, the fucking vibrations of his punch would hit the corrupt warden's appendix just right and cause it to burst. It is a very painful way to die, having a burst appendix. And Aziz was able to kill corrupt warden without even touching him. Tommy Rogue, a rookie detective, would later investigate corrupt warden's death. While the rest of the police force ruled corrupt warden's death accidental, for him, something didn't quite fit. "Yes, I am suspicious," Tommy Rogue would think, "Because how can corrupt warden's appendix just burst for no reason? That is like: come on! And why is there this huge fucking crack in the floor of the solitary confinement cell? Maybe somebody punched the crack there even though it is made out of reinforced concrete!" Eventually, Tommy Rogue would question Aziz. "Yeah I fucking did it," Aziz would say. "He was killing our fucking children. His appendix had to be destroyed." Tommy Rogue would understand and there'd be this scene where the corrupt warden's case file would be closed as it got a "Naturally Burst Appendix" stamp. And Tommy Rogue would learn the lesson that sometimes you've got to break the law to keep the law. Cut to Aziz nodding knowingly.

Q. No he is not fucking correct are you fucking kidding me? Because Aziz still has his watch. Oh yes, and they should have fucking taken his watch. Yes, if you are too fucking stupid to not have guessed by now, Aziz's watch has this like laser thing where when you pull it out it's kind of like that one guy's laser-thumb in the 1995 action-classic Johnny Mnemonic. Yes. It is like a floss-sized lightsaber and it can cut through things, even steel doors, even cell doors. So of course while Corrupt Warden is standing there talking shit and such, Aziz would put his laser thing through the door and cut out his own exact body shape. It would outline him perfectly. And seriously, let me tell you what is so fucking impressive about that because I know you don't fucking know. You see, at this point, Aziz has been in solitary confinement for a while - he's lost a lot of weight. And of course there aren't any mirrors or anything in the cell; so really, it is super impressive that Aziz knows his body well enough to cut such an exact image of himself. So yes, while he is cutting out this perfect Aziz piece, Corrupt Warden is just standing there like, "A horror is about to be unleashed on me, a horror that belittles other horrors like Freddy Kruger and the worms from Tremors 2. It belittles them because Aziz is REAL LIFE!" Corrupt Warden would be paralyzed with fear, and when Aziz would step through his body cut-out, Corrupt Warden would beg and plead to see movies like Tremors 2 and Nightmare on Elm Street. Why? Because they are comforting movies when compared to Aziz when he is mad at you. Do you hear that?! Classic horror screen gems are like baby-chick movies when compared to the real-life scenario Corrupt Warden is currently faced with! So yes, Aziz would probably kill him by watch-sabering his head off or something.

R. No he is not fucking correct are you kidding me? Because just then Corrupt Warden would feel this sting on his ankle. "What…what have you done to me?!" he would ask, and from the trembling fear in his voice everyone would know, like right away, that when Corrupt Warden goes to a bar he doesn't drink whiskey he sips fuzzy navels or choco-latte martini's. But now you have been hit with a poison dart, Corrupt Warden! You are in a man's world now! Well, Corrupt Warden? When you play with fire etc! Aziz would be like, "Corrupt Warden, that sting you felt is a poison fucking dart. I hit you with it through this food slot. So here is what you're going to do, you choco-latte fuck. You are going to let me out of here within the next three seconds or you will die from the arsenic poison I laced on the dart. Normally there is no antidote from arsenic but yes, I made one. You see, Corrupt Warden, I have a unique knowledge of poisons because of how all the time my enemies try to kill me with it. Listen to me: if you want the antidote, you are going to have to open this fucking door right now!" Except Aziz would capitalize the words "right now" so that you knew he was yelling them. Corrupt Warden would be terrified and he'd be like, "Aziz! You have to save me! It's already killing me! It's making my eyes water!" And Azis would just go, "No, you sissy fuck. You are just crying because you are so scared. Arsenic doesn't even make you cry." Then Corrupt Warden would keep crying and open the cell door. "Okay! I opened the door! Give me the antidote to arsenic!" he would say. But Aziz would just be like, "I didn't say I'd give it to you. I said I had it. Come try and take it from me, you kid-killing cocksucker." And Corrupt Warden would try, but Aziz would be too fast. It'd be this life-or-death game of keep away, with Corrupt Warden trying to chase Aziz. Aziz would hold the antidote over his head and keep it just out of reach. "So close, Corrupt Warden!" Aziz would say, after Corrupt Warden would come so close to getting the antidote. But soon Corrupt Warden would no longer be able to chase after Aziz. Because the arsenic poisoning would kill him.

S. No he is not fucking correct are you kidding me? Because through the cell door Aziz would be like, "Corrupt Warden, right at this instant there is an air strike that can fucking bring the shit whenever I want. An air strike. Do you know what that means, Corrupt Warden?" And Corrupt Warden would be like, "Yes. I am not stupid. It means that there are airplanes above my head with like napalm or something that could incinerate my body with a forever burn that I would feel even as my spirit left the material plane." But Aziz would just go, "No it fucking doesn't. It means I strike you from the air!" And with that, the camera would cut to Aziz crashing through the glass ceiling above Corrupt Warden's head. Aziz and the glass would fall in slow motion, but when the glass would hit the ground we would still hear the glass-tinkling at normal sound speed. Still in extreme slow motion, Aziz would land gracefully like a fucking swan. When he'd finish standing up, he'd be just a whore's breath away from Corrupt Warden. Aziz would glare at Corrupt Warden and whisper "When you get to hell, let 'em know who sent you. Let 'em know I'm coming. And tell 'em that when I die, I've got plans for them too. I'm going to fucking tear Ted Bundy's ethereal heart out." Corrupt Warden would be crying because hey, this is it. You don't fucking lock Aziz up, you don't sell bad dope to kids and live. Aziz would thrust his hands outwards and Corrupt Warden would scream, just like a fuck. But wait! Aziz didn't even touch him! No, he is just holding his arms outstretched on either side of Corrupt Warden's head. "He didn't kill me," Corrupt Warden would think! "Maybe me and Aziz can be friends after all!" But then Aziz would clap his hands together and explode Corrupt Warden's head like Gallagher explodes watermelons.

T. No he is not fucking correct are you kidding me? Because Aziz would be like, "Whatever. I am keeping occupied in solitary confinement because there are kids here and I am selling dope to all of them." But Aziz would be lying. He would never sell dope to kids unless it was for medical reasons. If he sold dope to kids he would have to go out and find himself and blow himself up. And hey, that would be so easy for him because come on it is documented that Aziz can kill 900 Aziz's at once. So yeah, one Aziz is like nothing to him. It is as easy for him as killing a pesky octuple black belt. But Corrupt Warden would not know he is lying because maybe earlier he was having margaritas at home and so he's a little out of sorts because one thing I didn't tell you: this: All of this is happening on Cinco de Mayo. He would be drunk and like, "You are selling dope to kids? You are stealing my business!" He would open the door and would be shocked to see that not only is Aziz not selling dope to kids, but there were never any kids in solitary confinement in the first place. "I have played you for a fool!" Aziz would shout. And then he would go straight the fuck into John Wayne Gacy stance and he would fucking murder Corrupt Warden. People everywhere would cheer Corrupt Warden's death. But someone somewhere would not cheer when she found out. No. One person would be crying at home, inconsolable, wondering who's going to take her to the zoo every year on her birthday. That someone would be Rose, Corrupt Warden's 18-year-old daughter. Yes. She is back.

U. No he is not fucking correct are you kidding me? Because right when Corrupt Warden would be standing outside the solitary confinement door, Aziz's hands would surprise the shit out of you by bursting up through the concrete floor and grabbing a hold of Corrupt Warden's ankles. And you know, there are plenty of movies where hands reach through from the floor, but most of the time it is like in Carrie or Thriller, and in those movies the hand reaches up from a freshly dug grave so you know that the person isn't really dead because in reality the person was buried alive. But this is better here because Aziz would be reaching through concrete. Come on: there is no comparing dirt and concrete. Concrete is much tougher. That is why people drive on it. That is why people try to break blocks of it with karate moves. So anyway picture concrete dust littering the air. For a good minute or two, Aziz's hand's would have hold of Corrupt Warden's ankles, and there'd just be Corrupt Warden screaming so loud and so high that the audience say, "You know, even if Aziz lets him go right now, even if he does, Corrupt Warden's lost it. That man has lost his mind. And what mind would not be shattered, would not be split in twain's twain, after the horror I have just witnessed? Because: hands bursting through concrete and grabbing you like you are as good as dead? That is worse than the nightmare I had!" And yes, the audience would be right. Their nightmares are a fuck pile of diseased horseshit compared to Corrupt Warden's future. And get this: Aziz would then proceed to pull Corrupt Warden down into the darkness, right through the concrete! The camera would stay above ground and focus on the black pit that had consumed Corrupt Warden. Silence. Silence for maybe five minutes. Finally, the audience would hear Corrupt Warden going, "Ugh, where am I? I think I hit my head on something! And… oh God! My leg! It is so, so broken!" And then Aziz would speak. "Corrupt Warden, you stand trial for the murder of a lot of kids. How do you plead?" The camera would remain focusing on the hole, but now with an intensity that would blow your fucking heart. Corrupt Warden would go, "I plead I am not guilty! I am not guilty because I didn't know it was bad dope!" But Aziz would danger-whisper, "Then how the shit did you know how you killed them?!" I didn't say word fucking one about bad dope! I pronounce you guilty." The audience still wouldn't be able to see anything other than the blackness of the hole of the concrete, but that just adds to the flavor of tension. It would be more riveting than the car chase. Rising from the hole, the audience would hear this "Ow, my leg! My fucking leg!" and they'd know the guilty Corrupt Warden was trying to crawl away from Aziz, his judge and executioner. But all of a sudden from the ceiling a rope would fall into the hole. The camera would pan up and slithering down the rope would be Rose, Corrupt Warden's 18-year-old daughter. That is totally shocking. She would go down the hole and again, the audience would only be able to hear what is happening. In this sense, the action is happening off-screen which makes the docufilmography Hitchcockian. The audience would hear Rose say, "Aziz! Aziz thank you for what you have done. It was very heroic. I will have sex with you in a minute. But this is my job. Corrupt Warden is my father." Aziz would be like, "Okay." And then we'd hear Corrupt Warden be like, "No! Not you, Rose! You're my daughter! You are 18!" And then there'd be this begging for mercy sound and then it would be quiet. The quietness would make it crystal fucking clear that Rose had killed her father with a butterfly knife because of the bad dope or something. The camera would remain on the hole. Maybe Rose is crying? Maybe she is sad she had to kill her father? The audience does not know. It is for them to imagine. It is for them to write that part of the story. It would remain quiet for awhile, but then the quiet would be interrupted by sounds of hot fucking because Rose and Aziz would be going at it.

V. No he is not fucking correct are you kidding me? Because cut to three years later, when Aziz is at a seedy bar drinking whiskey and he's got his own bottle he brought that is stronger than the whiskey the bar sells. And there's like this drunk guy sitting on the stool next to him and he's like, "So Corrupt Warden put you in solitary confinement? That is so crazy how'd you get out?" And Aziz would reach into his bomber jacket pocket and pull out a human heart. He'd pull out a human heart and it'd be black and maybe there'd be maggots all over it so the audience would like know, right away, it must be Corrupt Warden's heart because you have to have a maggoty heart to kill our junkie children. The drunk guy would just stare at it, his eyes almost popping out of their sockets. Aziz would be like, "Come on, dipshit. How the fuck do you think I got out? I ripped his fucking heart out. Notice the maggots." The drunk guy would gasp because yes, Aziz, the man who was sitting next to him really was as tough a hero as everybody says, and then the drunk guy would quickly down two vodka shots in a row before collapsing on the floor and passing out. Aziz would put the heart back in his pocket, and take this really intimidating swig of the strong whiskey. Then he'd kick the drunk guy because that's why he was in the bar in the first place to punish the drunk guy because once the drunk guy hit his wife. It would be then that Rose, Corrupt Warden's now 20-year-old daughter, would come out of the girl bathroom and come over to Aziz. "Are you ready?" she'd ask. Aziz would look at her and go, "Yes I am Rose. We will go home now and I will fuck you." They would go home and he would do just that, but when Rose would wake up the next morning, Aziz would be gone. "He's gone forever," she would cry. "He probably is on a secret mission and on a submarine with nuclear capabilities." Good fucking call, Rose. He probably is.

W. No he is not fucking correct are you kidding me? Because Aziz would just go, "Hey Corrupt Warden! Why don't you fucking shut your mouth?" And Corrupt Warden would just be like, "Hey! Well… why should I?" And there'd be this silence at first, and then Aziz would say, "Well, it seems like the right move if you want Rose, your 18-year-old daughter to live. I've got her in here, and I'm holding a bowie knife to her throat. I won the knife in a game of Russian Roulette. It was very dangerous. I wasn't playing for the bowie knife though. I was playing for the thrill. Yes, I get thrills playing Russian Roulette, a game where I could die." And I mean, Corrupt Warden would freak out right there, because, yes he is heartless and doesn't care if other kids die because of his bad dope, but come on it is another thing all together when the kid who could be dying is Rose, the only good thing Corrupt Warden has left in this world other than drug money. He'd go, "No, Aziz! I fucking beg of you! She is my Rose! She is my daughter!" And then he'd open the door to solitary confinement. He'd be like oh fuck, because it'd be just like Aziz said. It'd be Aziz standing there, with a bowie knife that he obviously won in a Russian Roulette tournament, and it's be held right at Rose's neck. Now you, the stupid audience, you're probably all, "He's going to kill Rose? Oh but she is so innocent! It is not her fault and Aziz shouldn't kill a girl who hasn't done anything except have perfect C-cup breasts." Shut the fuck up. Man, that is such fuck thinking! I mean, who are you to understand Aziz, anyway? What is the life of one 18-year-old class valedictorian and captain of the girl's soccer team if her death means that Aziz can save a whole bunch of other kids from Corrupt Warden's killer bad dope? You know what? I will tell you what her death is. Her death is the following: It is nothing except a fucking worthwhile value deal, that is what! And now, Corrupt Warden would see all this and he'd start blubbering all like, "Oh, please don't kill my daughter and whatnot," but Aziz would just stand there, that fucking knife holding so steady to Rose's throat, holding steadier than anything you've ever fucking seen before. The scene would be gripping. And plus there would be the reveal that Aziz has like a gunshot scar on his head that he got when he was getting thrills and winning a bowie knife. So back to what is happening here, Corrupt Warden, would beg for Aziz to spare his innocent daughter, but Aziz would never kill an innocent girl. He would rather spend infinite eternities in solitaire, rather than let one innocent person die. People who know Aziz, people who trust him, they know this. That is why when Aziz stabs Rose, the audience instantly knows that hey, Rose was not so innocent and that she was instead the head of the bad dope ring. So then of course, Corrupt Warden would sob and he'd cry, saying, "Yes, it was Rose all along. How did you know?" And Aziz would be like, "It is my fucking job to know. I am out of here." And then Aziz would walk right out of jail, completely untouched, leaving Corrupt Warden fallen to his knees with his whole world collapsing around him.

X. No he is not fucking correct are you kidding me? Because Corrupt Warden is not even considering the X factor. The X factor is like: you know in the movie XXX: State of the Union where Ice Cube probably does stunts and blows things up so he can stop the assassination of the president? Yes. That is the X factor. That is what I am talking about. Aziz does that and then next thing you know, well hey! There is Corrupt Warden and he's fucking dead and he's been cut right the fuck in half by a sub-sonic wakeboard and it was Aziz that rode it into him. Aziz would then ride the bloody wakeboard to a house and it would be Rose's house, the house of Corrupt Warden's 18-year-old daughter. Together they would fuck and then they would drive a muddy jeep to the airport. "Are you ready for this, Rose? Because motherfuck! Not everybody can handle this shit!" Aziz would say. Rose would be like, "I don't know," but then she would do it anyway. They would ride up in an airplane and jump out of the airplane even though this: No parachutes. They wouldn't be wearing any parachutes. The audience would think that they were going to die, but then Aziz and Rose would land on the ground like Kate Beckinsdale does in the Underworld vampire movies, landing like height doesn't even matter. Then they would have to fight werewolves and Rose would maybe get bitten by a werewolf and Aziz would have to kill her. When he finally impales her werewolf eye with a silver throwing star, the camera would cut to his face and he'd be fucking emotionless. He'd be fucking emotionless like Rose didn't even matter. Well what about this?: she did fucking matter, but to Aziz, Rose died a long time ago, like she died when she got bitten by the werewolf.

Y. No he is not fucking correct are you kidding me? (continued from choice U above) The camera is still on the hole. Who knows how much time has passed? Who knows how long Aziz was fucking that Rose? It is silent except for Rose panting from exhausted pleasure. Suddenly, through the concrete's hole, the audience hears Rose say to Aziz, "You just made me pregnant." Yes. It is like that Superman movie. Aziz would be like, "Rose, don't you feed me that shit. It is impossible for you to know that already." And Rose would be like, "Aziz! A woman knows! She knows…" But then Rose would think to herself and she'd see that even if she was right about her being pregnant, get this: if Aziz was a dad you know he'd be the best dad. There is no question. And yes Aziz would take his child to football games and the Blue Angels shows and teach him judo when I got older, but then where would all of his world-saving time go? Well Aziz would probably be able to make time, but still Rose would think, "No. I can not be so fucking selfish. Because come on: it will be hard being a single mom, but do you know what is harder? A world run by metal cyclopses. Because Aziz protects us from threats every day and I would be crazy-selfish to stop that from happening on Earth. It is like: What about the rest of the world? What about them? No, I will be a single mom and raise this child without Aziz ever knowing." Rose would think all of those things as the camera stayed on the hole, but the audience would only hear her say, "You're right Aziz. You're right. I'm not pregnant with our love child. I am ready for some more fucking." It would be sad and poignant and the audience would talk later at water-coolers and their eyes would water as they wondered if Aziz had put a baby inside Rose. Did Rose sacrifice her happiness for that world safety? For you? For me? That would be the question on everyone's mind. Only Rose knows the answer for sure, but she is long dead.

Z. No he is not fucking correct are you kidding me? Because Aziz would be like, "I will make you a deal, Corrupt Warden. I will challenge you to a game of street basketball. If I win, you stop dealing the bad dope. If you win, I call off the FBI, which by the way is totally on to your drug selling and is probably listening to us right now." Aziz would be lying right here. Do you know why? Because the FBI doesn't fucking know about Corrupt Warden! Aziz never fucking told them. P.S. here's why: Aziz didn't tell them because John Law ain't got shit for shit. Because John Law is all about following due process and bureaucracy and not about fucking avenging all those junkie kids who never even had a chance. But then that is why this world needs Aziz Ansari. Because someone. Has. To. Make. Them. Pay. AZIZ! Of course, Corrupt Warden wouldn't really know that the FBI wasn't really after him, so he'd think playing street basketball would be this great fucking idea. And Aziz didn't know it, but everyday when Corrupt Warden would get off work, he'd go down to the outdoor hoops court and he'd play. He'd flat-out fucking play. And he was good. Down at the b-ball court his teammates called him Bionic Hooptronic but not because he was bionic, just because his shots had this fucking precision that normally only machines can achieve. It was like: How can you be all human and still be this good at street basketball? So of course when challenged to a game of one-on-one street hoops, Corrupt Warden was like, "You bring it Aziz." "Oh I fucking will," Aziz would be like. Five hours later, Aziz and Corrupt Warden would stand alone on the prison basketball court, the merciless prison sun beating down on them and making their bodies shine with perspiration. Corrupt Warden would get the ball first and he'd make a three pointer from so far away that maybe other prisoners would be like, "You know, if there was a four-point shot in basketball, that would have been it." Corrupt Warden would act all smug and laugh and start talking trash. "3-Zip. Oh Aziz! You think you can play? You think you can fucking beat that shit? Oh I don't think so! Here comes the game!" But then Aziz would take the ball and shoot it from the exact same place Corrupt Warden shot the ball. The score would be 3-3 and Corrupt Warden would not be able to believe it. "Nobody can make that shot except me," he'd say. But Aziz would be like, "If that were fucking true, the score wouldn't be 3-3. But it fucking is. I am Aziz Ansari." The Corrupt Warden would get the ball, and he'd go in for the dunk. Aziz Ansari would jump up at the same time, swat the ball away in a way, and then, while still in the air, twist Corrupt Warden's head off and dunk the head itself." Well I know it sounds gruesome, but they were playing street hoops so anything goes. Corrupt Warden's headless body would somehow have stayed on its feet. "I just dunked your head, you jackass," Aziz would say. "5-3. Looks like I win." Then Aziz would run back up to the hoop, jump, and grab onto the rim. Poetically, the glass on the backboard would shatter and fall to the court. The camera would follow one piece of glass, and reflected in the glass the audience would see Corrupt Warden's headless body fall to the ground.

A. No he is not fucking correct are you kidding me? Because five hours later, when C.W. is driving home is his new yellow Porsche, the camera would pan down and Aziz would be holding onto the undercarriage of the prick mobile. Oh yes, it is exactly as Aziz planned. Go on, C.W.; take Aziz to your home. Take him to where there are no cameras, to where there are no witnesses. Take him to where you make all that bad dope that kills people and makes their lips turn blue before they die and that is how you know they are dying from bad dope: their blue lips. Your hubris has damned you, C.W., and Aziz is the unlikely hitchhiker with a hunger for vengeance that is so fierce, you can almost hear his stomach growling over the roar of the Porsche's engine. Upon reading these words, the camera seamlessly cuts to underneath the car where Aziz is baring his teeth and rubbing his hungry stomach as the road speeds by just inches beneath him. C.W. finally pulls up to his mansion which by the way is shaped like a pyramid and he's like totally shitless as to the fact that Aziz has followed him home. It quickly becomes evident that C.W. is having this huge party at his house, and there are tons of guests already there. Because C.W. is a W and also a drug kingpin, there are security cameras strategically placed so that every square inch of the mansion is monitored by an ever-watchful eye. Aziz would wait for C.W. to enter his mansion/pyramid, and then he would emerge from under the Porsche. Keep in mind: there are cameras fucking everywhere. Also keep in mind that Aziz does not fucking care about cameras come on! He would walk right up to the first camera he saw and right into the camera's microphone he'd say, "It's go time, brother! Because knock knock: I am Aziz Ansari!" Man it would be so fucking scary if you were watching the camera. And if you're wondering if anyone at C.W.'s party was listening, well they were because suddenly a whole bunch of people in tuxedos and ball gowns would come pouring out of the mansion/pyramid and they'd be screaming in terror because hey, maybe they are going to get judged by Aziz too, because isn't it true they were knowingly drinking dry martinis purchased with C.W.'s bad dope money? Well yes it is true, but they should get over themselves because get real: Aziz doesn't care about their candy-coated candy asses. He'd just flip them the bird and walk right into C.W.'s house like he owned the place. C.W. would be so fucking scared, but there he'd be, standing 20 feet away from Aziz with this gun that is like a flamethrower except that instead of throwing flames it is a sulfuricacidthrower. He'd start shooting it at Aziz, but Aziz would dodge it like boxers dodge punches, and maybe a splash would drop on his shoulder and give him this cool scar but he'd just shrug it off because it comes with the job, you know? It's the price you have to pay to stop C.W. from doing what he does: i.e., taking advantage of kids who have let their life spiral out of control and have become addicted to dope and C.W. sells them bad dope and it kills them. So C.W. would keep shooting at Aziz, but Aziz would just be too fast. C. W. would be like, "Aziz! Why…won't…you…die?!" And Aziz would be like, "You first, bro," and he'd wrestle the sulfuricacidthrower from C.W.'s hands and C.W. would cower in the corner, begging for mercy. Aziz would shoot him, but he wouldn't kill him. Get this: Aziz would not kill him. He'd use the acid to scar C.W.'s forehead so that the scar would read, "Your Parents." And you are probably like, "Come on, Aziz! That is a fucking stupid thing to acid write on his head!" Well if you are like that, here is a complimentary ticket for the get-a-fucking-clue ride, a ride of thrills, chills, and wake-the-fuck-up. Because it is the perfect thing for Aziz to acid write! If he had written "fuck you," C.W. could say that the "fuck you" was directed to whoever was reading his forehead. If Aziz had written "Fuck C.W.," C.W. could say that maybe it was an order for all hot girls to fuck him. With "Your Parents," it is like: hey it is like a big sticker for kids so they know not to buy dope from him. And not only that, but it would be the sweetest revenge of all for Aziz, because the thugs that work for C.W. maybe don't like their parents, right? And so they also probably don't like being reminded of them all the time. Later, maybe the thugs would have a mutiny against C.W. and they'd kill him by putting a secret spike in his hat and so when the C.W. put the hat on, he'd fucking stab himself right in the head. "Was it a suicide?" the 10 o'clock news would ask. "Fuck that," Aziz would think. "He's dead because my plan worked."

B. No he is not fucking correct are you kidding me? Because what C.W. isn't taking into account is the fact that Aziz has been in solitary confinement for a long time. He hasn't shaved or had a haircut in awhile, so now his beard is longer and his hair goes down to like his shoulders. He is not even recognizable to people that know him. Aziz would be like "C.W., you've got to let me out of here! My name is Bill Clay. Aziz put me in here because I sold bad dope to kids! He told me how he was going to kill you!" When Aziz would say all of this, he'd change his voice so that he sounded way different. It would be like: who IS this guy? C.W. would open the cell door and he'd see Aziz, but since Aziz would have longer hair, a longer beard and sound different, like maybe he'd sound like Michael Clarke Duncan from The Green Mile, C.W. would have no clue. C.W. would be like, "Where did he go?! How is Aziz going to kill me?!" But disguised Aziz would be like, "I'll tell you, but first you need to take me to your house. It is so not safe here." So then they'd hop into C.W.'s yellow Porsche, and they'd drive to C.W.'s place. On the way, C.W. would be like, "Bill Clay, you sell bad dope to kids? That is what I do!" And disguised Aziz would be go, "I know," and there'd be this barely concealed malice in his Michael Clarke Duncan voice and it would give you fucking chills. "Bill Clay, we're in the car and it's safe now. Can you tell me how Aziz is going to kill me now?" C.W. would ask. Disguised Aziz would be like, "Oh, I can not tell you yet, C.W. Not yet. First you take me to your home. Soon, everything will be crystal fucking clear." And C.W. would wonder why this Bill Clay guy was so full of profanity, but you know, he'd have other things on his mind like for instance A: Derrick, C.W's second-in-command in the bad dope ring has lately been getting too big for his already fucking big britches (Derrick has long struggled with obesity and C.W. always makes fun of him for all of his fat. That was Part 1 of C.W.'s mistakes. Part 2 will be seen shortly. It was C.W.'s Part 1 mistake because even though he doesn't know it, Derrick already got his revenge by making all the bad dope bad in the first place because he knew somebody would fucking care if kids were dying and that fucking somebody would be Aziz and Aziz would kill C.W. And Derrick was right.). The other thing C.W. has to worry about is B: he has committed tax fraud. So yes, there is a lot going on. People have lives and they have problems. Conclusion: C.W. would not pick up on the fact that disguised Aziz would have to sit on his own hands so as not to strangle C.W. outright. So then C.W. and disguised Aziz would arrive at C.W.'s mansion/pyramid. Disguised Aziz would say, "Hey, you fucking C.W. Before I tell you how Aziz is going to kill you, why don't you show me where you make all the bad dope?" C.W. would be like, "Okay it is here in the basement of my huge mansion/pyramid that Aztecs built." Oh big mistake, C.W. Big, huge, Part 2 mistake. You see, now Aziz knows where the dope factory is and he doesn't have to suffer with Corrupt W.'s fucking presence so he can go all Bruce Willis from Die Hard on his ass. C.W. would cram his mouth full of fries that they'd purchased, and go, "Hey Bill Clay? Now can you tell me how Aziz is planning on killing me?" Diguised Aziz would be like, "Yes C.W., I can. He is going to pretend to be a person that an actor's character was also pretending to be in the action film Die Hard. He is going to get close to you and befriend you and then get this: he is going to fucking make you fall off a building like Alan Rickman as Hans Gruber did in Die Hard. It will be this total movie-themed style of revenge that until now was previously unheard of." What is so awesome about this moment is that disguised Aziz is only telling C.W. the cold hard truth. Yes! That is exactly how he is going to kill him! Oh brother: C.W. would be scared fucking shitless because come on that sounds terrifying. It is like: Hey who can you even trust? So then C.W. would take disguised Aziz and they'd go watch Die Hard together so C.W. could figure out who Aziz would pretend to be. Then? The moment of truth. They'd come to the part where John McClane sees Hans Gruber for the first time and Hans is like "My name is Bill Clay" or something. And then bam. That is the shocker. Think about the surprise and epiphany of not just the adoring filmgoers who witness this, but also of C.W. Yes! Disguised Aziz was not really Bill Clay at all, but rather Aziz all along! C.W. would feel like he had been punched in the gut because the film's twist was: the man he was so afraid of had been with him the whole time! He would start screaming and crying, and Aziz would pick him up, lift him over his head, and take him outside the mansion/pyramid. Once outside, still holding C.W. screaming body of villainy, Aziz would climb to the pointy tip of the mansion/pyramid's roof, and then he'd throw C.W. off the building. The cool thing now is that the camera would show C.W. falling, and it'd look just like that shot in Die Hard 3 when John McClane is remembering how Hans Gruber fell off the building in Die Hard 1. "See you later, Hans," Aziz would say, as C.W.'s body fell to its perfect death. With his enemy dead, Aziz would take off his shoes and slide down the mansion/pyramid's smooth slope wall, spitting on C.W.'s corpse as he passed it on the way down. Then, like it was the easiest thing in the world, he'd blow up Derrick and the bad dope factory with explosives he's had the whole fucking time.

So that is the end of the quiz. There was only one question, but this is not school and I'm not your fucking teacher. One question is all it fucking takes. Just like one bullet is all it takes when Aziz needs to kill Commodore Ravensteel from like 400 yards away. It is important for you to know that except for answer first A, the answer that is for people who can eat a dick because hey, it is only their Aziz-jealousy and lack of chromosomes talking, all of the answers (B-B) could all have fucking happened for all you know because Aziz can do all of that shit so easy. However, none of these answers happened. The point of this fucking quiz is that you don't fucking know what Aziz is going to do. You don't fucking know. What he does is way tougher than those things so maybe you should wait and watch the action and not make snap judgements on shit you couldn't possibly know about because it hasn't happened yet.

Aziz didn't do any of that other shit because he had to act fast. You see, kids are dying from that bad dope every day Aziz is in jail, so he doesn't have time to wait for all of Rose's bullshit. No, what Aziz has done, what he did before the film even fracking began, was break his own arm in half. He broke it on purpose, and then he pulled out his arm-bone and he used a Swiss army knife to carve the bone into a key and it is a skeleton key and it unlocks the door to his very solitary confinement! Yes, that is another reason he was doing one-armed pushups: Because he is so fucking tough that he broke his arm and pulled out the bone and then he carved the bone using only one hand! Nobody has ever done this before in the history of film. Aziz uses innovation to free himself from solitary confinement.

So while C.W. is sitting there barking away about how Aziz can't hurt him, there's this slight clicking noise. It is Aziz! He is using the skeleton key to unlock the door! Aziz opens the door and there is C.W. and Aziz notices that C.W. can't believe his eyes. "It's time, C.W.," Aziz would say. "It is time for your fucking judgement. I am the judge." And this would be ironic because think about it: the turn of events has made a prisoner (Aziz Ansari) be a judge and come on what are the chances of that? Answer: 110% because yes, the prisoner was Aziz Ansari.

C.W. would look at Aziz and he'd see that one of his arms was totally rubbery and boneless and he'd be like, "Well I'm not scared of you, Aziz. What are you going to do to me? Your arm is like gross and it doesn't have bones! That cannot hurt me!" But then Aziz would reveal his other arm and C.W. would start crying because he'd realize he had spoken to soon. Also, in Aziz's other arm would be the skeleton key. But it is not just a skeleton key: Open your mind because that is what I haven't told you about yet. On one end of the bone Aziz carved a key. But on the other end of the bone, Aziz carved this medieval short-sword and he uses it to kill C.W. by stabbing him in a place that causes instant death and the place is a secret and it is taught only to Gatka masters. Of course, this would surprise the audience somewhat, because it had not been previously revealed that Aziz is a Gatka master. Aziz would look at the camera and say, "I am Aziz Ansari and I am full of fucking surprises."

C.W. would be dead, and there'd be this cut shot of children clapping and cheering and then later playing catch with their dad. Yes. Aziz saved all their asses by killing C.W. His job now done, Aziz would put the skeleton key/medieval short sword/bone he'd carved back into his arm and yes it would hurt like a bitch, but he is Aziz and come on, sometimes life is pain, right? Sometimes you have to make sacrifices and take the pain that comes with inserting a removed bone back into your flappy arm. Aziz. But you know he'd put the bone in just perfectly, and after the bone mended, he'd regain full mobility. The audience would be relieved.

So now that Aziz has had this cool jail adventure and plus saved kids, do you know what he'd do next? Wrong. Fucking wrong. If you answered fly an F-14 Tomcat to Aruba so he can stop Commodore Ravensteel from launching a satellite that can shoot a beam on people and the beam shrinks people and makes them ant-sized, I wish you were right, but no, this time you are fucking wrong. No, instead he would go to Brittany Spears' wedding reception for some fucking reason that P.S. some fucking anonymous coward had the sissified ass-juice brain to ask about and check the comments section of previous post to understand my anger. I do not know for sure but fucking A that anonymous coward sounds a lot like Paul from Texas. Hey shitheel! Aziz is tough! When are you going to learn? You do not ask what he would do at a wedding reception or what he would do at scrapbook parties! That is bad form. Because who the fuck would invite him to a wedding reception because everybody knows the bride would leave the groom so she could get busy with the Aziz fucking. That is just common sense. But maybe Anonymous is Commodore Ravensteel Herself! In that case, let me address a word to Commodore Ravensteel. Ravensteel, if you are reading this, it is just a matter of time, baby: Aziz.