Aziz Vs. a Huge Robot and Oxygen Deficiency and a Black Hole

Yes, I know it has been too long since I posted. How do I know? Well maybe because I'm the one who posts here, you ass. I know how long it has been exactly. So instead of telling me where is all the Aziz speculation, what you need to do is keep in mind that hey, maybe Prince Fontaine was at a big Hollywood party. Maybe he was on tour with his metal band. Maybe he was out bagging all the women and didn't have time to write. Well? Is this what I was doing? I'm not telling it is a mystery.

But this blog is not about me you know. It is about a little someone that I like to call hmmm… maybe…Aziz Fucking Ansari? Yes. Fucking A. And that's who people want to know about. For example Mr. Kirke Gardener does, and he wrote me this next comment right here:

what if Aziz was battling a giant robot that was designed with the sole purpose of crushing him in its massive aziz-crushing hands. And what if this battle was happening on one of the moons of Jupiter where there isn't even any air for him to breathe? And then what if the moon was being sucked into a black hole so that even if he was able to beat the robot he would still probably die from the black hole? i'm not saying i want this to happen but how would Aziz deal with it if it did?

Oh-ho man! Kirk, you almost get it. This question, mmmm it is so good, but man it just shows me that you are like a retarded kung fu grasshopper and I'm like that monk teacher guy who makes you try to take the stone out of my hand. And hey good luck doing that because I am very fast. But whatever, this blog is not about me. Here's how it would all go down.

Fuck, it would be so cold. Aziz would be on the ice-moon Europa and probably be in the early stages of frostbite. What? You can't believe it? Frostbite? God, I said "early stages"! Okay, well Aziz is fucking badass but come on he is only human! Is he so different than you? Yes he is. You would fucking die on Europa. I mean, it is an ice moon for crying out loud. Space is already pretty freezing. Science.

All of a sudden shit, here comes this huge black shadow over the horizon. IMHO, it would be the size of a mountain or something. And MHO is right. It fucking would be. But hello it's not a mountain because it's moving! It's moving straight towards Aziz like a huge fucking boomerang that Aziz didn't throw. However, it is not shaped like a boomerang.

Aziz would watch it right, but no he would not be scared. He takes things as they come, man. He'd just stand there and think to himself, "Maybe this thing coming over the horizon will kill me, but maybe it fucking won't. Either way, like I care, because at least before I died I was able to kill Commander Ivanovitch and free the mutated slave children (adventure not posted)."

Aziz, using his brain, would soon realize that what looks like a moving mountain, it is in fact the biggest fucking robot Europa has ever seen. You know how at McDonalds you can say, "I'd like that Super-Sized," and then they'll give you your meal with a ton more fries and a whole bunch more cola? Well they will. Try it out, fatty. But the reason I mention McDonalds is because readers should know that even though I was talking about Super-Sizing, that is not what happened to the huge robot. No. This kind of robot was specifically designed to crush Aziz, and so it only comes in one fucking size: Inadequate. Because here is some foreshadowing for you: This robot(MT. DESTROY X1702)is not going to kill Aziz even though it is so enormous. Please. Come on.

So ask yourself this question: Can robots feel fear? Because if this robot could, if this robot had proper programming, it would have fucking oiled its pants. Yes. But then again if it had proper programming, no doubt it would have told his creator, "BEEP! HELLO, DR. VANHYDEN. WHAT IS THAT? YOU WANT ME TO CRUSH AZIZ?! ARE YOU CRAZY I AM OUT OF HERE! BEEP BOOP!"

The robot would be right on top of Aziz when Aziz would look up into the sky. And you know, space is dark. But what is darker than space? Nothing? Well I'm sorry but that is a stupid answer. No. A black hole is darker. It is midnight's midnight. And plus black holes pull things toward them and crush them, so...shit. So now there's two things threatening Aziz's very life. Some people might stupidly think Aziz was in trouble, what with the black hole and the giganto robot. And Kirke, I'm talking to you here. You were wrong, buddy.

Aziz would take off his helmet and throw it at the one million ton robot. He'd throw it so good and so hard that when it would hit the robot he'd be knocked back and fall down. Fuck! I am talking about taking down a robot the size of a mountain here! Who could do this? Who is this man?! Answer: He is Aziz. Get over it. If you can. Because remember this too, Aziz just took off his space helmet so now he has to hold his breath. Plus his face is extra cold. Double suck, right? Wrong. Double oh well who cares.

Aziz, still holding his breath, would run over the mountain robot, pick him up by the ankle, and proceed to twirl him around and around. Finally, he would let the robot go soaring off into the atmosphere. At first, the audience would be like, "Whatever! I thought the robot weighed one million tons or something! Yes, clearly Aziz is super strong, but come on that is unbelievable." Well maybe the audience should take a timeout for science. Seriously. Educate yourselves. You see, on Europa, things only weigh 13.35% of what they weigh on Earth. That means that on Europa, the robot weighed not even close to one million tons!

Now at this point, the robot is flying out of control towards the black hole. And Aziz, even though he can hold his breath longer than olympic swimmers, is starting to need some air. In the theater, everyone watching this would be gripping their seats. Girls who are pretty would have boyfriends and they'd be holding them because motherfuck! what a tense situation!

The gargantuan robot, trying to control itself in order to avoid the black hole, would start firing its after-burners like crazy. Hmmm... do you know why fire and ice aren't ever pictured together? Here's why: Because fire flat out murders ice. It stabs ice and makes it bleed water until there is nothing left. And then, if fire keeps on stabbing water, the water's soul will rise out in the form of steam.

EVERYBODY STOP!!!!

Okay. I said stop because it is time for a lesson. Are you ready now for some chemistry? Yes? Well I'm not talking about the chemistry that causes such a great onscreen connection between Steven Seagal and Playmate Erika Eleniak in the first Under Siege movie.

I'm talking about the kind of chemistry that Aziz probably learned about when he went undercover at Dartmouth College. Yes. Science chemistry. Which brings me to my point. This: Water is made out of Oxygen (1) and Hydrogen (2) O1H2. Yes. And another duh fact is that people breathe Oxygen. Through their esophagus and lungs but that is biology but P.S. Aziz knows biology too (sex).

EVERYBODY GO!!!!

So therefore, using what we have learned, it becomes highly logical to deduce that Aziz would be able get his fucking oxygen from the steam. Bam! He's got his air. Problem solved. "Wait shit though. Um...hey, isn't there a robot still? And a black hole? How is Aziz going to escape from those things?" Well, actually, I don't know. To be honest, I think this might be a little more than even Aziz could handle. I mean seriously. A mountain-sized robot? AND a black hole? Even to Aziz, those things are pretty scary.

Come on. I'm joking. They are fuck.

The robot would be afterburning head-first back to Europa with all of it's might, trying not only to crush Aziz, but also trying to escape the black hole. And here's the scary part: The robot would steadily be making ground. Inch by inch it would get closer to Europa. But then, Aziz would run up right beneath the robot, and he'd fucking power jump punch it back into the black hole. The robot would spin straight into the black hole and plug it up. There'd be this huge robot, with his metal ass stuck in a black hole, and he wouldn't be able to move.

Aziz, having just saved the hole planet of Europa plus our galaxy and maybe you, would be safe. He'd climb up to the top of an ice drift, the Europa wind blowing back his hair, and he'd look up at the stars and Jupiter, which is big. He'd take a deep breath of steam, he'd frown and say "It used to be pretty here. This used to be my sanctuary. But now, up in the sky, it looks like there's a big robot taking a dump. Fuck you, technology." Then he'd go back to his space-motorcycle and fly on to different space adventure, this one maybe with green women that have three boobs.

Aziz's Late Night Television Interview

Hey. Well I don't have any new emails to answer so I am going to answer my own question. I was thinking this question: Hey. Do you know how like when Jean-Claude Van Damme is done kicking ass in a movie he goes on talk shows? Well guess what he does. Films do not promote themselves. Yes. Advertising. Well it is not selling out. Come on there is a lot of money involved.

If you can not tell, my question is the following question per se: What would the interview be like if Aziz was on Jimmy Kimmel Live? The only way for someone to properly answer this question is to go into a rum-soaked sleep, dream the answer, and then wake up and write about it at 3:30 in the morning. Oh. Yes. That is what the fuck I did. Here is how it would go:

Jimmy Kimmel Television Star: Holy fuck there are like girls taking their bras off. Do you know why? Well because of our next guest that is on my program without Adam Carolla. That is affirmative everybody it is Aziz Ansari!

The Entire Jimmy Kimmel Live Audience: Cheer!

(Aziz comes out right, and he's dressed in like torn jeans and a faded jean jacket. On the jacket there's one button pinned on and it just says, "I have saved your fucking life." During the following interview, ABC suit guys would like, "should we blur out the word fucking?" but then they'd realize, "hey, what kind of gratitude would that be? Because you know what? Aziz has saved our fucking lives and we should let him wear whatever cool buttons he wants to wear." Also, when Aziz would come on stage a bunch of chicks from the audience would scream really loud and then maybe faint like the girls you see on TV at Van Halen concerts)

Jimmy Kimmel Television Star: Aziz. Holy fucking shit. I can not believe you're here. I just can't believe this. Welcome. Audience, I saw Aziz backstage when I passed by his dressing room, and get this: his hands were cut up and bleeding. Fuck. That is right. Listen. Listen to me. I am just a television star. I do not know about bare knuckle boxing for our country or the art of medicine. But Aziz, it looks to me like you got hurt. Are you okay?

Aziz Ansari: I'm fine. Fuckin drop it.

Jimmy Kimmel Television Star: Okay, okay. Sure. It's just that, you know, a lot of communists and cloned mad scientists have publically said they wanted to kill you with like a dangerous were-vampire or something. Is this what happened?

Aziz Ansari: Yes it is what fucking happened. (And then Aziz would take out a bottle of Jack Daniels and take a righteous swig. Then, he'd take some of the J.D. and pour it on these bite marks we see on his neck. Yes. His fucking neck.) This were-vampire bite hurts a little, I must admit.

(And then the Jimmy Kimmel Live Audience would sigh because you know what? The fact that Aziz admits he is hurt makes him human. It brings him closer to everyone. It is like when you know Superman? Well he has a weakness too. Kryptonite. Maybe you have heard of it? Yes. Kryptonite can kill Superman. He is human just like everybody else, and that makes people relate to him. Superman, however, is an alien from the planet Krypton.)

Jimmy Kimmel Television Star: But you killed it right? You killed the were-vampire?

Aziz Ansari: (Without a word, Aziz would reach behind his chair and pull out the severed head of a were-vampire. Real cavalier like, he'd flip it right on Jimmy Kimmel's desk.) Yeah. I killed it.

Jimmy Kimmel Television Star: (eyes widening, almost speechless) Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Aziz Ansari: This is the fifth were-vampire I've killed today. But somewhere, the original were-vampire is still out there hiding. And do you know why he is hiding? Well hold on I'll tell you. This: Because he knows that when I find him, I'm gonna make him pay for what he did to that little orphan child. (Aziz would then look directly into the camera, with like this icy brown stare that shows how fucking serious he is.) Do you hear me, King Were-Vampire, you fuck?! You're gonna pay for what you did to Larry!

Jimmy Kimmel Television Star: Oh man. That dude is toast!

Aziz Ansari: Yes. Yes he fucking is.

(Then Aziz would turn to the camera again, bare his teeth, and flip it off. But no, America would not be offended because for one hey, this is late night TV. Who cares, right? A middle finger ain't shit on a shellfish. For two: come on it is Aziz. The people of America know he is flipping off King Were-Vampire and not their hungry pregnant wives so it is okay.)

Jimmy Kimmel Television Star: So. Besides that whole were-vampire thing, what else is going on? Do you have any hobbies?

Aziz Ansari: Sorry Jimmy Kimmel. You seem like a nice enough person, but I don't have time for this bullshit Q & A double bullshit. I'm gonna get on my chopper and ride to the town of Bloodsylvania. It's time I ended this were-vampire business once and for all.

Jimmy Kimmel Television Star: We believe in you, Aziz.

Aziz Ansari: I know you do, Jimmy Kimmel. I know everybody does. And believe me, it makes all the difference in the fucking world.

(Aziz would stand up, salute the Jimmy Kimmel Live audience, and walk right the fuck out. For a while, nobody would be talking. They would be shutting their mouths for once because because hey, lets show some respect for what Aziz is doing and also that orphan kid Larry. Here is how quiet it would be: All you would be able to hear is like the audience's heartbeat. The heartbeats would all be beating together, and later maybe a professor would think that somehow maybe it symbolized America. So everybody would still be quiet right, and then they'd hear Aziz's Motorcycle rev up in the background. Oh, and can you stay silent then? What are you made of stone or something? No. You are probably not. You don't stay quiet when you hear Aziz's motorcycle revving, you fucking cheer. You bet the crowd would go wild. Yes, they would. The camera would just be on Jimmy Kimmel and maybe his eyes would be a little misty.)

Jimmy Kimmel Television Star: This is why I care.

Lights out, roll credits. God, would you even bother watching TV after seeing that? How could you you'd be too inspired.

Aziz Versus a NASCAR F-bombing Legend

So here's the next one. This one is not from my fucking brother.

OK, this question's been eating me up inside!

What if Aziz got into a 2 fast 2 furious situation
with the ghost of Dale Earnhart Sr? Of course he
could win the race, but how could he do it without
disenfranchising his hordes of bennetsville south
carolina fans?

Distressed in Darlington

Hello, Distressed. You have asked me a question about a sport that I don't fucking care about. Guess what that is strike one. Problem fuck-a-two: You asked me a question about how Aziz would react to other people's feelings. Counting time. 1: There is only one part in this site where Aziz has had the fucking time to care about other people's feelings. Answer: When he told the jungle boy he was brave after he made him be bait for that shit ass huge anaconda see post entitled think about this too but you will have to check the September archives because this is October. Normally Aziz is too busy saving our sweet nation to care about feelings. For Aziz, caring about feelings is probably like when you buy those shoes where you can click them together and then maybe a switchblade or something comes out at the end so you can foot-stab people. Yes. It is a luxury.

Oh you have something to say about this? You say well I don't know because I think it is nancy to ever care about feelings even if you are not busy. That is what you think? Well so here is a little story then for you to read so you can get a fucking clue. There once was an actor named Bruce Fucking Die Hard Willis who was in an Action/Thriller movie that maybe you have heard of? They call it the Fifth Element? Yes. There were a lot of guns and explosions in this movie. But do you know what the fifth element was? Because you don't even find out until the end. It was love. And love shows her boobs at the beginning. So here is what my point is: This: Sometimes in movies emotions can destroy evil black spheres with Bruce Willis but sometimes they can make it so girls get so jealous and try to murder Aziz. You have to weigh the fucking pros and cons.

First, Aziz would be 2 fast and 2 furiously kicking Dale Earnhart's ghost's ass in the race even though he'd be driving with two flat tires due to spy sabotage. Yes. You better fucking believe it. But then, suddenly, he would slam on his breaks. Uh oh, because then oh shit the ghost would plow into Aziz's car. Car fire! You think oh so is Aziz okay? What do you fucking think of course he is okay he jumped out of his car just before the crash he is not crazy.

Man, Dale Earnhart Sr's ghost's car would be so messed up. Not drivable. In his ghost mind, he'd be thinking, "Hey. I used to be a very popular NASCAR driver, but now I'm a ghost and I've got evil haunting to do. I wish I could stop being a bad ghost but first I have to find the voodoo man who cursed my soul and made me a damned spirit i.e., like Hamlet's dad. In the meantime I am forced to spook people out. I just hope Dale Earnhart Junior can forgive me and start winning his own races." That is exactly the fuck what he did, too, but that is unrelated to Aziz.

So there's Aziz right, and he's going up against the ghost and maybe there's this slow, steady bass beating in the background to show that come on, this is a very tense situation. The camera would pan over to the people watching the race, and through the magic of movies the audience would understand the fear, utter desperation, happiness, etc. the crowd was feeling. One guy would even be crying like a baby. Yes. It would be that fuck Paul, visiting Bennetsville from Texas for some reason. And maybe he peed himself I'm not surprised.

So how is Aziz going to defeat something that is a ghost? Answer: Become a ghost his own self. Aziz would let the ghost of Dale Earnhart Sr. bite his finger and the ghost virus would start to course through his veins. WTF! Is Aziz going to die? Hey Shitballs. No. He isn't. Just hold on a fucking second. I will tell you. This is my forum.

Get this: Aziz would start to die. Eh? He would look at his hand and see that woah, it is starting to turn transparent like when Michael J. Fox plays the guitar in Back to the Future. The ghost of Dale Earnhart Sr. would see what was happening to Aziz and he would laugh and laugh. Well he won't be laughing long, that dickweed. His whispy ghost mind would think "I just made that Aziz guy turn into a ghost. He's not so tough. I don't know what all those vampires were talking about."

Except this!: Now that he is turning to a ghost, Aziz would run over to the ghost of Dale Earnhart Sr. and Rocky-punch him right in the gut. The ghost of course would like, be hit so hard he would fly backwards and smack right into a wall. His ribs would be ghost broken. Then Dale would be all "But…But…! You can't hurt me! I'm a ghost! What's going on here?!"

Well I'll tell you what's going on, Mr. ghost of Dale Sr.: You see, you fucked up by making Aziz part ghost because now for some reason Aziz can hurt you. It is mysterious but it is true. Half ghost Aziz would calmly begin walking over to the ghost of Dale Earnhart Sr.. In the background, Jusify My Thug by Jay-Z would be playing and the audience would be thinking "You know, I'm not normally a big hip-hop fan, but I've got to say: Yes. Wow. This music is appropriate ass-kicking music that is absolutely perfect for this situation." The ghost of Dale Earnhart Sr. would be so scared even though he's already dead. He'd be bruised and hurting and then he'd look up and see half-ghost Aziz walking towards him, wearing those big Maverick in Top Gun mirrored sunglasses.

Fuck, he'd know it's over. "Aziz! Aziz, come on man. There's got to be a way we can work this out. Please. Tell me. What are the chances we can just forget about this?" At first, half-ghost Aziz wouldn't say anything. He'd strike a match on the street and light a stogie. Hell, he is half dead anyway, right? Then, after like two puffs of the cigar, which was Cuban by the way which are best but illegal due to US trade restrictions, Aziz would say "Sorry. There's not a ghost of a chance!" And then he'd pick up the ghost of Dale Earnhart Sr. and give him a pile driver right onto the street and ghost-break his neck. Yes. That is how you deal with evil spirits if you are Aziz.

The camera would be watching Aziz walk away, and he'd still be part seethrough. Oh so it's over? No. No it fucking isn't because Aziz would still be half-ghost and is that how you'd want to live your life? No. All of a sudden Aziz would whip around and oh my god he's had a fucking shotgun the whole time. He shoots once into the crowd that was still watching him, and the shotgun would hit this guy with like paint on his face and a bone through his nose, and we know he's the voodoo guy that started the ghost virus in the first place. Aziz would rematerialize all of a sudden and the audience would probably start cheering. And then the camera would quick-zoom close-up on his face, he'd wink and say, "I'm goin' home. I've got chicks to fuck."

Aziz Versus A Deathcheetah Plus a Big Hole

So guess what. No. You are fucking wrong. But if you want to know what is so right keep reading because I'm going to tell you in the next sentence. I got another question about Aziz in my comment section that was from "anonymous." Anonymous wanted to ask a question about Aziz, but he didn't want to give a name. Hmmm. Hey anonymous, did you think that if you gave a name I would want to be hanging out with you to play laser tag or something? Did you think that if I had your name I would be call call calling you all of the time to ask you about your feelings? Well that's not what would have happened. I do not fucking think so. Here is the email from anonymous:

I don't mean to be obvious, but I have been thinking about this for a long time and I don't get it. What if Aziz Ansari went to sleep one night in his bed, and then due to drugs or poisoned bed spread etc when he woke up he was:
1. In a giant hole with metal sides (can't jump out)
2. Naked (no ninja stars or steel toed boots or etc. )
3. If he has a sharpened fingernail it has been clipped
4. Up against a genetically altered 20 foot deathcheetah.

I hate to say it but It seems to me like in this situation it seems to me like Aziz Ansari would die. I mean, I wouldn't want to be the deathcheetah but....... .... This happens in the movie "DEXTRO" but dextro dies when this happens

Oh, anonymous, you think that Aziz would die? Well then I think you are brain slow and probably one of those people who shops at Hot Topic because they are vampire horny. Actually, I'm sorry. Now that I think about it, could I ask a favor of you, anonymous? Please? Could you please do the fucking math here I mean come on this a problem for babies not Aziz. Thank you for writing.

At first, I was embarassed to be answering this question. Yes. That is right. This situation is so fucking easy for Aziz that when I sat down at the computer to answer this question I was ashamed. But you know, it's like, if one person doesn't know the answer to this question, chances are there are other people who don't know either so hello maybe I should learn you. So I'll write your baby answer, but FYI anonymous? Whoever this Dextro was, he was a huge giant pussy that probably, just before he died, spent his last few moments thinking about how great life would have been if only he'd published his pansy poetry that was probably about teardrops and the touch of silk.

So there is Aziz, waking up in a giant metal hole naked with his fingernails cut and plus did you know he's up against a genetically altered 20 foot deathcheetah. Do you even know what genetically altered deathcheetah means? It means that A: It probably has these like saber teeth and maybe earlier in the movie the audience saw the deathcheetah bite through solid adamantium like it was just a cheeseburger and B: It is extra ferocious and you can tell cause it has red albino eyes and it growls big. But check this: The deathcheetah even though it is normally so ferocious like proven in B, would be so scared of Aziz that it would be anal glanding all over the place. Yes, that is disgusting, but that is what cats do when they are scared sometimes. And cheetahs are members of the cat family. I am probably allergic to them.

Aziz, even though he would be naked and tired would be like "I am glad I LET myself be drugged and taken here. I know that my body is a weapon and that leads to me having a lot of enemies. Enemies that like to remain hidden. Now that I have been drugged and put in a giant hole with metal sides, maybe I can find out who my enemy is. I guess it's time I get out of here." And with that, Aziz would walk over to the genetically altered 20 foot deathcheetah and give it an uppercut punch right the fuck in the neck. Yes. Picture that, readers. Picture a huge deathcheetah gasping, with its tongue all hanging out trying to breathe and its animal brain is all "My anal glanding was correct. I was right to fear this thing they call man." Because what good is running fast going to do you now, deathcheetah? And what good are those super sharp teeth if you are lying in a metal hole with a punched neck from Aziz? None. And when the genetically altered 20 foot deathcheetah realized that all of his natural defenses weren't worth shit when it came to defending against Aziz, it would give up its will to live and just die right there. It was choking to death anyway from the punched neck.

Then Aziz would be in the giant metal hole with a rotting deathcheetah corpse. Oh, but how does he get out of the hole? Maybe one of the lingerie models that he fucks whenever he wants will drop a rope down the hole and save him? If you think this, please go to hell. Yes a lingerie model would want to save Aziz, but guess what she is busy doing? Answer: Girl wanking to pictures of Aziz fighting crocodiles. No biggie for Aziz though, because for him it is so easy to get out of the hole by himself that you can't believe it. He would just go to the deathcheetah's corpse and tear out its skeleton with his bare hands, all while maybe letting out a primal growl that would scare children maybe you. Are you ready for this part, because this is where you'll be like "Fucking killer. This is the part I will be talking about at the water cooler tomorrow at my job." Aziz would use the deathcheetah's blood slimy intestines to tie together the deathcheetah bones. In like two hours he'd have made a ladder out of something that just two hours ago had been a deathcheetah. Yes.

Aziz would climb out of the hole and as soon as he did, running up to him would be this other hot chick that Aziz sometimes fucks but not because he loves. She'd have big boobs and say "Aziz, I'm so glad you're safe. I thought the deathcheetah was going to kill you." And she'd hug him and and Aziz would hug her back. Then, Aziz would whisper in her ear this: "You know, baby, I didn't say anything about a deathcheetah." Then she'd pull out this katana blade and try and stab Aziz, but Aziz would whip out the sharp saber tooth he had intestine tied to his back and he'd stab her just before she stabbed him. Before she died, Aziz would say "Why?" And she'd say "I...I was tired...I was tired of coming in second to the freedom of the United States of America. I wanted to win the first place blue ribbon in your heart." And there would be a little blood on her teeth like they do in other movies where people get stabbed. Then she'd die. The sun would just be starting to set and the wind would be blowing sand into Aziz's deathcheetah-bloodied face. He'd stand up over her body and say, "I'm sorry honey. You knew the rules going in. You weren't anything except a sweet lay to me. But I'm gonna miss that." The camera would be on Aziz's ankles and the wind would still be blowing. Then the wind would maybe pick up a page of newspaper and just as the newspaper flew into the camera the screen would go black and the credits would roll while playing AC/DC's Thunderstruck.