What If Aziz Were President?

I have been in a voluntary coma. What else has been going on? Well it should be obvious people. . The else is this Aziz entry right here. Yes. I am going to answer another Aziz question. Please read as follows:

"You've expertly shown what Aziz would do in all of these badass situations. And yes, I read that one entry where you also showed what Aziz would do if he was at a scrapbook party. That too was so expertly written, even though Paul from Texas is a fuck. But here's something else for you to tackle ie, this: What if Aziz went to Washington D.C.? Yes. That is right. What if Aziz wasn't working for the president but hey. Listen. What if Aziz WAS the president? I mean fuck. Can you even imagine it? How the world would change? How things would be so killer, etc? Well yes they fucking would be. And plus as a bonus there is a lot of stress with that job! Please artfully describe this in one of your moviementaries as only you can."

–Rex Octane

Rex Octane, can I fucking tell you something? You know what? You see the big picture, buddy. Yes you fucking do. Why should Aziz and all of his adjectives be forced to take orders from the President? Because that is just more red tape and come on. Bureaucracy? Hey Aziz doesn't need that. Aziz only takes orders from Aziz and the president. So guess what? I'm going to cut out the fucking middle man and I'm going to pass the savings onto you. Now Aziz just takes orders from Aziz. And you know the orders will be so hardcore.

It is morning and maybe there is like a bird chirping. Maybe that bird is an American bald eagle. Yes. It is. A baby one. And it is hungry for the regurgitated worm of freedom. The camera is filming the white house and it starts zooming in on an oval part of the white house. Why look it is the Oval Office where the president lives! Who is the president? Well who do you fucking think didn't you read Rex Octane's question? It is Aziz. I have made him president. By the time the film's narrator is done asking the audience if they have read Rex Octane's question, the camera has entered the Oval office. And there he is. President Aziz. He is wearing a camouflage suit by Armani because assassins cannot kill want they cannot see. And why not cannot be seen in style? Armani.


With the camera showing the entire oval office, the audience would pry their eyes away from Aziz so they could nod their heads in appreciation at the shuriken collection on display. But wait, you audience. You have not even seen the most prized shuriken.

Yes, there it is. And just by looking at it you know it is so deadly. The shuriken was carved from the skull of a dead velociraptor king and then spray painted gold by an artist. It is obviously twice as sharp and twice as deadly as an AK-47. The camera would focus on the gold velociraptor shuriken for like two minutes, foreshadowing a future moment where Aziz uses the shuriken to kill the vice president. It is then that President Aziz picks up the gold velociraptor shuriken and just chucks it right straight into the Vice President's neck. You see, a bunch of White House staff had entered the oval office when we were looking at that awesome shuriken.

So there the cabinet is, standing there and watching Vice President Rotiart as he lies dying on the floor. After he finally lets out his death gurgle, they'd be like "Aziz, buddy? We know you. We trust you, dude. You are like the best president in the history of the United States of America." And then the Chancellor of History, would be like, "Hey, I studied all of the presidents in school, so I fucking know what I am talking about here." But then they'd be like, "But one thing we don't understand is why you would shuriken Vice President Rotiart?" And President Aziz, downing a glass of Laphroaig single malt scotch, would just be all, "Rotiart is traiter spelled backwards." The cabinet members would slowly look at each other and just mouth the words: "Oh shit he's right. He's right! That was a close one!"

Suddenly, President Aziz would throw his empty scotch glass at the wall like he was Zeus throwing a lightning bolt. Hey. Hold the phone. No. I am not referring to the professional wrestler featured in the film No Holds Barred. Okay now put down the phone because I have made my point. Of course it does not even need to be said that the scotch glass would shatter just like Aziz's trust of Vice President Rotiart had shattered: aka: into exactly one million shardy pieces or blood-covered vengeance. But I am saying it anyway for skid marks like Gregg W. Who is Gregg W? Well he is the dickweed who wrote this email. who do you think you are? why dont you stick a grenade up your ass and pull the pin. aziz is a punk. kiss my ass. Well Gregg, I got your email. Thanks. Fuck you, buddy. See if you think he's a punk after this piece of history. But back to the question.

"Fuck Rotiart," Aziz would say, "Fuck him. He couldn't do this alone. Somebody is behind Rotiart's betrayal, and I bet I know who. I'm going to find him and I'm going to kill him with like, yes. With the Vice President jawbone. And yeah, that's gross, but come on it is fitting. Because when this person realizes he is being killed with Rotiart's very jawbone, the secret deceiver will then, and only then, know why the person he wanted to kill is now the person killing him. He will know and he will cower!" With that, Aziz would walk over to the dead Vice President and, with a team of expert surgeons, he would surgically remove the Rotiart's jawbone. Once the posthumous operation was complete, Aziz would take the jawbone, hold it over his head and say, "I am the President of the United States of America!" At this point the film would freeze-frame for seven minutes, just to give the audience a chance to cheer and still not miss any of the incredible dialogue.


But hey. Lets use these seven minutes to stop and think for a second because: hello, it is possible to cheer and think at the same time. Do you know how I talked about Zeus earlier? Check. I am positive I did. The reason I am bringing up a documented fact is because I realized this: Aziz and Zeus may as well be twins. Zeus is like the king of the gods or something, and right now Aziz is the President of the United States of America. And when Zeus got angry, back in the day, he was big into smiting people, maybe with even broadswords and Mount Olympus somehow. Well guess who's going to get smoten later on by Aziz? Yes. That is right. Somebody Aziz is angry at. Also, Zeus was this guy who was always tapping that ass if you know what I mean. Because I mean he fucked a lot of ladies. But yeah, Aziz does that too and it is easy for him because he is rich and powerful and he can probably crush stones with his fists. And yes, I'm talking about granite fucking stones. The hard kind. So my conclusion is that Zeus and Aziz are exactly the same. However, Aziz is not into golden showers.

Well... Two minutes of cheering left… The reels change on the projector but Aziz stands there still, gloriously captured with that trademarked look of fucking badass determination on his face. The jawbone remains held above his head like a trophy, and it's just like wow. Wow. Are you f'ing kidding me? No I am not f'ing kidding you. Of course the audience keeps cheering. Of course. And at this point they have been cheering and thinking about Aziz and Zeus for five minutes, but they are still like, Hey. I want to cheer for infinite time. Sorry, audience. No can do. Like all good things, this cheer session has to end.

But not right now because remember there are still two minutes left. Oh, can you imagine how excited the audience is? They have been waiting for this kind of nonstop action for going on months. Yes. Let them cheer.

Okay well now there's just one minute.

Okay now everybody shut up your cheering because when Aziz starts kicking ass, trust me you are going to want to see every single second of it. And what I am trying to say here is that news flash, assholes: never close your eyes because wake up it is nonstop happening.

But hey that is just reality talking.

Return now, to adventure! So now Aziz has to go find the secret villain who is behind making Vice President Rotiart betray him. How is he going to get answers when the Vice President is already dead, shurikened to death in a totally awesome way? Well hold on I will tell you. He will get answers from this person: Mother Earth. You see, the dirt Aziz finds on Rotiart's shoes might as well be a sign saying "Hey Aziz! If you want to know who is trying to kill you, go to the Grand Canyon which is in Arizona!" and in fact, when Aziz looks at the dirt there are subtitles on the screen saying exactly that. Yes, Aziz can translate dirt like it is a language or something he knows. And come on! Who else do you know who can do that? Do not say Christopher Lambert. I like him too but that is a fucking bullshit answer.


Of course at this time Aziz's cabinet would be all, "Look, Aziz. You can't go to the Grand Canyon in Arizona. Yes, we know it sucks that Rotiart was a traitor. And come on, we know there is a real good chance he wasn't working alone. But let's be real about this, Aziz, let's be real. You have to sign laws and decide things. You have to take care of our country. You are the president." And Aziz would be like, "Listen, you fuckers. I already know I am the president. Get real it is my job."

And the cabinet would be like, "Well then send an army, Aziz. You are the best president in the history of time and we don't want you risking your life."

"So you dickheads would rather risk the lives of an army?" Aziz would say. "No. I do not think so. I am going. Me. Remember that I can bench-press more than all of you combined. And I am very strong, so maybe I can do that with one hand. Hey Dave. You look big. How much can you bench press?"

And Dave would be like, "I don't know, 350 pounds or so."

Aziz would be like, "350? Yeah, that is nothing to me! Yes. I can do that one-handed."

Right away, the cabinet would burst into applause, but bad news you wouldn't be able to hear them because the audience would be bursting into applause at the same time. Later, when the audience is driving home, they will be like, "Hey you know when we were applauding at the same time as Aziz's presidential cabinet? It was like we were part of the movie, man. It was like we were part of the movie." Come on, audience. I know it was. Fuck. You don't have to tell me. That was the desired effect!

Ignoring all the clapping and cheering, Aziz would shout, "I am the President so you have to do what I say!" With that, Aziz would hop into Airwolf 1 and start flying his presidential super-copter to the Grand Canyon in Arizona.

To play with the audience's emotion, for the first forty-five minutes of the flight nothing would happen. But in a way it kind of would. Because Aziz would just be flying the super-copter by himself and looking really angry and I mean come on! Can you imagine how that would build the suspense with each minute? It's like: every passing minute would bring President Aziz that much closer to the Grand Canyon in Arizona. And guess what.

Did you guess that it means he's also that much closer to punching his mega-fist right through a bone that some people might call…hmmm…I don't know…a living human skull?! Okay then you would be right.

So just as Aziz would be about to reach the Arizona Grand Canyon, this other super-copter would come up behind him all sudden like. Seriously, right there, the audience would scream. "President Aziz, did you know there is a dangerous super-copter behind you?! Because look out!" Yes. You see, that is what 45 minutes of cross-country super-copter filmmaking does. It reels you right the fuck in. But Aziz would anticipate these comments from the audience and in a quiet moment he'd look directly into the camera and say, "Thanks for the warning, dudes. You have just saved the president's life. Catch you on the flip side." And right when Aziz says "flip side," he'd do this loop-de-loop in his super-copter and all of a sudden bang! he's right above the other super-copter! Just in time too, because the bad super-copter would fire a nuclear laser rocket straight at Aziz and like just miss him.

Aziz's super-copter would be 20 feet above the bad super-copter, but fuck. He wouldn't hesitate. Shit. He is not a rare and delicate Karner Blue Butterfly! No way. He is a rare and tough President Aziz who maybe some day will be able to move things with his very mind!

So without hesitating like a big puss, President Aziz would jump from his super-copter right onto the windshield of the bad super-copter. Yeah, never mind that he is like 20,000 feet high in the air. Never mind that. That is nothing to him. Yes, the wind would be blowing hard and almost blow Aziz to his doom, but so? Aziz would just punch right through the super-copter's bullet-proof window, grab the pilot by the neck, and then throw him out the door. The camera would stay on the pilot and you'd be able to hear his terrified, about to die screams. The screams would be all, "Aaaaaa! Oh no I'm going to die when I hit the ground! But there were so many things I wanted to do in this oh-so-short lifetime! I'm still falling! I'll never be able to open that New York style pizza restaurant I'd talked about with Pam! Oh Pam…I hope she can forgive me for not being around to see the kids grow up… Shit here comes the ground!" And then splat he'd be dead. What is that? What? Oh you feel sorry for him? Well he was trying to kill Aziz so who cares? He is a shit. So then the song "Free Falling" by Tom Petty would play, and it would be very appropriate.

More stuff would happen, and then President Aziz would finally arrive at his destination: Grand Canyon City in Arizona. It is huge. It is deep. It is also orange. And right there at the bottom of the canyon would be this huge mansion with signs that say "No Trespassers!" and "No Solicitors" and the signs would be painted directly on the mansion so kids couldn't steal the signs.

But Aziz is the president so who fucking cares about signs, right? I mean: Shit! So Aziz would march right up to the mansion's door but it would be locked. Well big whoop. Like Aziz can't just blowtorch the door down. He can.

After Aziz would get back from buying a blowtorch, it would be just a matter of minutes before he'd get inside the mansion. Inside the mansion there would be a whole bunch of naked girls kissing each other. And yes, that is neat and sexy but it is not time for that. No. Aziz has other things on his mind like the fucking free world. Hello, he is the president.

"I know you dudes are here," he'd shout, "and I've got some bad news. You committed an act of treason, otherwise known as an act of what are you crazy or something you can't possibly kill Aziz because I am way stronger and plus as a bonus now I have a blowtorch. It is a crime punishable by death, so now you fucks are going to pay. But I don't take checks and I don't take credit cards. Hell, I don't even take cash. So I guess there's just one method of payment: your lives because I am going to fucking kill you in a way that is awesome. In fact it will be so awesome that the audience will be talking about in really excited voices all the way home." And then Aziz would look right into the camera and go, "This I promise you." Everyone would just be like "Oh my gosh! Aziz was talking to me! What he just said was just for me!" Well you are half right. Aziz was talking to his boss. "Oh, but Aziz is president! Who is higher than the president? He doesn't have a boss!" Shut the fuck up I am talking about the people of America.

Hearing Aziz's challenge, a man would slowly stroll down the mansion stairs. And look, can you believe it? It would be Zeus the professional wrestler from the movie No Holds Barred. Earlier we talked about how Aziz was exactly like Zeus the Greek god and not Zeus the professional wrestler from the movie No Holds Barred. So this is a major fucking coincidence.

"Well it looks like Vice President Rotiart failed," Zeus would say. "And that sucks because hey it is hard work making a robot that can be Vice President."

Yes. Rotiart was a robot. It is a surprise twist that nobody expected.

Zeus would stare at Aziz for awhile and then be like, "I'm wrestling with the idea of how to kill you, Aziz. Hmmm…and I just can't figure it out. Oh wait. Yes I can!" And then he would charge at Aziz super fast to put him in some kind of a wrestle move or something but Aziz would kick him and then blowtorch his face right off.

"Hot enough for you?" Aziz would ask Zeus' corpse. But only a deafening silence would answer. The silence would last a respectful two minutes.

Aziz would then say loudly, "Well, now that I've found the real villain, I guess I am safe and I can leave." Aziz would be walking to the door, but just as he got there he'd duck. And good thing too, because I lightning bolt would hit the door right where his head was. Shit Aziz! How did you know you that was coming? Answer: Aziz has a sixth sense or something where it's weird, but he gets this taste in his mouth when there is lightning close by.

Aziz would turn around real casual-like and there would be this shirtless old guy with a beard. The old guy would look really angry and he'd have another lightning bolt in his hand.

"Zeus, Zeus, Zeus the Greek god" Aziz would say. "Will you ever learn? I will always be one step ahead of you!"

And it is at this point where it's like "That's Zeus the Greek god?!! That is insane! Because it is one kind of coincidence when Zeus the professional wrestler shows up, but it is an altogether bigger coincidence when Zeus the Greek god shows up." Well yes that is true, but you know what, audience? These kinds of coincidences happen. There are people out there who have won the lottery more than once and that is super rare but guess what you have to play to win.

"Aziz, you and I are exactly the same. It has been proven earlier in this moviementary. But you know what? That is crazy. Because I'm like the king of Greek gods and you are but an awesome man. And I don't want to be the same, Aziz. I want to be special. I mean, doesn't everybody want to be special? Doesn't everybody want to be able to say, 'Hey, I am more kickass at X than anybody else and this is what defines me as a person/god'? Well I do, Aziz. I do. And I just can't do it when you're around. Because you are like: more kickass at everything! That is depressing to me. So I didn't want to have to kill you, Aziz, but it's the only way to make me special again."

"You know what, Zeus?" Aziz would say, "We are not the same. That's bullshit. I.e., you are a huge pussy. You fucking changed. I mean Hello?! Are you kidding me you can create lightning! You are an old man but come on grow up and accept things."

If Zeus was really grown up he would take Aziz's constructive criticism and he'd listen to it. But no he is like a baby so he'd get mad. "Eat lightning, Aziz!" Zeus would shout, his big pussy tears starting to form in his eyes. But then, like just as Zeus would start forming the lightning bolt, Aziz would start peeing on him and Zeus would electrocute himself to death. Yes I know that is kind of gross, but it's not like Aziz had a bucket of water on him. He had to use what was available. Fuck you that is how it goes sometimes. You would do the same. Plus this way Aziz can show his disrespect for pussies like Zeus, the Greek god of whining.

Aziz would look down on Zeus' charred body with a look of total presidential contempt.

"What a shock: You're dead," he'd say, and then he'd spit on Zeus' face.

Looking around the mansion a bit, Aziz would fuck all the naked kissing chicks before checking the mansion's garage. Sure enough, there would be Zeus's sky chariot, keys still in the ignition. It would look so sweet. He'd get in, open the garage doors, and fly towards the White House. The wind would be blowing in his hair, and he'd go, "A sky chariot, huh? Well I gots to get me one of these!" and then the screen would go black, credits would roll, and We Just Won't Be Defeated by The Go! Team would play. The audience would be sad, but hey at least now there is no time limit on their cheering. Fucking satisfaction.