Aziz Fucking Noir

This entry isn't as long as Aziz vs Mutant Island. It is shorter. This entry is for people who can use their fucking brain to imagine a different time as well as a different place. Yes. A time of Guys. A time of Dolls. Not Guys and Dolls together though because that is a musical. And do you think Aziz watches musicals? No. Aziz watches musicals for breakfast.

Scene: An alley. It is dark. It is also foggy. A gunshot rings out and it hits somebody and it hurts them. Aziz, wearing his trademark trench coat and fedora, falls backwards onto the cold, damp cement. Because the somebody that got shot was Aziz. A woman emerges from the fog with her Aryan blond hair pulled back into a bun. She has bright red lipstick and she's wearing a fur coat and black stilettos. A stiletto can also be a knife to stab people with, but right here I'm talking about shoes. In her left hand she is holding a stiletto. In her right hand she is holding a pistol with a pearl handle because she is a girl. As she walks slowly over to Aziz, her steps echo across the pavement. A light rain begins to fall. Looming over Aziz, the woman watches the dark red blood spill from his shoulder. She's crying, but she raises the gun to Aziz's head. She doesn't raise the shoe stiletto but she raises the other one.



"Oh Aziz, my darling," she says, "You know how long I've loved you. You carried me out of the gutter and you made me a lady. That night we fucked was pure magic and it threw glitter on everything I saw. But then you go and leave, breaking my heart and my emotional stability. And in this day and age, the 1940's, going to see a psychiatrist is not as socially acceptable as it will be in 65 years. America's Great Depression has just ended, but my Great Depression has just began. And please, darling, understand that they are two very different kinds of depressions. Oh I didn't want to kill you Aziz, honey. I didn't. I just couldn't bear to have you love someone else."

The dame, turning her head and closing her eyes, prepares to shoot Aziz and then stab him with both kinds of stilettos. It starts to rain harder and far off in the distance a dog is barking. Aziz has kept his eyes shut the entire time, a grimace held firm on his face. And then he does a wicked helicopter spin kick, the kind you see in capoeira, the dancing martial art, and he kicks the gun and the stiletto out of her hands. Relieved, but so emotionally confused, the dame starts again with the water works, her tears mercifully masked by rain that continues to soak her.

"I was meeting you so that we could remember what we once had," Aziz says. "We were going to fuck like we used to. Like champs. But you shouldn't have shot me, Betty. It's not WJWD. So it's over. I'm sorry. And I'm sorry you're a skank."

Aziz walks away, his body soon becoming no more than a silhouette in the merciful rain and the mysterious fog. Betty, broken and shattered, falls to her knees with the realization that for her, love will never be more than a memory. She had it all, once. But she blew it. Both literally and figuratively.

Aziz Vs. Mutant Island!!!

Kirke Gardner asked another good question. FYI he asked it exactly like this:

…But i still wonder, what would he do if he were hunted by a whole team of superhuman mutants, like the x-men, but evil and jealous of his awesomness, and they had invited him to an island where they could hunt him? like what if they tricked him into going there to save america but really they just wanted kill him so that they could show america that they werent afraid of it anymore cause they could kill Aziz. what would he do then?

Yes, this is so nice. Congratulations on not being a sissified pansy cake, Kirke. Butl lets cut through the bullshit. Here's your answer:

Like the second the opening credits are done, the camera quick-zooms in on Aziz's face. And right away, the audience's eyes would be like man, when did all of this action take such a toll on Aziz? When? When do you think, brown star? Fuck, maybe when Aziz's face got so scarred when he was fighting the psychic Triathyne who could shoot lighting out of her eyes and plus she literally had like a forked tongue that was blue(Adventure cannot be posted. Fox Searchlight now owns the Aziz vs. Triathyne option and has legal rights to it and hey do you think I want to be sued? By fucking lawyers? No. That is too much drama. Hey. Go watch Boston Legal if you want drama. You will not find it here. No. You will find action here. And thrills. Because this is about Aziz and not Bill Tiberious Shatner.)? Yes. That is when. But you will see that Aziz is just as fierce as you can not even imagine.

Camera quick-zooms out! Fuck. Aziz is wearing a wet-suit and emerging from the ocean onto a tropical island. Did he swim to the island? Is there a KGB submarine that he just escaped from after putting the captain in a deadly sleeper hold? I do not know. But I will check my magic Aziz 8 ball. Hold on. Okay, it says..."All signs point to of course he fucking did. Get the "f" out of town." So there you have it. And also maybe Aziz's fist would have remnants of broken shark teeth in it. And somewhere a shark would be crying. If sharks can cry. I do not know only because I am not a fucking ocean shark scientist.

So just as Aziz would reach the beach, a large explosion would go off right next to him, sending sand everywhere and temporarily blinding and deafening Aziz. But Aziz would do a deaf-blind backflip, land on his feet, and straight up go right into his tiger stance. "Fuck. It has begun," he would think, "Dynamite blew up next to me. Now I cannot hear or see. I will be forced to fight my enemy using only my sense of touch and my perfect memory of the beach before I was temporarily blinded and deafened." Yeah, like he hasn't had to do that before. He has. It is easy for him. Easy like maybe how math is easy for losers who go to renaissance fairs just so they can hit on girls in bosomy girdles and not because they respect the art of jousting.

Just then, the mutant "Dynamatic" would emerge from the island's luscious jungle. "Why Hello, Aziz," she would say, just like a huge bitch, "It looks like you have survived my dynamite blast. That is no matter for me though, because my mutant power is being able to make sticks of dynamite to throw at people. And yes, I am going to do that." Even though Aziz would not be able to hear this, the sound vibration from each word would hit Aziz's chest and Aziz would interpret the vibration and understand what Dynamatic was saying. And that's pretty killer right there, because it has never been done in a film. Aziz is about innovation.

"Maybe I can't see or hear you, Dynabitchtic," Aziz would say, "but that does not make me less dangerous. It makes me the opposite. It makes me unless dangerous. If I can't see the horror in your face or hear your pleas for mercy, then hey you are in some big-time trouble because I am so fierce." And when Aziz would say this, Dynamatic would become like paralyzed with fear. Realizing that woah, Aziz really is the real fucking deal, she would begin screaming in this constant, lower-pitched scream of the truly terrified. It would go on for like two minutes, and that is a really long time in movies. Aziz, sensing the sound vibration, would start slowly walking towards her. She'd totally freak out and run away, forgetting that she already conjured a lit stick of dynamite and that she was still carrying it.

She would die with a bang.

Aziz would finally get the sand out of his eyes and his hearing would gradually return. And as he begins walking toward the jungle, far off in the distance he would hear a voice saying this: "Dynamatic? Dynamatic?! Oh God, what did he do to you! What did he do?! I've loved you all my life and now you are gone! You are all blown up! But I will avenge you, Dynamatic. Aziz will pay with his very life. I will use my mutant power of blowing a cloud of poison gas from my mouth and I will envelop him in a swirling mist of death. Do you know how many people smallpox killed? A lot. Literally. And while my poison breath is not smallpox, it is just as deadly. However it has not killed nearly as many people. But you can get inoculated from smallbox and you can't get inoculated from my poison breath. In effect, there are pros and cons of each. Oh God, Dynamatic, why did you have to die?!"

Aziz would fearlessly walk towards the voice and, after entering a clearing, see this nerdy looking guy crying like an unman, all crouched over Dynamatic's blown up head. The nerd would look up, wipe his eyes, and say "Hello Aziz. I am Plaguetron. You killed Dynamatic and I am so mad about that. I hope you like poison gas, Aziz. Because guess who has some for you. Me. I do!!!" Then he'd like take this huge breath and his chest would expand to like 10 times its normal size. Shit, right? I mean, it would be so bad that people in the audience would be covering their eyes because tension can make people not want to face reality. And the plain reality is, is that the audience would be watching a cinematic classic where Plaguetron is about to try to kill Aziz on a tropical island by spewing out gross poison breath.

And then Aziz would shoot Plaguetron right the fuck in the head with a harpoon gun that you didn't fucking know about. Plaguetron's eyes would open wide, his jaw would drop, and he'd be like, "What gives, a-hole?" and he would die with a look of utter unbelievability on his face.

Taking a step back here, it took a lot of nerve for Plaguetron to ask that question. Of course Aziz is going to shoot him with a harpoon gun, maybe the same one that Captain Ahab used. That is what you do to somebody if they kidnap your little buddy.

Aziz would walk up to Plaguetron's body, look down on him, and say, "Sorry, Plaguey, but you shouldn't have messed with little Joey." And then he'd stop to reload his harpoon gun so he could proceed to shoot Plaguetron in the heart even though Plaguetron was already way the fuck dead. You see, it is a symbolic gesture.

"I knew this was a trap," Aziz would say to himself, "but I didn't know it was going to be a trap set by a bunch of pussies. But, those fuckers got little Joey." And then Aziz would look directly into the camera, and his face would be taking up the whole screen. "And that will get them all fucking killed." And it's like right at this instance where the audience will be saying, "Dude, his eyes! His eyes!!!" No more would even need to be said.


But back to Aziz's extreme adventure.

There he'd be, standing over Plaguetron's twice-dead body, when little Joey would suddenly emerge from out of the bushes. He'd run up to Aziz, hug him, and say, "Oh Aziz! I'm so glad you came! Now I am rescued!" Aziz would just smile and start heading back to the beach. On the way back, Aziz, would lead the way by chopping down jungle brush with his machete (Yes, he had a machete the whole fucking time. It was strapped to his leg for emergencies and also for chopping down jungle brush).

Little Joey would be skipping behind Aziz, and being like, "Tra-la-la. Aziz is safe now. He has nothing to worry about." It would be this weird song that little Joey just made up. The audience would be like, "Well, this was a visual adventure that really made me think. It looked pretty grim for Aziz a few times, but once again he persevered." Whatever. It's not even over yet. Wise up. There is still more excitement in store for all the boob models that would be packing the theaters for a four hour glimpse of Aziz.

Because just then we'd see little Joey slowly take out an AK-47 Assault Rifle from behind his back and point it at Aziz. That is right. Little Joey is planning on shooting Aziz while he's not looking! Or is he really little Joey? No.

Aziz, hacking away at the jungle brush, would realize that he had been smelling something strange yet familiar. The audience would see Aziz sniff a few times, and then they'd see his eyes show he was thinking. "That smell," he would think in his head, "I know it from when I went undercover as an actor so I could bust up the Shakespeare drug and terrorist murder ring. Yes. Yes… It is theatrical make-up! But that means…" And with that thought, he would instantly spin around and stab little "Joey" in the intestine.

But it wasn't little Joey at all. It was Disguiso, a "man" mutantly good at makeup disguises. He would clutch his stabbed intestine and ask, "How did you know, Aziz? How did you know I wasn't Joey? And P.S. Aziz, I am in a lot of pain here. Being stabbed in the stomach is not a cool way to die."

Aziz, looking at him like a man would look at the shit of a pig, would just say, "I admit you had me fooled at first, fuckwad, but it was your makeup. The real little Joey doesn't wear any, but you did. I could smell it. You must be mutantly good at makeup disguises." Diguiso's eyes would water with pain and he'd say, "I am. That is my thing," and then Disguiso's eyes would go dead, making them just like the rest of Disguiso.

By this time, Aziz would be pretty sick and tired of the mutants. I mean come on, how many is he going to have to kill before he finds Little Joey? "Infinite," hopes the movie audience, who will never want this film end. But come on it has to. Let's be realistic about this.

Pulling his machete out of Diguiso, Aziz would look up and in the distance he would see a dark, vibrating cloud rushing towards him. Little Joey would be carried within the cloud, terrified out of his mind but still being very brave about it because he is a tough little guy and he knows that Aziz would be brave. And he'd fucking be right. Additionally, little Joey would look exactly like Short Round from the movie Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

As the cloud would get closer, Aziz would realize that it wasn't a cloud at all, but rather an enormous swarm of bees.

And in this movie, Aziz is allergic to bees.

The bees would set little Joey down, and then they'd start to form the shape of a man. Can you imagine how scary a bee-man would be to Aziz? I mean, they're not scary to me, but I'm not the one allergic to bees. Aziz is. Dead allergic. However, Aziz would not be scared. Aziz would watch this all as if it was all super boring to him. Inside though, he'd be happy to see little Joey and glad that the muto-freaks hadn't killed him. Yes, Aziz has feelings. He is just good at controlling them, unlike some past ex-girlfriends I have had who were, btw, hot.

The bee-man would talk: "Our name is Beezee," Beezee would say, "and we are going to sting you to oblivion. OBLIVION!! And that means dead. We're going to sting you dead. Plus did you know that this whole thing was a trap?"

"Yes, asshole. I did know that." Aziz would reply. "But I came for three reasons. 1: Little Joey is a personal friend of mine. I took him to Disneyland before the world turned so bitter, so cold. So like the ashen darkness one finds when wandering the ruined halls of a burned down building. Reason 2: The president of the United States of America gave Little Joey a tattoo on his back that contains launch codes for like every nuclear weapon in existence. That makes little Joey a living weapon. You see, the president got the idea from the movie Waterworld, where that girl has a map to dry land and Dennis Hopper is trying to catch her, but no dice because he's up against a fish-man. Reason 3: I came to kick some mutant ass. And I ain't done kickin' yet. So you're next, Bee-Fuck. But, to make this fair, I will tell you this: Right now I am allergic to bees. It will only take one sting to kill me. Think you can manage one sting, bee brain?"

And Beezee would be like: "Let's do this" or something.

As Beezee slowly began moving towards Aziz, Aziz, would playfully chuckle to himself and say, "You know what I hate? I hate when people underestimate me." Then, fuckin' quick as Aziz, Aziz would summersault away from the approaching bees, and when he'd stand up he'd have a lit match in his hands. "But bees..." he'd continue, "bees hate smoke. And where there's fire, there's smoke. Blamo, Mother fucker!"

Sure enough, the bees would hold back as soon as they saw the lit match. In a buzzy voice, Beezee would say, "That match won't last forever. And you can't burn this whole Tropical Island down. When that match dies, so will you."

"That is depressing news," Aziz would say. "So depressing that I think I need a drink." He'd pull out his hip flask, a flask filled with the whiskey Aziz drinks to drown out memories of Bunny - the stripper, the love of his life, the girl he couldn't save. He'd take a deep swig from the flask, just as all the bees started to swarm in.

Also, maybe Bunny was pregnant when she died. So it was an extra tragedy.

By now, if you have read any of the other Aziz documentaries, you are probably like, "Well, Aziz isn't going to die here. He will figure out a way to live and then he will continue kicking ass hardcore for years to come."

Well sorry to ruin your world and blow your mind, but he doesn't. As a matter of fact, Aziz gets stung to death by Beezee. Beezee wins. Hey. Fuck. Because you know, sometimes bad things happen to fucking badass people. This is an unthinkable situation where the unthinkable happens. Two unthinkables equals two the danger. This situation would kill Aziz Ansari. I'm sorry, but this is the world we live in. And these are the hands we're given. - Genesis

Now any ass plungers who believed that last paragraph should go home to their mommy and apologize for being such a huge disappointing fuck. How many times must I trick your mind?! Aziz is not going to die. Does steel die? Does eternity die? Fuck no they do not. Steel is strong and eternity is forever. Because what Aziz does, if you do not already know, is he spits the whiskey into the match so that he's become this like human flamethrower. It is awesome though. Aziz's whole face lights up with the fire glow and we can see it reflected in his eyes. The bees catch on fire. The trees catch on fire. The whole fucking island catches on fire. And then a white dove flies by.

Picture, in your brain's window of imagination, the sound of a bee mutant screaming and crying. Because it was like this: "Nooo! We were so strong! We were so powerful! Bzzzzz! But Aziz is even more strong! He is even more powerful! He has these huge muscles that to be honest, really intimidated us even before we saw the fire! Now Loretta will have to raise our child all by herself. That saddens me. Fuck, I really can't believe we're on fire." And those would be the last words Beezee ever screamed because he would be dead.

When the screaming stops, the only sound would be crackling wood because don't you forget for even one second that there is a burning tropical island right here. Aziz didn't forget. He'd run over to little Joey, scoop him up, and run towards the beach without even bothering to machete the fiery jungle vines. Man, he would tear out of that jungle so fast... And maybe on the way to the beach a burning tree would topple over just behind him. Aziz would stop for a second and be like, "I gotta say, that was close. That was close. Sure would suck to die from a burning tree after I just went through all this other stuff featured above." But no pussy burn-tree is going to kill Aziz. You know that now. You do. And that is why I teach: So you will fucking learn already.

Aziz would get to safety of the beach, where the flammable trees dare not grow. He stop there, silently and he'd watch the island burn down with his friend little Joey. The camera would be pointed at their backs at a low angle, so we can see the ocean behind them. The rising smoke the island would be emitting would make for a dusky but beautiful sunset. After a minute or so, Aziz would be all, "So, Joey…you know how to swim?" And little Joey would just look up at his idol Aziz and say, "I can learn, Aziz. I can learn." Roll credits to the song "Fix Up, Look Sharp" by Dizzee Rascal. Nobody would leave through the credits though, because what an amazing piece of cinematic history they just witnessed. And when the credits finally finish, Aziz would pop up on the screen and say, "Thanks for staying. But it's time to leave, mother fuckers. So get out. Get the hell out." It'd be kind of like on MTV's "Cribs," when the celebrity tells the camera people to get the fuck out of their house when they're done.